To wish woman didn’t have to work

[Blueberryancakes]

I think I was born in the wrong decade.

Somedays/Most days I wish I lived in the days when once a woman got married she would give up work. Stay at home have children, cook and clean.

I know it’s such an anti feminist opinion but I guess that’s how I feel.

I enjoy cooking and cleaning. I hate going to work. I wish we lived in a time when 1 wage would pay the bills.

Anyone else think like me?
I know woman now have so many career options nowadays but house wife seems to be a very privileged one.

Why is it always women giving things up? Why didn’t you both go part-time? Or why did your husband not give up his job? You’ve been somewhat disingenuous to say that if you want something enough then it’s achievable. Essentially everything comes down to finances. The money has to stack up you were able to give up work because jointly you were able to make cuts & restrictions that you were willing to make.

Does he pay you?

Why not? Your comment automatically assumes that because a woman stays at home it’s down to patriarchal society. Men choose to stay at home too, albeit that arrangement may be a lot less common. If a family can happily live within their means then why can’t they?

Most women do this as well as work. This is not isolated to being a SAHM it’s not like it’s binary. You stay at home and look after your children or you work. The vast majority of women work some period of time and look after their children.

Why not? Why are the giver upers women,why is that the default? The person taking the hit,giving up money & career is presumed to be the woman. That patriarchy in plain sight. Thats manifestation of presumption & prejudice. The mummy martyr who gives up things,for the family,for everyone else. You’re posting a lot of ifs and whys. All very sepia toned but sidestepping the baked in discrimination, it’s always women who are expected to give things up, including you. Your husband didn’t go pt he didn’t give up work, you did

change in circumstances is only achievable when the money stacks up. Desiring something isn’t in itself enough

finally, are you happy that it’s women habitually who give things up? You acknowledge a tiny minority of men give up work . What’s your thoughts, should men do more?should men share staying home?

Do the posters who think women who work are jealous think that about men too? Do you imagine men all wish they could be SAHDs? Are your husbands bitter and jealous?

It's weird that in basically all other ways society is set up to suit men except in this very specific case where men have given themselves the bum deal in being in charge of all spheres except domestic.

I have zero issue with SAHMs by the way, I know some fantastic women who don't have jobs and my husband is a SAHD and I am hugely grateful to him. I do have an issue with people saying all women wish that they were SAHM it shows a huge lack of imagination. We are not all the same and that's ok.

But to get back to OP - as long as you can find someone to finance your lifestyle, you do not have to work. That has always been the case - difference being that nowadays as a woman, you can also choose to earn your own money, and you don't have to rely on a man.

Although you statement is not 100% invalid, why can you still not except that some spouses (regardless of gender) actually want to give up their work?

Whether I think men as a collective should do more is completely irrelevant, what’s important is the dynamics in a family, every situation is completely different and family life shouldn’t have to fit one certain ideology. If you can make things work and everyone is happy… what is the issue?

The above point get more to the crux of the issue than the majority of the posts on this thread.

Women can argue until the cows come home about whether their household's division of paid and domestic labour is 'feminist' or otherwise. They can bombast those who split that labour differently from their own household, because for some reason they believe denigrating other women's decisions validates their own. Then the argments are repeated ad nauseam on every thread of this type, like a hamster in a treadmill to nowhere.

It's far more productive to examine the conditions under which these decisions are made. In many cases these are not completely free choices, as evidenced by posts above from women who want to stay at home but their combined finances don't accommodate this, or the discrimination women face in the workplace which men don't have to do battle with every day of their working lives.

A woman who stays at home isn't selling out career women, or vice versa. I'm about as interested in how other women structure their lives as your average man is about the paid vs. domestic labour of other men. (Of course, men don't have to be interested. The whole of society is structured to cater to their interests). It's undeniable that most of the sacrifice is expected to be made by women. This is because our society is patriarchal: it's systemically, structurally and culturally set up to view men as default humans and women as support vessels. It exists everywhere from low-level sexism encountered almost daily to the interior design of your average ladies' lav. Ergo, claims that the 'there is no patriarchy' and 'I didn't make my lifestyle choices based on a patriarchy' are demonstraby untrue. If you want to justify your own decisions by, for instance, sniping that others are 'jealous' of you, knock yourself out. You'll likely be treated with as little seriousness as these comments merit. But denial of the patriarchal conditions under which we all live and which, to whatever extent, inescapably influences these choices, is a lot more harmful to women of whatever persuasion and no matter what choices we make.

If feminism's objectives truly are equality, rather than the childish 'my mum's better than your mum' tone of one-upmanship seen upthread, it's in absolutely no one's interests to deny this reality exists.

Also - it's interesting how other women who make other choices are always the fall guys for this situation in some women's eyes. Why not direct some of this ire toward those who do have a responsibility and/or could effect real change (which they won't do, because it doesn't benefit their interests)? Of course that wouldn't be other women. It would be men.

Patriarchy in action.

Fascinating insights into people’s ingrained prejudices based on…what? The thought that to do paid work is the only path to fulfilment, to feel like your ‘true’ self (I’m guessing sans kids), the ultimate goal being that worth is derived from monetary compensation only and anything other then that is weak, useless, mindless….

Try reading ‘Matrescence’ by Lucy Jones, it’s a truly eye opening explanation of the changes that we all go through as mothers. Its represents every single one of us, supports why it’s useless bashing each others choices and sending each other into a guilt cycle (we’re all inherently suffering guilt to some extent whatever we choose).

Caregiving full time at home is ‘confronting, creative, exciting, beautiful, stressful, alarming, rewarding, tedious, transformative, enlivening and (sometimes) deadening’ much more essential to a working society then we give it credit for.

