AIBU for not wanting others to turn up to my home unannounced?

[Peaches07]

I am considering cutting ties with my father for not respecting my boundaries. I would also like to preface this with the fact that we do not have a close relationship and only see each other a handful of times a year.

Im 38F and having issues with my father turning up to my home unannounced. This has happened several times over the past few years despite asking him to let us know beforehand if he would like to visit.

We have 3 young children (6,3&1) and both my partner and I work full time which means he does not see his grandchildren as often as he would like.

On one occasion he turned up with another family member that I had not seen or spoken to for many years and this was just a few weeks after I had given birth to my youngest.

I confronted him about this and asked why he hadn’t let us know beforehand that he was planning to visit and his response was that he didn’t ask because he knew I would say no to them coming.

I felt very disrespected and told him this and it resulted in him not speaking to me for almost a year (this is very typical in how he deals with disagreements with others).

When he eventually reached out to me there was no attempt to speak about the issue, instead he acted like nothing had happened. I decided to let it go for the sake of my children and their relationship with him.

However, since then he has turned up unannounced again and when confronted he said he was “in the area” despite living almost an hour away.

I am at a loss as to how to deal with this situation. It is a conscious decision that he is making as he is fully aware that we would like to be made aware of his plans to visit beforehand. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and do you have any advice on how to deal with this?

AIBU for not wanting others to turn up to my home unannounced?

Tell him if he does it again, you won’t open the door. Follow through.

Dont cut him off over it, but just keep to your boundaries.

He should get the message.

I personally think that yabvu, he's your dad not a random person. He's making an effort and you're throwing it back in his face. Although in ireland, everyone walks into each other's houses unannounced 😂

I think what we see on this thread is people who have decent relationships with their parents and those that do not.

I understand OP and it's not about them turning up unannounced. It is about the disregard for the needs that you have expressed and the boundaries that you set.

You are not unreasonable for expressing that having him turning up unannounced is an issue.

A healthy relationship would involve the other party at the very least seeking to understand why and trying to find a way forward, the fact that he is not says all that you need to know and I imagine that you grew up with this being the norm with other needs too.

Put you reasons in a text then at least if he plays the victim to anyone you can you that you have very clearly explained the issue.

I saw the comments about a relationship with his grandchildren. The ridiculous thing is that if he respected your boundaries, he would probably see them more....

Sounds like you don't want him to have a relationship and I think if thats true there has got to be a valid reason. If you dont want him there you dont have to tolerate toxic relatives - just tell/text him - we agreed you would phone ahead, respect our boundaries and dont visit again please. I went slowly down this drip fed route to complete ban on all contact with my parents. I wish I had been stronger from the start and done it sooner. (My F is abusive, unpredictable, violent and extremely toxic I did it to protect my children and our mental health)

This. But mumsnet us weird like this. I have friends call unannounced, it's the norm .

You’re gonna cut out your dad because he dares try to see you……

and he’s only an hour away…. So it’s not like you’re stuck hosting him for a month. It’s a visit!

It is your house you can feel however you want in it. Or about it etc.

question do you invite dad over to your house??

Yes, but a healthy relationship involves give and take on both sides and an effort to meet up and enable that relationship, something Op either doesn't understand or something Op doesn't want.

If its the latter then I suggest she tell her father she doesn't want a relationship with him and stop being obtuse. If it's the former then blocking him from contact whether arranged in advance or not is an inappropriate response.

And I appreciate the first paragraph above, but to get a relationship to where you want it to be is not always possible. Sometimes you have to settle for something less than ideal in order to accommodate it.

Do you always say no when he asks? Do you arrange the next visit? Do you go to see him? Obviously it depends on if you want a relationship with him. Think of a way to manage it with you both getting what you want.

I am a little confused by your post, please would you clarify...

"A healthy relationship involves give and take on both sides."

"Sometimes you have to settle in order to accommodate the relationship"

As there is no apparent give and take from Dad and therefore no healthy relationship, are you suggesting that she should just put up with her boundaries repeatedly being ignored despite the apparent stress caused?

He’s not ”making the effort” at all. Making an effort would involve trying to understand that the OP simply isn’t comfortable with him dropping in as and when - whether he thinks that’s right or not. Making a REAL effort does not mean simply overriding someone else’s wishes because you want to see your grandchildren and have decided you have that right. It means accepting that things may not be the way you want them and trying to find a way to deal with things as they actually are, not how you think they should be.

Explain to me how it’s “making an effort” to not only turn up unannounced when specifically asked not to, but to also bring another uninvited relative. Oh, and to sulk for a year when you don’t get what you want.

