To wish woman didn’t have to work

[Blueberryancakes]

I think I was born in the wrong decade.

Somedays/Most days I wish I lived in the days when once a woman got married she would give up work. Stay at home have children, cook and clean.

I know it’s such an anti feminist opinion but I guess that’s how I feel.

I enjoy cooking and cleaning. I hate going to work. I wish we lived in a time when 1 wage would pay the bills.

Anyone else think like me?
I know woman now have so many career options nowadays but house wife seems to be a very privileged one.

A LOT of women feel this way and would love to be at home full time – I find it deeply sad that it’s become so shocking, counter–cultural and stigmatised to even suggest that we as women could find full fulfilment in our home and family. And all the passive aggressive assertions from women at my workplace about how they couldn’t be at home full time and how they “need more of a challenge and a bit of their own life“ 🙄 can feel a bit forced. Someone I worked with years ago came back to work after having her DS and you could see that she was very distressed about it but she kept up this pretence of how glad she was to dress up for work again and it was quite uncomfortable to see her dissemble to such a degree.

What about what the children want?

As a child, if I could choose between having a stay at home mother with me every day,

Or going to nursery/childminder.

I would choose going to the nursery/childminder.

A lot of children want to get out and socialise. Not stay home

Hence it might be a nice life being a SAHM if you have money. Playing tennis, lunching , weekends away etc are impossible for some if they don't work.

Only SAHM I ever knew were on benefits.

My mum grandmother's aunts etc ALL worked

I chose a career (one I've loved, and which I find satisfying and fulfilling). I also find being a mother satisfying and fulfilling: but one is a job, the other a relationship, and they are distinct. I call myself by my own family name. I have my own pension. If I needed to be self-sufficient, I could be. None of this makes me any less of a loving wife, and I am not a 'part-time mother'.

Our truths are very different by your own account and mine; nonetheless, I agree with every word you say.

Choice feminism is indeed rotten, as is the assumption that alternative choices to our own are a betrayal of a faceless 'society' or some imagined sisterhood. It would be great to get away from this pointless sense that women who divide their domestic and professional labour differently from us are somehow The Enemy, or have failed to adhere to the version of feminism we ourselves find acceptable.

They're not. The conditions under which these decisions are made are what truly do need calling into question. It's obvious from the many variations on this theme seen on MN alone, that the options open to women might be fine for me, but they're still not working for a sizeable proportion of us. The reasons are obvious: our patriarchal society is simply not set up to benefit women's interests.

That's the problem we should really be scrutinising.

Did anyone on here enjoy having a Stay at home mother?

I didnt.

It's my opinion that it's too much for the mother and for the children, to be around each other 24/ 7 for years.

People, both adults and children need to socialise.

When I wanted a career, I found it very difficult due to sexism.

When I had children, my career was impossible due to ramped up sexism. So I quit work and became a childminder, which worked for me. My ex was a cocklodging abuser so it was all on me.

I ditched him but lost my house and cars along with my two businesses.

I've been a single mum ever since, before marrying but being disabled so can't work even when I've tried to!

Do i prefer being a home maker/being at home?

HELL YES. My life is home. My hobbies, my things, my whole life.

Career was bullshit. We don't live in a world where women are treated equally.

I couldn't even start a degree as a single mum, because of the barriers.

It's all bullshit, we were lied to.

Women have two choices.

Career OR children. You can't really do both and do a good job at either. One always suffers.

I choose my family.

Women have two choices.

Career OR children. You can't really do both and do a good job at either. One always suffers.

Totally untrue.

No - you have completely misunderstood what I said! I was pointing out that children would always have been alongside their primary caregivers as they were growing up. There would have been no forced separation during their important early years. Of course women have always worked - but they have not always been expected (for the vast majority of their evolution and existence) to have been separated from their young children in order to carry out that work.

I didn’t because my mother was a bad mother. Not because she was a SAHM - she was an unpleasant person.
I didn’t know any mums who worked. I would have liked their SAH Mums.

What about what the children want?
As a child, if I could choose between having a stay at home mother with me every day,
Or going to nursery/childminder.
I would choose going to the nursery/childminder.

When I think about ‘staying at home,’ it’s not about physically being at home with a child all the time. It’s more about having the time and energy to invest into them the way they want/need. I don’t have a defined mental picture of the way life will be. The ideal is to adapt what you do based on the child’s personality/interests. A very socialable child might want to be involved in lots of group play and activities. Likewise, a more introverted one might like more time away from groups. You don’t know ahead of time.

I did, when I was little.
But looking back on it now I can see there were downsides for me, and massively so for my Mum.

So if men felt the same way as women and didn't want to work, what exactly would happen?

If I truly examined it-

yes I would want not to be able to work.

however I don’t think it would be driven by a desire to care for and nurture kids. It’s because I don’t want to work.

how many of us, male or female, would work if we had the financial means not to? Both dh and I would jack it in asap if we won the lottery.

