To think my best friend is taking the piss

[Findingthisweekhard]

Me best friends daughter and dd are in the same year at the same school. I have older and younger children too and she also has a 1 year old. She’s got a 1 year old and has recently gone back to work full time, her husband also works full time.
She has no formal childcare. She was due to use the same childminder as me but changed her mind last minute as they didn’t want to pay for it.
Now almost weekly she’s asking me to pick up her school age dd and have her after school until she finishes work. Last week I had a day annual leave with my young kids at the childminder as some much needed down time, the night before she messaged begging me to have her little one for the day as she had no other options and had to go in to the office (she does twice a week). I reluctantly agreed and it was awful. My chilled day wondering the shops and lunch with my sister turned in to me rocking a buggy for hours, eating my lunch stood up bouncing him and just generally miserable.
shes just messaged me again asking to do the school run and it’s given me absolute rage.
ive dropped my hours to part time and pay for wrap around childcare on my office days and a childminder for all my working hours so we have less disposable income but live within our means. She’s taking advantage of this, to their benefit of 2 full time salaries and no childcare costs.
she really is my best friend but this can’t go on, aibu to stop collecting her child from school when I’m there collecting mine anyway?

It needed to be said. You said it. You could have given excuses, lied, whatever but she wouldn’t have given up as they desperately need you and banked on being able to USE YOU and your friendship. Friends don’t treat each other like that. She pushed you stopped rolling over. They won’t be happy and may be panicking because but your life will be better for being minus her, and father of the kids, not taking responsibility and most likely feeling smug that they’re getting all that childcare free and easily. Wishing you well findingthisweekhard As an aside what did your sister say when you turned up with your ‘friend’s’ child?

This is why companies are trying their hardest to get people back to working in the office.

It's people who take massive advantage of not being in an office environment that are making it harder and harder for the rest of the working population who have found that working from home to be equally if not more productive for them (and their business/company) to remain working from home for as long as it is possible.

Well done OP, thats a great message and hits just the right tone.

Just RTWT and was hoping she had replied by now!
Your message was spot on, friends don’t take advantage like that.
I hope she replies with a huge apology.

We wouldn’t have half as many post on AIBU if people ( mostly women) would just learn to say no!

Great message OP. 👏

C’mon though, she’s got the hide of a Rhino. She’s taking the piss with her employer by working from home whilst looking after the baby and decided that you can plug the gap for childminding when she’s got to work in the office.

She can save £££’s on childcare costs at your expense. She’s definitely no friend because what does she bring into your life other than added stress?

She’s not replied to your message because she’s too busy begging ‘a favour’ off another school mum and probably telling them that you’ve let her down at very short notice.

That sort will always spin the story so that she’s never to blame for the pickle she’s in, so I think you need to be wary of other people getting the wrong end of the stick and thinking you’re the one being flaky.

I’ll never forget the thread about the CFers who'd asked the OP if she would have their DC on the first Monday of the school hols – then decided that meant she'd have them every single day for the entire six weeks. From 6am to 2pm! They were hilariously outraged when she said no.

I was just thinking about that too, @Bookmark1111 ! I think it was that thread that spawned the WorkZilla epithet. If I remember correctly, in that one the OP’s DH finally sorted it; told them he worked really hard so that his wife could be at home with his kids and he wasn’t prepared to come home every night to find their son in his house.

This is what it boils down to: the fact that you don’t work or work less doesn’t mean your time isn’t valuable. In fact, there’s an opportunity cost to that time (as you could be using it to earn money, but are choosing to use it to spend time with your own kids). Your friend is using that tIme to earn money - but she’s not giving you any of that money, or treating you with it. So it’s just disrespectful of her to keep imposing on you. I’d say no every time outside a genuine emergency (eg someone being in hospital, not having failed to book a childminder!). Good for you for sending your message.

She DID get childcare! For free...YOU! What's the point of paying for childcare if you have your mug of a friend to do it for free...genius!
You may be her friend but she is obviously no friend of yours....

