To wish woman didn’t have to work

[Blueberryancakes]

I think I was born in the wrong decade.

Somedays/Most days I wish I lived in the days when once a woman got married she would give up work. Stay at home have children, cook and clean.

I know it’s such an anti feminist opinion but I guess that’s how I feel.

I enjoy cooking and cleaning. I hate going to work. I wish we lived in a time when 1 wage would pay the bills.

Anyone else think like me?
I know woman now have so many career options nowadays but house wife seems to be a very privileged one.

You sound like a working single mum!

When I worked I invested all my money, I have my own property that generates income amongst other investments and savings. I also control all the household finances.
So much so that my husband could actually take a long term unpaid break from work. I would be totally fine alone however my lifestyle might change.
I think it’s important there isn’t the expectation that one simply works and the other cooks/cleans but that we are both contributing to the family in the most efficient/happiest way we can.

I am glad your cousin had the sense to put some money aside and I hope she got good alimony!

I don't necessarily think that mothers staying at home, is the best thing for their children.

I remember that my mother gave up work for a couple of years - to look after me and my brother.

During those years, she became very isolated and miserable. She lost a lot of friends as she wasn't out talking to people. She also took her unhappiness out on us.

I as a child didn't enjoy being around her during those years.
And as she became isolated, I also became more isolated.

When I was a bit older, my mum decided to go back to work. Her life improved .
And my life improved. She became known more in the community, and she had more of a social circle and I also then had more of a social circle.

When she had her own outside interests and work , she also became a better parent to us.

My life as a child was much better, when my mum went back to work

I worked part time when my kids were under school age and don’t have any regrets. It kept me current in the work force, was able to get ahead financially. Now I’m still part time with school aged children and I think it’s good. I like contributing to others’ lives not just my family. I’d find it really boring and self limiting to just stay home full time. Plus my DH has been able to drop to 4 long days. I wonder if your DH would like to stay home? We should give partners the option too

My late DM (more-or-less working class Londoner) married 'up' slightly and didn't work outside the home since the day she got married. She was a telephonist/receptionist before that.
She and my DF had a long honeymoon in France and Switzerland by train, and I think she was pregnant shortly afterwards. I was born 10 months after the wedding.
Then she and I, aged just six weeks, flew out to the Middle East where DF was working.
It didn't seem to be the done thing for wives to go out to work there even though we had servants in the house. I suppose she had to 'manage' them. A fairly old fashioned and colonial lifestyle.
She spent her days with friends at the Company 'club' at the pool, visiting or shopping or going to coffee mornings etc. I think she enjoyed it very much.
She did do some voluntary work after they returned to the UK in retirement.

I recommend to you the brilliant Mary Harrington! Her thesis (well, not exclusively hers, of course!) is that women and men have always worked together and, until the Industrial Revolution, it was the home that was the center of the productive economy: the work was geared toward supporting the family unit (family understood as an economic unit, and not the 20th century idea of nuclear family). I'm sure I'm being grossly reductionist and not doing her brilliant work any justice by summarizing it so simply!

She certainly has helped me to "reconcile" my views (very similar to yours) with the clear evidence that the solution isn't the reductionist "women should be home while men work outside": there's so much more our ancestors did that has been obfuscated by us looking anachronistically at the past.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I don't think you're being unreasonable at all!

Servants would change things. It’s the drudgery that would be awful. However, part of me would feel guilty for having a life of leisure while the man goes to work.

not having ago at your DM, she sounds like she had a happy life and that’s the aim.

I wouldn't mind being SAHM if I had a nanny and cleaner every day. But to spend the day doing housework and looking after kids - no thanks.

That sounds like a nice life!

Not for the servants.

For your mother.

Even working didn't give equality, women were still considered second class citizens. My late MIL was appalled when having a roast dinner at my parents' house, at the end of the meal my father went into the kitchen, brought two tea towels in and tossed one each to my OH and my brother, 'I'll wash you two can dry'.

Youngones1

No

This assumes that (including during maternity leave) he is doing and paying for 50% of all childcare and household labour and expenses. The figures show most men fall short in this regard and exploit women's unpaid labour.

It's only feels like a privilege if you choose it. If you really love your work but are home maker because that makes better economic sense for the family plus it is better for your children and/or you are limited by your health or other caring responsibilities, then you accept it and count your blessings but doesn't mean you don't work. I'd pay someone else to do all the domestic work if I was super rich and just spend quality time with my loved ones. That's not my life though. My unpaid labour is needed in my family.