This is so basic an analysis as to be offensive. I am not ND, but I don’t want people turning up at my house as and when either. Some people just have different boundaries.

I would also like to preface this with the fact that we do not have a close relationship and only see each other a handful of times a year.

If it only happens a handful of times in a year then is it really a problem?

My parents were the opposite, they would only come if I invited them, so they never came as I don't do formal invites, I'm happy for people to just turn up.

God, this is such a shitty response.

Sorry that your parents have passed away-but that has absolutely NOTHING to do with this post.

There's always one in every thread like this as well-like all the emotionally manipulative people get drawn in and have to give their BS opinion.

OP has stated she's not got a close relationship with her DF. It doesn't take much to give someone a call and check if it's suitable to pop in before doing so, does it?

Some people on here act like giving someone common courtesy is the height of blasphemy. Not everyone likes unannounced visitors. I don't. No matter who it is-I like to know if and when people are coming so I can be prepared or I'm not in the middle of something. Or, you know, OUT.

It doesn't take much to call or message beforehand does it? So why do some act like they're allergic to using technology to check if it's ok to visit people at that time? It's not hard.

It's one thing if you know the person doesn't mind-i.e., they also drop by unannounced- but if someone has mentioned that they do mind-it's wise to abide by their boundaries. Again-a simple message could resolve the issue in minutes.

My parents would be fine, but I’d prefer notice. What if you are in the shower or going out/have plans.

He's your DAD. I feel really sorry for him. He obviously really wants to spend time with you and his grandchildren and you are acting like he is some kind of cold caller. I would do anything for my parents to still be around to pop in for a cuppa unannounced.

leftkneeonbackwards · 21/05/2024 21:32
I cant imagine not allowing my father to turn up at my house unannounced”

I can’t imagine being so thoughtless as to turn up at our daughter’s home without checking first that it’s convenient.

Are you not aware that some people have awful parents?

I think it's extremely rude to just turn up at someone's door. It might have been OK in the past but times have changed. Both parents usually work, have busy lives and have very little time to manage life. He knows you need some notice as well, what a strange power play he's doing. What's so difficult about sending a text saying you'd like to stop by later?

I probably wouldn't answer the door if I wasn't expecting a visitor or delivery. It's likely my house would be a mess, I'd be busy cleaning, having a pyjama day, looking a state with no bra on or doing something. What if you were out? Then the unannounced visitor would have wasted their own time.

YANBU OP. It's up to you if you want to cut contact but personally I just wouldn't answer the door and let him waste his own time. If he complains just say you weren't expecting any visitors. Maybe he'll get the message eventually.

Absolutely. And some patents have awful children . . .

It may be the norm for you and your friends/family, but that doesn't make it a universal norm.

I hate people turning up unannounced. My DM hated it too, and I have several friends who feel exactly the same. I also have one friend who absolutely doesn't get it, even though I have explained several times that I prefer a phone call beforehand. She walks her dog on a route that passes the end of my road, and frequently "pops round" on her way back.

I've taken to answering the door with my work phone to my ear, so I can pretend I'm on a work call when she knocks!

Why does having boundaries make people “awful”?

Jesus fucking wept! How lacking in self awareness are some pp's. Some people had toxic aspects to parent relationships or have decided to cease people pleasing and placating. Boundaries are essential for protecting mental health, no matter who it is. Nobody except the person knows why they need that boundary and that is OK and allowed.

These kinds of threads always go the same way. There's always a contingent of posters who are adamant that they don't see a problem with unannounced/ unexpected visitors and therefore-anyone who does see a problem with it-is weird, anti-social, wrong.

In the end, it's fine if you don't see a problem with it and are happy to receive unannounced visitors. What's not fine is to ignore boundaries that have been set by others regarding this-and turn up unannounced when they've asked that you call/message beforehand to check it's convenient.

I'd never turn up to anyone's house unannounced and I would expect the same courtesy to be extended back to me. Just because you don't mind unannounced visitors doesn't mean everyone else feels the same way. I always wonder if some of the PP's who are adamant that there's nothing wrong with turning up at people's houses unexpectedly frequently drop in on people unannounced and are realising that those people they drop in on may actually not like it and feel challenged by these threads 😂

I’m not sure why your comment was directed at me. I am very self aware, though I’m not sure what that has to do with this. I never said that she can’t have boundaries of that she is not allowed to do anything, I asked what the actual issue was. On the face of it, it seems ungrateful so I asked the questions about what the actual problem was.