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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting others to turn up to my home unannounced?

125 replies

Peaches07 · 21/05/2024 21:28

I am considering cutting ties with my father for not respecting my boundaries. I would also like to preface this with the fact that we do not have a close relationship and only see each other a handful of times a year.

Im 38F and having issues with my father turning up to my home unannounced. This has happened several times over the past few years despite asking him to let us know beforehand if he would like to visit.

We have 3 young children (6,3&1) and both my partner and I work full time which means he does not see his grandchildren as often as he would like.

On one occasion he turned up with another family member that I had not seen or spoken to for many years and this was just a few weeks after I had given birth to my youngest.

I confronted him about this and asked why he hadn’t let us know beforehand that he was planning to visit and his response was that he didn’t ask because he knew I would say no to them coming.

I felt very disrespected and told him this and it resulted in him not speaking to me for almost a year (this is very typical in how he deals with disagreements with others).

When he eventually reached out to me there was no attempt to speak about the issue, instead he acted like nothing had happened. I decided to let it go for the sake of my children and their relationship with him.

However, since then he has turned up unannounced again and when confronted he said he was “in the area” despite living almost an hour away.

I am at a loss as to how to deal with this situation. It is a conscious decision that he is making as he is fully aware that we would like to be made aware of his plans to visit beforehand. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and do you have any advice on how to deal with this?

AIBU for not wanting others to turn up to my home unannounced?

OP posts:
harmfulsweeties · 27/05/2024 16:44

Sconeswithnutella · 27/05/2024 15:34

I’m not sure why your comment was directed at me. I am very self aware, though I’m not sure what that has to do with this. I never said that she can’t have boundaries of that she is not allowed to do anything, I asked what the actual issue was. On the face of it, it seems ungrateful so I asked the questions about what the actual problem was.

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You have said she isn't allowed boundaries because the boundaries she wants are to your skewed thinking "ungrateful."

Sconeswithnutella · 27/05/2024 17:08

harmfulsweeties · 27/05/2024 16:44

You have said she isn't allowed boundaries because the boundaries she wants are to your skewed thinking "ungrateful."

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That is some terrible comprehension skills you have!

wendycupcakes · 27/05/2024 17:12

Im going to go against a few on here.
I would love to have family and friends to pop over when ever they feel like it no need to call to make an appointment just random pop ins if im in they would be welcome.
Sadly i dont have that in my life and i only wish i did.
Just to have some knock and they have come to see me not the mail man with a parcel to be signed for.
I envy some on here with familys and friends that want to be in their lifes.
Yet the person they like dont want it or have to make arrangements before hand some of you posters dont know how bloody lucky you all are.

MotherFeministWoman · 27/05/2024 17:25

wendycupcakes · 27/05/2024 17:12

Im going to go against a few on here.
I would love to have family and friends to pop over when ever they feel like it no need to call to make an appointment just random pop ins if im in they would be welcome.
Sadly i dont have that in my life and i only wish i did.
Just to have some knock and they have come to see me not the mail man with a parcel to be signed for.
I envy some on here with familys and friends that want to be in their lifes.
Yet the person they like dont want it or have to make arrangements before hand some of you posters dont know how bloody lucky you all are.

There I lots of people I love having turning up at my door unexpected. That doesn't mean everyone and if I've told certain people not to do it I'd expect them to respect that.

wendycupcakes · 27/05/2024 17:34

MotherFeministWoman · 27/05/2024 17:25

There I lots of people I love having turning up at my door unexpected. That doesn't mean everyone and if I've told certain people not to do it I'd expect them to respect that.

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okay.

StMarieforme · 27/05/2024 17:38

I have a close relationship with my adults kids and would never turn up unannounced. He is definitely in the wrong.

weareallcats · 27/05/2024 17:42

It’s clearly down to personal preference - as this thread illustrates. If someone has made it clear that they don’t appreciate impromptu visits then you shouldn’t keep on doing it.

BrightonFrock · 27/05/2024 19:34

On the face of it, it seems ungrateful so I asked the questions about what the actual problem was.

But what are you expecting OP to be grateful for? Surely gratitude is a response to someone being nice or generous or helpful. Why would OP, or anyone, be grateful to someone for doing the exact opposite of what they asked?

BrightonFrock · 27/05/2024 19:39

wendycupcakes · 27/05/2024 17:12

Im going to go against a few on here.
I would love to have family and friends to pop over when ever they feel like it no need to call to make an appointment just random pop ins if im in they would be welcome.
Sadly i dont have that in my life and i only wish i did.
Just to have some knock and they have come to see me not the mail man with a parcel to be signed for.
I envy some on here with familys and friends that want to be in their lifes.
Yet the person they like dont want it or have to make arrangements before hand some of you posters dont know how bloody lucky you all are.

Bloody hell, what is it with some people on this site?!

I’m sorry you haven’t got the life you want, with people popping in and out. I get that some people want that and I’m sorry you haven’t got it. But for the love of Christ, how can you not see that people who don’t want this having it forced on them are not “bloody lucky”, but naturally pissed off that others refuse to respect their boundaries? Why do you think that is “lucky”, just because it’s what YOU want?!

wendycupcakes · 27/05/2024 19:55

BrightonFrock · 27/05/2024 19:39

Bloody hell, what is it with some people on this site?!