I don't think it's anti-feminist to crave a life you would enjoy more at all, or to want to be the person who provides care for your children, should you wish.

In an ideal society, women would be free to do what they want to, be that a career or not.

I hear many people say that women had to 'fight for the right' to have a career but in reality many were forced into work because our government craved the additional taxes of a female workforce and the cost of living/house prices have risen to such a degree that families can't survive on one salary any more.

It seems like we're being fed the 'American Dream' - a society where everyone works themselves into an early grave, never achieving the success they crave.

Work life balance is fecked and I really hope future generations find a way around this to live a more fulfilled life.

So you would happily employ other women but would not work yourself.
I have worked/run a business since my 20s. I had a cleaner when I worked full time but when DS was born I chose to work part time. I couldn’t justify paying someone else to clean my house when I was free to do it myself.
I now work one day a week since retiring early ( a good pension is the one benefit of working) so I get paid for doing bugger all 6 days a week and then almost as much for the one day I work.
Financial independence is very important to me. My DH had a stroke a couple of years ago and is no longer able to work.
If anything happens to him I will not suffer financially. We are actually better off now than when we both worked.
I would urge all young women to start investing in their future as soon as they start work. You may need to forgo the odd holiday or that new iPhone, but the longterm benefits of saving mean that maternity leave and other big life events are less stressful if you have that emergency fund tucked away.
My niece is finishing uni this year and has managed to save money from her maintenance loan. She has made some interest on it so going forward can pay off a sizeable lump sum off her loans. So she has effectively borrowed money to invest then will use it to pay back the loan. I suspect she will go far in life. Her and her boyfriend make money buying and selling clothing online.
They pick up bargain designer wear then resell it by simply ironing it and modelling well. She also trawls the charity shops.
She is also a talented artist and takes commissions.
It’s interesting that her DF was a SAHP by choice ( not my DSis choice though) so her roll model was her DM a full time professional. DSis divorced her DH after years of reluctantly supporting him. Both my nieces are hard workers. I think that they have seen the benefits of being a financially independent woman.

@sellyourcar not a child.

Some of the sahms on here really do live a life of privilege. Naps, lunches, day sex, with little chores, work at all. If my husband was living this sort of life and I was at work I’d feel mad about it.

Good on you to those that are doing it and are happy.

Why would the DH be mad? He’s getting day sex 😂

What on earth is day sex. Like the gardener on desperate Housewives do you mean.

@Superfoodie123 I work in a child care setting and I find your comment really unfair. I do care about the children I look after. I care very much. I understand how hard it is to leave your small ones with others, but it's very insulting to think after all my years of study and 10+ years experience you belive that people like me couldn't care less about your children.

Surely it’s obvious , it is sex during the day.

This is the problem, when women were able to join the workforce and have a good salary this got reflected into the house prices. So before women didn’t really have the option to work, now we don’t have the option to not work unless we’re extremely privileged 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wonder what it would be like to know I could afford to keep a house husband - sounds amazing! Instead we just have to do everything!

I totally understand that it feels right for many women to be with their children as nature likely intended that we or someone close to a child will feel compelled to look after them. What this does however when it falls to women who end up staying at home rather than husbands, is it shifts the power balance back in time. The more dependent women are on men in society the greater control men hold. Whilst some say feminism is about choice- it’s much more about striving for equality. Being a stay at home mum for SOME is a disaster as they lose independence, freedom and in some cases respect and autonomy. Clearly it works very well for some, but I suspect it’s where there is either an absolutely bullet proof relationship and huge mutual trust and respect or where the woman has financial means of her own to enable stability and autonomy. For those women at the hands of coercive controllers it is a recipe for disaster as they lose identity, freedom and ability to be able to see a way out . At the time of deciding I can appreciate it “ feels right” and the feelings are powerful when it comes to our drive to protect and nurture babies/ children but longer term and on a wider societal basis it’s not positive

And what happens OP when the partner turns out to be a cheat or an abuser or wants to divorce you and you have no money and career of your own?

In the past many women were stuck in violent, loveless marriages for life because they were economically dependent on a man.

Hardly something to aspire to.

@Blueberryancakes
Women also couldn't vote or say no to their husbands, if you're happy with that exchange there are still some countries that work like that.
Or you could get a job cooking/cleaning/looking after children. You could even child mind in your own home so you can see your own children all day and get some money for it.