AIBU for not wanting others to turn up to my home unannounced?

[Peaches07]

I am considering cutting ties with my father for not respecting my boundaries. I would also like to preface this with the fact that we do not have a close relationship and only see each other a handful of times a year.

Im 38F and having issues with my father turning up to my home unannounced. This has happened several times over the past few years despite asking him to let us know beforehand if he would like to visit.

We have 3 young children (6,3&1) and both my partner and I work full time which means he does not see his grandchildren as often as he would like.

On one occasion he turned up with another family member that I had not seen or spoken to for many years and this was just a few weeks after I had given birth to my youngest.

I confronted him about this and asked why he hadn’t let us know beforehand that he was planning to visit and his response was that he didn’t ask because he knew I would say no to them coming.

I felt very disrespected and told him this and it resulted in him not speaking to me for almost a year (this is very typical in how he deals with disagreements with others).

When he eventually reached out to me there was no attempt to speak about the issue, instead he acted like nothing had happened. I decided to let it go for the sake of my children and their relationship with him.

However, since then he has turned up unannounced again and when confronted he said he was “in the area” despite living almost an hour away.

I am at a loss as to how to deal with this situation. It is a conscious decision that he is making as he is fully aware that we would like to be made aware of his plans to visit beforehand. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and do you have any advice on how to deal with this?

AIBU for not wanting others to turn up to my home unannounced?

In our family, no one just turns up. It’s just how we like it.

You are NOT being unreasonable to expect some notice of visitors. Especially when you're both working full time and have 3 young children. How dare people assume they can just drop in and be welcomed. What do they expect, constant company? Feeding? A bed for the night? Total disruption of your busy family routine. If your father doesn't visit/contact you often but you don't mind him having contact with his Grandkids, ask him or invite him for a weekend stay and tell him that he IS welcome but you'd prefer it when you're not so busy.

As you only see him a handful of times a year this would indicate this is on your terms and he is turning up as he feels he doesn't see you and his grandchildren enough. Can't you visit or invite him over more often then the visits would be on your terms.unless there is a back story I think you are being unkind.

I agree, my in laws did this ALL THE FUCKING TIME and if pulled up on it would say shit like " we don't have to ask to come over, we're family " . It only stopped once my fil got cancer and died within a few years

It's not the turning up in itself that's the main issue, it's his insistence to do whatever he wants regardless of your feelings. He doesn't have to understand or agree with your boundaries, however if he wants a mature relationship with his daughter he could and should try to respect them.

Also, not talking to you for a whole year and then acting like nothing's happened is not healthy behaviour. I wouldn't welcome someone who acted like that with open arms into my home either.

He doesn't sound very emotionally mature. I don't think cutting him off is the way forward as he'll likely not understand what he's done wrong and continue to turn up anyway. Pushy people will only really 'get' boundaries if you give a consequence for not respecting them. So you could say, "I really need you to let me know beforehand that you're coming in future. If you don't I'm afraid I won't answer the door." Then follow through on that when he inevitably ignores it. When he complains you can then respond by agreeing a date and time for him to come over that's normally convenient for you both, rather than it all being on his terms.

A man who is old enough to have grandchildren should surely be mature enough to be able to say to his daughter, “I really do want to see more of the grandchildren. Is there any way we can work it out so that I can come more often, when it suits you?” But he isn’t even trying that. Instead he’s actively ignoring the OP’s wishes in an attempt to force it.

Things called telephones can be used, no need to be unannounced.

You don’t sound like you like your father very much OP. Does he turn up uninvited because you turn him down or stall when he attempts to arrange visits?

Why would that be any excuse?

@BrightonFrock Because I believe there is a difference between a person just being deliberately awkward and refusing to check in advance out of stubbornness, and a man who just desperately wants to see his daughter and grandchildren but knows if he asks in advance he will be told no.

But why does his desperation override the OP’s wishes?

Mil and sil did this for years "oh we just turn up in our family"
Not in mine you don't.
Gradually put a stop to it locking back gate so they couldn't knock then barge in at 8.30 every funking Saturday morning.They had to ring to let us know they were coming then and it gradually phased out coz they didn't want to have to do that.

fucking

I’m astounded at the lengths people will go to tbh. I’m surprised half the parents/PIL haven’t decided to go NC.

Parents OK, anyone else no way. Although friends from years ago did turn up unannounced, 'just passing' and knocked on the off chance and I was actually very pleased to see them, but the house was a tip at the time and I was gardening, muddy boots and jeans and hair blown everywhere. They were 'dressed' on their way to a wedding! A little notice would have been nice.

Totally agree with you about this. I hate unexpected guests it’s really rude whoever it is. I have never gone to someone’s house without being invited. What if you were busy with other guests, doing the deed with your husband, half naked etc etc. It’s just wrong!!

I was brought up to think that unexpected appearances are bad manners, you should always phone/text first

So “You’ll see us when WE feel like turning up or not at all!”?

Yeah, that’s healthy.

I never once said that. Don’t try and twist words on a screen. Your comment could work both ways btw.

You said you’re surprised these parents don’t “Go NC”. What else could you have meant?

And no, my comment could NOT work both ways. I was very clearly talking about people turning up uninvited, not one party taking control of the arrangements.

Just don’t let him in. Tell him a visit right now doesn’t work for you and you’ll let him know when it does. Keep doing this and hopefully he’ll tire of being turned away.

The reply father gave the first time - I didn't phone in advance because I knew you'd say no.

I think that sometime you either deliberately or inadvertently stopped him visiting. He thinks that he will never get to see you and his grandchildren unless he turns up unexpectedly. The only way to solve this is to keep inviting father to visit. Make it clear that he is very welcome, and that when you have refused him, it's because it's inconvenient not because you don't want to see him.

I live in a house that literally no one ever visits. It’s very lonely. I have children. One doesn’t bring friends back as she is autistic and school friends and for school. The other has started bringing friends over. My dad recently passed away but had been in my house a handful of times as he would have to get the bus out of his way to visit. So instead I wouldn’t him weekly but at a cafe as his house wasn’t visitor friendly due to his poor mental health. My mum loves not too far and I will pop in on her whenever I want. I have a key. She’s always pleased to see and the kids. She never pops to me as she’s disabled and my house is hard for her to access. When we see relatives it’s always at pre organised events. Occasionally one cousin will pop by to see my kids but as that’s got older it’s got less. My sibling loved abroad so have never had that popping in and out thing with them either.

I find it sad when people don’t like their immediate family popping by.

YANBU.
He disrespects your wishes and then goes no contact for a year to disrespect them again.

It‘s fine if others are okay with popping over uninvited. Your preferences were communicated and ignored, that’s the issue here. Not wether or not turning up uninvited is okay.

Not sure if where you live is suitable for getting gates installed but if it is, I’d be looking at getting some installed, preferably with an electric operated opener and remote bell. That way he can get as far as the gates but you don’t have to let him any further than that.

If you can’t install gates, get a video doorbell.