I’m sorry you haven’t got the life you want, with people popping in and out. I get that some people want that and I’m sorry you haven’t got it. But for the love of Christ, how can you not see that people who don’t want this having it forced on them are not “bloody lucky”, but naturally pissed off that others refuse to respect their boundaries? Why do you think that is “lucky”, just because it’s what YOU want?!

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Okay.

BrightonFrock · 27/05/2024 20:07

🙄🙄🙄

SushiAndRamen · 27/05/2024 22:06

StarbucksQueen1 · 23/05/2024 11:20

Totally agree with you about this. I hate unexpected guests it’s really rude whoever it is. I have never gone to someone’s house without being invited. What if you were busy with other guests, doing the deed with your husband, half naked etc etc. It’s just wrong!!

Just don't answer the door?

johnd2 · 28/05/2024 00:54

BrightonFrock · 27/05/2024 08:59

This is so basic an analysis as to be offensive. I am not ND, but I don’t want people turning up at my house as and when either. Some people just have different boundaries.

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Sorry, written on the hoof on a mobile, point taken, no offence intended

Mamai100 · 28/05/2024 02:48

Katemax82 · 22/05/2024 17:56

I agree, my in laws did this ALL THE FUCKING TIME and if pulled up on it would say shit like " we don't have to ask to come over, we're family " . It only stopped once my fil got cancer and died within a few years

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Cold.

Powderblue1 · 28/05/2024 06:28

I am no contact with my father although I've tried everything I can to mend the relationship, it was his (his wife's choice). I can't imagine going through all of that pain beside he showed up unannounced.

If it's only the odd time a year I would get over it.

Jem57 · 28/05/2024 08:53

We can’t just turn up at my sons,his partner dislikes us and likes to disappear upstairs with the excuse of washing her hair before we arrive for our allotted slot,and to think we have given them££££s over the years,no words really,sad.

MotherFeministWoman · 28/05/2024 10:58

Jem57 · 28/05/2024 08:53

We can’t just turn up at my sons,his partner dislikes us and likes to disappear upstairs with the excuse of washing her hair before we arrive for our allotted slot,and to think we have given them££££s over the years,no words really,sad.

Yes, because all you have to do to have a good relationship with someone is throw money at them...

BrightonFrock · 28/05/2024 11:35

MotherFeministWoman · 28/05/2024 10:58

Yes, because all you have to do to have a good relationship with someone is throw money at them...

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Passive aggressive comments about “our allotted slot” probably help too…

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/05/2024 11:49

Jem57 · Today 08:53
**
We can’t just turn up at my sons,his partner dislikes us and likes to disappear upstairs with the excuse of washing her hair before we arrive for our allotted slot,and to think we have given them££££s over the years,no words really,sad”

Petulance is unattractive ….. at any age.

Wouldn’t dream of turning up unannounced at anyone’s home. Height of bad manners.

Foxblue · 28/05/2024 11:53

Not sure why anyone commenting on this thread is sharing what's normal in their family, OP clearly doesn't work the same way you do, so it's totally irrelevant.
It literally doesn't matter what you do in your family, that's not the way OP wants to do it.
Such a weird attitude that's very ignorant of different cultures, traditions, attitudes, lifestyles, disabilities... so many things!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/05/2024 11:59

NewName24 · 21/05/2024 21:55

Every time this is asked on MN, there is a split.

Some people hate people 'popping in' others appreciate having family and friends pop in.

Usually whichever you 'are' can't understand why anyone would have the opposite view.

I am definitely in the 'happy to have people pop in' camp, but I do understand why other people don't feel the same - surely all it takes is a bit of empathy and the realisation that everyone isn't the same?

I wouldn't dream of just popping in to someone if I didn't know they were happy to have people just turn up - if I wasn't sure, I'd phone first. @Peaches07's father is being very unreasonable - and worse, he is sulking when she sets a perfectly reasonable boundary and asks him to respect it. I can't imagine treating my adult children or my DIL that way.

margarit · 28/05/2024 21:14

I wish my father was still alive and would be over the moon if he popped in unannounced

fishingoutofthewater · 28/05/2024 21:29

margarit · 28/05/2024 21:14

I wish my father was still alive and would be over the moon if he popped in unannounced

It is lovely that you had that relationship and I am sorry for your loss. However, I think that it is clear that the OP has not had the same experience.

Thevelvelletes · 28/05/2024 21:47

Screamingabdabz · 21/05/2024 22:38

“We installed cameras and could see anyone turning up. DH started blocking her if she brought along randoms and it soon stopped.”

Wow. Why not go the whole hog and install gun turrets? 🙄

Get a Ed 209
Robo cop style.

BrightonFrock · 28/05/2024 23:03

fishingoutofthewater · 28/05/2024 21:29

It is lovely that you had that relationship and I am sorry for your loss. However, I think that it is clear that the OP has not had the same experience.

Edited
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This 100%.

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