Alot of comments on here start off balanced and end in little sounds bites like ‘but I want to role model for my child that women are more then XYZ’ they never quite reach the rounded and supportive notion that women can be anything that they wish to be.

My child might not see me go out to do paid work, but they will see me care for them, be around them consistently, Support them, keep our home to a good standard and reduce the overall stress from not having enough time to do certain things. Or running from one thing to the next. I’m sure they will only fully see and appreciate this when they possibly have children themselves, that’s okay because they owe me nothing!

family life shouldn’t have to fit one certain ideology.

'Should' is about the most futile word in the English language.

Of course it shouldn't. But it invariably does. Society is patriarchal, and society is reflected in the microcosm of the family.

Exactly.
Women opting out the workforce minimise that everything, absolutely everything is down to money.
They deny any possibility of their husbands leaving them, or having a mental brekdown/ burnout/ being ill. Those are things that happen to other people.
The desire to live the life of someone where they don't need to worry where the money come from, makes them oblivious of real risks. Because "my children are the number one priority".
But days out cost money and SAHMs don't like being at home, they like to spend the day out and about as we all do. They didn't realise that by having that lifestyle they are condemning their partners to a long mortgage doing a job that I'm sure they would rather not do.
I think fenisim is about allowing men and women to have some freedom. To choose how many years they want to be slaving away in a job. To equaly having the responsibility of making the money that buys that freedom.

Why is it always women giving things up?

Some people actually regard going to work as 'giving things up'. They are giving up what they enjoy most, namely caring for others.

Offering their labour to a company in return for a salary is often not that valuable to some people, assuming they don't need the extra income obviously.

They deny any possibility of their husbands leaving them, or having a mental brekdown/ burnout/ being ill.

I'm not sure that they deny these aspects, but rather they make a calculated decision based on probability and the relative costs and benefits. They will ensure that they'll be financially secure even if their relationship were to end. As with anything in life, you can't eliminate all risks, but you can try to minimise them.

OP I find myself feeling like this alot! But I wish I could stay home and still get paid!

They will ensure that they'll be financially secure even if their relationship were to end.

Are they though? Like a previous poster confidently stating that all women consider their circumstances, mitigate risks and take calculated decisions. I'm sure some do. But for the vast majority, at least on MN, the decision seems to be based on 'I want to be home and/or can't afford childcare'. Not to mention that for a low or average earner, the options to ensure you are financially secure if the husband no longer can or wants to support the family are quite limited, are they not?

The problem is that it's an every woman or no women go out to work as it's all around money, house prices are now based around 2 peoples salary because that's what most people come with. It's an unfortunate effect of the free market economy.

I am a housewife and I have never been happier. The idea of having to go back into the rat race of employment is a miserable one and thankfully highly unlikely to happen.
I often see the lack of purpose/fulfilment or the 'what do you do all day?' questions aimed at housewives/SAHM, everyone's situation is different so I can only answer for myself.

We have a large house and grounds with two teens, so a lot of my time during the school day is taken up with cleaning and gardening which I love this time of year, meal prep and cooking. We all sit down to dinner at 5:30 - 6pm each evening. I like to have all of the housework done by the weekend so everyone can just relax and enjoy whatever it is they would like to do. DH is self employed, WFH the majority of the time now, so we often go out to grab a coffee together at lunchtime. I have more time than ever to see my family and friends. I often host family get togethers, have the in laws over or the kids have their friends over at weekends. We could afford a cleaner but I feel that would be quite lazy all things considered.

I feel tremendous satisfaction sitting in my tidy home, looking at my beautiful garden, growing my own vegetables, watching my family enjoy homecooked meals... more so than I ever did or could slaving away at work for 8hrs a day, lining the pockets of people who meant absolutely nothing to me and vice versa, just so I could say I'd climbed the corporate ladder. I appreciate not many women do have this choice and consider myself very fortunate indeed, this is just one perspective of a housewife.

They will ensure that they'll be financially secure even if their relationship were to end.

I'm sorry to say that we have stories on here every day disproving that idea.

Why is it “highly unlikely” you’ll need to work?

if you split can you afford you lovely big house by yourself?

if your dh lost his job or suffered an accident where he couldn’t work how would you pay the bills?

would your husband like to reduce his work hours and enjoy more time the way you do? Do you think it’s fair you have this nice relaxed life while he works the hours you don’t want to?

The day I’ll find fulfilment in cleaning my house is the day I know my brain cells have been depleted

+1!

Always worked you may need your own money one day.

@Littlelillies · Today 07:09

Slave for your husband?

You must have a very unkind and unthankful husband?!

Thankfully many husbands are very supportive and appreciative if their partners take care of the home and children.

This. ^

DH earns around £200k pa, sometimes more. We are mortgage free. Our marriage is solid. DH has his own business so couldn't just lose his job. If the business went tits up he would find employment with ease as he his specialised and highly qualified. He is currently venturing into property development, so that will be another avenue of income. We have hefty insurance in place should he become ill, injured or die.

He works whatever hours he chooses to. He enjoys work, he is very driven by money and motivated by successful business transactions, he finds the bartering and making a good deal fun.

The value of my contributions in the home are far greater than any financial offerings I could provide, as they are simply not needed. The whole family benefits from this dynamic.

We both have a nice relaxed life.

I'm quite certain my husband definitely would not prefer I work all week, that would mean he would have to help with changing bedsheets, mountains of laundry and cleaning the house all weekend, rather than enjoying his football or spending quality time with me and the kids. Not to mention eating meals that have been slung together at 7:30pm each night.