AIBU for not wanting others to turn up to my home unannounced?

[Peaches07]

I am considering cutting ties with my father for not respecting my boundaries. I would also like to preface this with the fact that we do not have a close relationship and only see each other a handful of times a year.

Im 38F and having issues with my father turning up to my home unannounced. This has happened several times over the past few years despite asking him to let us know beforehand if he would like to visit.

We have 3 young children (6,3&1) and both my partner and I work full time which means he does not see his grandchildren as often as he would like.

On one occasion he turned up with another family member that I had not seen or spoken to for many years and this was just a few weeks after I had given birth to my youngest.

I confronted him about this and asked why he hadn’t let us know beforehand that he was planning to visit and his response was that he didn’t ask because he knew I would say no to them coming.

I felt very disrespected and told him this and it resulted in him not speaking to me for almost a year (this is very typical in how he deals with disagreements with others).

When he eventually reached out to me there was no attempt to speak about the issue, instead he acted like nothing had happened. I decided to let it go for the sake of my children and their relationship with him.

However, since then he has turned up unannounced again and when confronted he said he was “in the area” despite living almost an hour away.

I am at a loss as to how to deal with this situation. It is a conscious decision that he is making as he is fully aware that we would like to be made aware of his plans to visit beforehand. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and do you have any advice on how to deal with this?

AIBU for not wanting others to turn up to my home unannounced?

I'm torn. I live near my parents and I'm quite close with them so they often turn up at my house as do I at theirs. I think that's pretty normal. Without knowing your history with him it's quite hard to understand why it's such a problem.
On the other hand though you have asked him not to turn up unannounced and he continues to do so, and that is disrespectful.

I would speak to him again and maybe arrange 2 days a month when he can come over so you all know where you stand.
Maybe he's lonely and wants to spend time with you all. That's what family is for after all.

(Pressed post too soon)

Lastly if he shows up, don’t let him in. You’ve already told him that he’s not welcome and you don’t want to see him, so show him that your words have meaning and you’re willing to stand by them. At the moment he’s trampling all over your boundaries as you’re not enforcing them.
Show him you mean business!

I am in the ‘don’t like unannounced visits’ camp. Dont care who it is, you have a phone, use it!

OP I’m with you on this you obviously don’t have a strong relationship with your father You have a busy home life I really don’t like people just turning up myself and DH both work full time we have teenage boys
(at college) so not little ones but the weekend is the only time we are all at home and we are usually busy with housework and catching up with each other
I don’t get dressed properly on a weekend and certainly don’t do my hair properly I’d be mortified if someone just turned up at my door there has to be boundaries.
I would never turn up to any of my family members houses without making arrangements first as we all have busy lives.

I think this is sad - your dad has said he doesn't phone ahead as he thinks you'll put him off visiting 😕 and you 'confronted' him about it which is an odd way to describe a conversation with your dad 😳 he only lives an hour away - why not make a bit more effort to invite him over? He obviously wants to see you and his Grandchildren. My dad has been gone 8 years now but I was always happy to see him, convenient or not 🤷‍♀️ he's your dad - he won't be here forever.

I AGree. Its so sad when prople don't want family popping in. He's not going to stay all day. Make him a cuppa let him see kids for an hour. Jesus they are his grandchildren. Hes probably dying for a cuddle everyome seems so busy and uptight these days. So what if you and house are a mess. Have a chat. Hell u may even get a break for half an hour to fold aome laundry or aonething while he entertains the kids

I just cant imagine this scenario. I would be over the moon to have any of my family just turn up.

You can't bend someone to your will, I would say especially not your parents. These things are deeply ingrained: to their way of thinking, parents are responsible and in charge - of family and of children. It goes against everything they know, for their children to be dictating to them. It overturns the natural order. They are family and to them it would be unthinkable that family would not see them.

Put in perspective of the broad sweep of life and family, parents, grandparents, the new growing generations and the passage of years, an injunction against turning up or requiring them to telephone before visiting may be seen as petty and incomprehensible. Or unserious: you don't really mean it; deep down you will be glad when you see them and any temporary inconvenience or awkwardness will melt away in the warmth of seeing them and spending time together. Your father interpreted it as the only way he had to see and maintain a relationship with you and grandchildren. So to him it made perfect sense in the scheme of things.

People behave in certain ways that are hard to understand: They won't phone and have a conversation. Someone turned up at my house, climbed over the fence and knocked on the window - what do I have a telephone, a fence, and a doorbell for? I cannot describe my fury at this but neither could I hope to get this across to the person concerned - not a family member. And if it were a family member, I would not tell them not to do it. They're family. That's why they do things like that, believing that I will appreciate them and their goodwill despite it.

Not everyone likes their parents, or enjoys spending time with them.

For some it’s like having a slightly annoying colleague who thinks they know you inside out turn up at your door unannounced!