I’d be happy not working. Clean house, get to the gym everyday. Time to stuff I want to do while kids are at school. But why should I get to do that while dh works his arse off not seeing me or his kids, purely so I could have that luxury.

modern living- dishwashers, washing machines, freezers, on line banking etc mean we don’t have to put the hours in or do the daily trips to the bank, butchers, grocers etc.

i’d definitely prefer we both worked part time, and both had a fair life balance.

I have two primary-aged children and I work four days a week. My feelings on it are changeable, but I am currently daydreaming about being a SAHP.

My FTE wage is pretty much the same as DH's so we would lose a massive chunk of our income though so it's not really an option.

I think it's mainly just having the headspace to deal with it all. I am lucky that my job is very flexible and not massively stressful, but there are still things I worry about and I'm just not enjoying it that much at the moment nor feeling like I'm doing a good job.

Plus DC1 has just been diagnosed with ASD and we are really struggling to get her into school at the moment. So once she's finally in, it already feels like I've done a day's work... I then have to switch to work-mode (and am often late).

The house is always a mess and I just don't feel as though I'm succeeding at anything at the moment!

I want to be able to spend time on and do a better job of the housework and allllll the life admin and have enough headspace and time to then be able to better deal with the DC before and after school. And not have to juggle childcare in the holidays...

I only know a few SAHPs with school-aged children but they always seem so much more relaxed and able to take life at a slower pace than anyone else!

I loved having a SAHM, which is part of why I became one myself. “To be around each other 24/7 for years” - where did you grow up, a secret underground bunker?! 😂

No I grew up with a stay at home mother.

I mean before school starts obviously. You are with your mother 24/7 if she chooses to be a SAHM.

I never went to nursery/creche.

Lots of my friends went to nursery.

Some people I know now, still have friends from their nursery days!

It’s very easy for the women on here who love their jobs (careers) to say they’d hate being at home but when you hate your job, when it’s mind numbing, when you work with toxic managers or nasty colleagues then being at home can be heaven (I know). The downside of course is financial vulnerability but if the working partner is a good person then planning that out should solve that.

Exactly. It is cruel to mother and child to separate them in the early years. Why should I have a baby, then give them to motherless young women to raise, with their values, their accent and for money?

My child, my values, my skills and knowledge passed down thank you very much. The state does a very poor job.

Take it in turns?

Working class women have always had to work. The 'supported on one salary' thing is very middle class. So what is really meant is that you wish you were rich enough not to have to work. Don't we all!

My own mother was a SAHM and I followed suit. I loved it and am still really close to her now. I was fortunate to be a sahm and would love to do it all again given half the chance. I have always loved being with children and running the house and all that is involved in that. I too think I was born 8n the wrong era!

No, but with one SAHP (whichever way round it is), once the DC are at nursery/school, the other then has less 'work' outside of work to do and everyone has more leisure time.

Two FT-ers, all the housework, life admin and domestic work should then be shared outside of work - barely any free time.

One SAHP - most of that can be done whilst DC are at nursery/school.

Plus holiday childcare - at the moment, we barely get to take any holiday together or to have a break whilst DC are in school - most is divided up so we can cover the 13 weeks of school holidays.

With one SAHP, the working parent can take time off at their leisure, to spend time as a family and also take time off in term-time so they also get a break.

Why does it have to be one full time one sah?

friends do 0.7 each. Both get days at home, holidays. Slightly more than one full time salary.

the household chores are shared so one person doesn’t take on the full load.

they both have the option to return full time when kids are more independent.

there’s less reliance on one earner- sickness, redundancy etc are less of a worry.

both still have pensions, and both will get critical illness/death in service benefit. So should one die the other isn’t left disadvantaged.

it just seems daft to me that this doesn’t seem to occur to anyone, it’s always got to be one working/main earner.

I was a SAHM up until my youngest started senior school, so sixteen years in all. Before that I worked for many years (I had my children late, early forties). I loved, absolutely loved being a SAHM. I had to go back to work though (single mum) and everything went to pot. I went from being at home to being out at work five days a week, the house became a huge mess, cooking became a chore (I used to home bake a lot at home), dinners started to be quickly thrown together. I hated it.

Fine if you love your job and are skipping in excitement to it every day but if not then it sucks. I’m in my early sixties and I don’t want to effing work. I want to do my garden, I want to bake again, I want to be my own boss and structure my day exactly how I want, I want to sleep in the afternoon if I’m tired (how many times did I sit in the loos at work just closing my eyes for a bit). I love being at home, never bored even when I’m doing nothing in particular.

Actually I am proposing state provided child care. With state mandated standards and checks. It works in most of mainland Europe. Better than trying to turn a profit out of caring for other peoples children. I would also suggest 18 months of paid leave with 3 months ring fenced for the non-birthing parent as in Sweden.