She’s probably busy trying to arrange emergency childcare with someone else. Giving up your day off was huge, they are so rare to have a child free day, I can understand why you got frustrated. Hopefully she’s taking some time to digest it. I am concerned about her youngest being cared for whilst they wfh, but this is not your problem.

The volume of lies this will take to maintain would be too much. Especially if the OP is collecting her child from school. It’s far more grown up to communicate the real reason than keep up a pretence.

@Findingthisweekhard

Brilliantly worded! ⬆️

I think your message @Findingthisweekhard is probably one of the best "No, you have to make alternative arrangements" messages I've read on MN in years. Well done and I for one can't wait to see what her response is.

This.

She may not have really thought about the impact on you and may be mistakenly thinking that you don't mind because you've never said no and seem to like being around children. Some people just lurch from one crisis to the next with childcare. You need to put it under a spotlight.

If she's a true friend you're likely to get a bit of radio silence followed by an eventual apology and the friendship continues. If she's a genuine CF she'll get angry and either try to wear you down, go off on one or drop you. In which case she's not a true friend. Either way, while the pushback may feel uncomfortable for you, either outcome is actually a win when you think about it.

If you're really really bad at being assertive you could preface it by saying how worried you are about her stress levels with having to sort out all these last minute childcare issues a day that's why she needs to get something more formal organised. You can then say that's why you did as you did to make the point you've not sorted it for yourself only to put yourself back into last-minute plan changes for her DC. Personally I wouldn't (short and clear is best) but it's a strategy if you're so bad at this sort of thing you won't do it unless you have a gentler lead in.

i am on maternity at the moment and a couple of times I have had my friends little one but that was because I offered as she was struggling. No way did she ask or expect it. She even offered to pay which I declined. That is a friend. You help each other out when needed but not be used. You are being used. Speak up.

I'm so sorry, what a horrible way to be treated. I don't know how some people manage to look at themselves in a mirror.
I suspect in this case, she was the permanent victim which justified the free childcare, your DC being diagnosed with autism spoiled that narrative so she just ignored it.

I'm older and my DC grown up now but I still remember how some women started cultivating me as a friend, as it transpired ultimately with the aim of palming their kids off on me for free childcare in the school holidays.

I'm a very trusting person, too trusting really, it took me a long time to realise some people are just Takers in life. Not that I'm much better at spotting them coming these days, but I realise quicker. I wouldn't be surprised if she stops being so friendly once you say no and stop being her free childcare, in which case you'll soon learn if she's only there for what favours she can get from you.

@BusyMummy001

That's terrible but sadly all too bloody common.

It's horrible to feel so used, but it just reflects so well on you that you're a decent human being, and so badly on her that she would take advantage of your nature.. and then (as all users do) rather than show gratitude, actually EXPECTS it.

@Findingthisweekhard op... any news? 😯

Good message to send her OP. Hopefully
you get a good response.

Good for you op. Your message is very reasonable and it's up to her now how she wants to react, and if she reacts badly it's no reflection on you.

I can’t believe you paid for your kids to go to childcare to give you a day off and ended up minding her kid!! Speechless

There are 2 issues - you’d probably be ok picking her kid up from school sometimes if she wasn’t taking the piss on other areas.

I would text her to say:

X, I’ve been thinking back on it and asking me to childmind your baby on my day off really upset me. I told you I had plans and your messages made me feel like I had no choice. You have decided to work full-time and you really need to sort out formal childcare for when you go to the office. I cannot be your formal childcare solution, although as a friend I would of course help out in an emergency, as I am sure you would for me.

👏 👏👏 @Findingthisweekhard

Oh just saw your message, that’s perfect! I suspect that as with many CFs she feels entitled to use you and will throw her toys out of the pram… or she will withdraw and find another person to target with her cheeky fuckery :( Sorry that you’ve had to put up with this, what’s wrong with people!

I can’t believe her cheek!

Well done for messaging!

if I had my twins in childcare there’s no way I’d be looking after someone else’s kid unless it was an emergency. Not bothering to stump up for nursery is not an emergency!

Agree! But I'm also massively guilty of this. Why do we find it so hard?😕