AIBU for not wanting others to turn up to my home unannounced?

[Peaches07]

I am considering cutting ties with my father for not respecting my boundaries. I would also like to preface this with the fact that we do not have a close relationship and only see each other a handful of times a year.

Im 38F and having issues with my father turning up to my home unannounced. This has happened several times over the past few years despite asking him to let us know beforehand if he would like to visit.

We have 3 young children (6,3&1) and both my partner and I work full time which means he does not see his grandchildren as often as he would like.

On one occasion he turned up with another family member that I had not seen or spoken to for many years and this was just a few weeks after I had given birth to my youngest.

I confronted him about this and asked why he hadn’t let us know beforehand that he was planning to visit and his response was that he didn’t ask because he knew I would say no to them coming.

I felt very disrespected and told him this and it resulted in him not speaking to me for almost a year (this is very typical in how he deals with disagreements with others).

When he eventually reached out to me there was no attempt to speak about the issue, instead he acted like nothing had happened. I decided to let it go for the sake of my children and their relationship with him.

However, since then he has turned up unannounced again and when confronted he said he was “in the area” despite living almost an hour away.

I am at a loss as to how to deal with this situation. It is a conscious decision that he is making as he is fully aware that we would like to be made aware of his plans to visit beforehand. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and do you have any advice on how to deal with this?

AIBU for not wanting others to turn up to my home unannounced?

I cant imagine not allowing my father to turn up at my house unannounced

TBH, I too thought you'd shared your bra size, and I was going to say that I hate people turning up, having to put a bra on etc, but realised it wasn't that at all 😳

Back to the topic! I had this with MIL. We moved and renovated a house 30mins away from MIL. She would visit unannounced, but not only herself, she'd come with randoms. Often people we'd never met, or someone she met once at the golf club, bring them to our home and then tell us to give them a tour!! DH and I both WFH full time, so I might be on a call and even if not, its incredibly rude.

DH spoke to her about it being inappropriate and to check firstly. We installed cameras and could see anyone turning up. DH started blocking her if she brought along randoms and it soon stopped.

Its harder in practice I know, but don't answer the door, open the door and say its not a good time- you should have called and close door. OR, invite on your own terms- would you like to visit on X day at X time.

Every time this is asked on MN, there is a split.

Some people hate people 'popping in' others appreciate having family and friends pop in.

Usually whichever you 'are' can't understand why anyone would have the opposite view.

There's obviously a back story here - what is it?

Is Reddit invading Mumsnet - I was trying to figure out what 38f has to do with anything.

Why was I deleted when I'm clearly not the only one confused? I gave good advice too!

I read your post and thought the exact same thing regarding the bra sizing? Why on earth were you deleted when your post had no profanities or anything I could see that needed deleting ??? 🤔

No clue!

“We installed cameras and could see anyone turning up. DH started blocking her if she brought along randoms and it soon stopped.”

Wow. Why not go the whole hog and install gun turrets? 🙄

I'm not an enormous fan of unexpected guests, but unless I'm WFH, they're welcome - particularly my parents. I just worry the house is a bit chaotic!

Your own father is not "others" turning up announced. Your reaction is really odd. He has done it several times over a few years not several times a week! I'm getting the impression that control is a big thing for you.

@Screamingabdabz We were installing cameras anyways on the house! We have a massive back story with MIL- not JUST the turning up with randoms at any hour telling us to give tours for them! That was a minor issue compared to others.

I’m a bit smaller than 38F, but always wear a bra, although I’m not a fan of unexpected guests

PS - I hope you’ve been properly measured, OP?

No .you are vvvvv unreasonable..how the bloody hell cann your kids have a relationship with their GF when you have such a batshit attitude ?

I would give every thing I have for ine to have a relationship with their GP but they are dead

So your dad is making an effort to see you and your children, he’s travelling and you’re getting annoyed because you have to host him? You sound quite ungrateful. When my kids were little if “someone” popped in unannounced I’d be worried I wasn’t dressed properly or my home was a mess; with my parents I couldn’t care less what me or my home looked like so I was just grateful. What’s the actual issue? What do you have to do when he’s there?

Then get a better imagination. OP is clearly uncomfortable with this and has told him so several times.

What’s “ungrateful” about expecting someone to respect your wishes? OP has been completely clear on this, but her father ignores her. He even admitted that he deliberately brought someone over without telling her because he knew she’d say no! Can you not see how toxic that is?

Also, the people going on about bra sizes are pathetic.

I think your problem is not tackling this head on. You need to set the boundary and maintain it. He needs to be turned away if he shows up on your doorstep

@Sconeswithnutella isn’t it obvious op doesn’t have a normal relationship with her dad like you do, it’s clearly strained

I just cannot imagine being angry at my parents for turning up to my home uninvited. Or anyone else for that matter.

What sort of a world are we turning into 😧

Yep. Renders these types of threads absolutely pointless. Everyone will share why they are one of the other type and argue amongst themselves about it.

Absolutely hate this it's rude in my opinion unless someone doesn't have a phone

It's not difficult for anyone to contact the person they are intending to visit in advance. Life and kids mean you won't always be presentable and ready to receive guests.
All the PPs saying "making an effort", how hard is it to call before the effort they're making?!
Or is it just up to people like OP to endure feeling embarrassed and put on the spot at any time? We can't all be guest ready when someone unexpected knocks. Bloody ridiculous and it's certainly about boundaries.
My next door neighbour hammers like the police on my door, front room window, flaps the letterbox repeatedly, then tries to turn the door handle (my door is always locked, otherwise she'd walk right in). She's old and lives alone but it doesn't give her the right to frighten me and my DD if she just feels like watering the patio outside my front door (seriously).