To think my best friend is taking the piss

[Findingthisweekhard]

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

We’re conditioned to be nice and kind and not rock the boat.

Ive put a stop to my people pleasing and it’s made me much less resentful all round

I think what you sent was a very fair and considerate message. If she's a real friend she will understand and apologise for taking advantage.

Yes, I think (from MN and chatting other mugs like me) I’ve worked out that it is an all too common thing. So many CF’s out there parading as needy BFFs!

I really hope OP is able to step back and has supportive alternative friends to be there for her - and wish I’d known about MN all those years ago as it might have made me realise sooner that I was being used and encouraged me to act sooner!

OP is a kind and loyal friend and should hold her head up high. This situation is of her friend’s making.

Shamelessly following to see how the CF replies!!!

This happened to me. As soon as she started questioning my plans for the summer holidays and dropping it in that it would be a lovely idea for our children to spend a couple of weeks together five days a week, I made my excuses and funnily enough, she didn’t want to be friends anymore. I’d been duped into a friendship while she checked me out as a potential childminder. She moved on to another friend who fell for it.

I wouldn't have said yes on my day off.

Well done OP. I expect it will take a while for your friend to respond & she will be feeling bruised & hopefully a bit ashamed of her actions. It may affect your friendship from now on but I would question how good a friend she is when she is taking advantage of you in this way. I only mention as I know when I have asserted boundaries with friends it’s never been quite the same again but at the same time it couldn’t have carried on how it was either.

Did she reply?

Do you think it might have been nicer to just say when she messages you next time to ask to look after her kids/pick up etc:

'Hi, no i wont be able to collect/look after yours. Lets meet up soon though'?

Great message. Just to note lax was probably the word you were looking for rather than lapse, though I'm sure your "BFF" will get the meaning.

Yeah she’s taking the piss

No way I would have said yes to my day off too. Just no way and im so annoyed for you. Great message btw but I doubt she's read all of it to absorb her cheeky fuckery.

If this person is really your best friend, then I hate to think what your other friends are like

I think I’d have gone for a don’t complain, don’t explain approach too.

She has totally taken the piss so I fully agree that she really deserve any grace but you do seem to appreciate your friendship on some level, this matter aside.

Good for you OP - has there been a reply?

Be up front and honest.
Discuss it at a pleasant, arranged meet up with the two of you.
Agree to be an emergency contact (spell that out ie if there is a car accident )and otherwise arrange normal playdates sometimes but being the regular child care option is not working out and is not sustainable for your friendship nor for your good health and wellbeing.
Your friend might respond by offering to pay you for child care.
How would you react? Think about that in advance.
Do you want to be a paid child care person for some set hours per week?

No reply and her husband did school run this morning. I’m at work but will reply later if I hear something

The message you sent was polite, warm and seemed mindful of sustaining your friendship.
You have a gift of being able to write frankly with respect.

Great message I think. I hope it goes well

I also think that whether it's her or her husband who came up with this bonkers idea the light must have dawned by now that WFH with a toddler is nigh on impossible. Bad enough on the days when they have to be kept home from childcare through illness and you just have to muddle through it and hope your employer is forgiving.

So personally, given she is a close friend it's quite possible she didn't set out to completely take the piss. I'd treat it as a blip and one of those lessons in life we all learn from time to time. Unless her response is deep offence !

Does the husband normally do the school run? Or is she avoiding you?

OP - I assume you can tell if she's read the message (or not)?

Gutted for you that she doesn't have the grace to even acknowledge the message, let alone thank you for all the help you have given until this point. How was the husband with you?

wait so, you pay for care for your own child, thus freeing up your time which you got bullied into using to provide free childcare for your "friend"

she's a cf extreme but yabvvvvvvu to allow yourself to be taken advantage of like this and not advocate for yourself!

@Findingthisweekhard safe to assume she has the hump. But that’s not your fault, you aren’t responsible to take up the slack for their failure to arrange regular childcare.

and you were very reasonable in your explanation. If she can’t acknowledge you and your feelings, she’s no great pal.

x

Hopefully she is reflecting and will reply graciously as your message was very reasonable

I hope you're not feeling guilty. These are NOT your children!