You "confronted" him for turning up unannounced? (twice!)

No wonder he didn't speak to you for a year.

Asking someone to give you a bit of notice before arriving = fine
Confronting them about turning up without calling = sounds very aggressive and totally unnecessary.

So many responses from people without the imagination to see that some peoples parents are difficult or not worth having a relationship with.

OP you can't stop him from turning up but you don't have to let him in.

I also can’t stand unannounced visitors, but not everything needs to become a ‘confrontation’ with accusations of disrespect and boundary violations etc. That just all seems like unnecessary escalation and drama.

Would you feel guilty and wish you'd spent more time with him if he died tomorrow?

If yes, have a word with yourself and make arrangements to see him that work for you as well, so he has something to look forward to and something planned.

If no, just cut contact anyway.

You say he has done this a few times in several years. Do you mean that these occasions are the only times you have seen him during that time or have there been other visits from you to him or announced visits from him to you?
I rather get the impression you would rather he didn't turn up at all, announced or otherwise. Maybe he got that impression too which was why you didn't see him for a year. If you had to choose between seeing him unannounced or never seeing him again which option would you prefer? Not saying either choice would be wrong by the way. It seems to me that if you are telling him to phone first to book a visit and then when he does you always put him off because you don't actually want to see him then it would be kinder in the long run to tell him that so that he can cultivate other relationships instead.

Next time, I'd not let him in and message him that you're still in pyjamas and about to have a shower so he'll have to wait on the doorstep for 45 minutes while you get ready.

Can people really not see why not letting others know you're coming is a PITA?

I don’t mind people turning up unannounced, in fact I quite enjoy it! I also pop in on friends that I know also don’t mind it. I didn’t realise until recently that it was such a no no to some.

That said if you have made it clear that you don’t like it then he is being unfair. Could you agree with him to meet up more often and tell him you would prefer this to him turning up? Whatever your relationship he obviously wants to spend time with you/the children.

I don’t like unannounced visits.

However, I do think there’s a difference between dropping in on a family member who has three small kids and dropping in on a family member who doesn’t have dependents.

I know people who will call in unannounced on a young couple at 8pm on a Saturday night or very early on a Sunday morning, which I think is entirely rude, intrusive and controlling. Almost as if they can’t deal with their adult children having their own life.

A huge argument once broke out in my family because two family members dropped by unannounced just as someone was going out. They called ahead - meaning they literally called when they were 20 seconds away from the front door. The person they were visiting told them they had to give their girlfriend a lift to an appointment and they were both in the car ready to leave. The two who decide to drop in were furious that they didn’t drop their plans and let them in. And were so ignorant they couldn’t see why what they did was wrong.

YANBU if you have a difficult relationship with him.
15 ish years ago my FIL had a nasy falling out with DH ( all FIL's doing - money related ) 3 ish months later FIL needed something decided to let bygones be bygones and turned up at the door one tuesday afternoon because he saw my car in the drive. I had left work early because I felt awful. I answered the door and told him, truthfully, that DH was out of the country ( working) and that I was unwell. He wouldn't take no for an answer and basically pushed past me to get in . I vomited on his shoes.
@Peaches07 maybe try that ?
IIRC I was in pajamas sans bra .

@Peaches07 your dad is selfish as hell. That is so rude. I'm Cuban and lots of Cubans like doing that but they don't like it when people do it to them. Try showing up at his place with all your kids and his ex-wife (I'm pretty sure he has at least one) on a few random days and he might start thinking about it.
People here judge you based on their own relationship with their parent, they're not placing themselves in your shoes.

If you are neurodiverse ( and usually undiagnosed if you are over 20) you usually don't want people coming randomly. If you are not, then you don't mind.
This is one of the many situations where ND and typical people don't get each other at all.

How about 'phoning him & asking
"Would you like to visit next xday at x o'clock ?"

At a time that would suit you, & presumably you know about his schedule.

I'm surprised anyone on here ever manages a relationship with anyone let alone their parents. It's nuts and rude to speak about your father as if he's some random bloke strolling in. I'll guess his relationship with the grandchildren is pretty crap too. How could it not be with your behaviour.

Everything that @Noseybookworm said .

My kids and other close family can turn up when they want….open house ….I’m always welcome at my kids without an invite….that’s just how our family works….we are close though….not everyone is I get that

Agreed. She has asked him not to do it and he keeps doing it. He knows she doesn’t like it. He brought someone without asking first, someone she hadn’t seen to a long time. He’s a sulker, not speaking to her for a year.
OP isn’t an unreasonable person being weird about a beloved kind relative popping in. Her father clearly isn’t very nice.
OP the poll is irrelevant. The important thing is that you and your dad don’t have a good relationship and he doesn’t respect your boundaries. You have every right to not accept these visits.