Postponing school start date for child who isn’t school ready

[rockstarjuice]

(Not summer born) AIBU to do this and how do I go about it? Really not ready for school at all: have been trying to convince myself they are but they really aren’t.

She will also consult with the child's GP, nursery and/or school, which I think is the crucial element here.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your child.

Or children that are incontinent under aged 7.

Remember, your child is likely to be a lockdown baby, they have had some huge challenges that most have never needed to entertain.

You are doing the best that you can.

Just don't think school system is a good stress on a little person.

So what exactly are we paying for then?

Hi! My child had 'toddler diarrhea' and potty training was a nightmare. They weren't clean by school start age but we were fortunately home educating anyway. I was very concerned that other kids would notice if they smelt. I can't advise you on the school start issue but we found the health visitor nice but useless. Pushing for a referral from the GP is a better bet and is more likely to help you figure out triggers and solutions.
Just so you know, I know plenty of children who have been home educated and started school part way through primary and they have been fine. If you are a teacher, then you know not to neglect his learning at home and so he will slot in.
I understand your frustration. I got so, so sick with the (well meant) suggestions. I could have screamed every time someone mentioned juice. My child did outgrow it eventually and is fine.

If it helps here are the things I did

Rucksack at school - taken on the first day with 15 x trousers and pants in it. As I got them back I counted and replaced that many the next week.

Meeting with teachers before hand, discuss and align methods both sides

Child to have a coloured card in their pocket they can show if they need help due to an accident rather than having to speak about it in front of peers

Seek whatever help/support you can, sometimes it does help to start a thread seperate listing everything you currently do - and then results, take on board and try any suggestions and tick them off. Sometimes you do get ones you haven't already done

Applies whether you start Sept or Jan :)

I can totally understand why you feel this way, as a teacher you know that other teachers/TAs would gossip about your child and probably you. As a nursery nurse I know this happens all the time, as much as parents would like to think it doesn't.

Yes, that was my experience too. Unfortunately. But I guess understandably!

My son has Sn and started MS school in Nappies .. it's all possible but takes planning

I think I'm right in thinking if you delay til they are 5 you have to take what's on offer now your choice . Might need to check that .

No, if start is during the same academic year the original place offered is held. Schools may or may not be supportive though.

@LIZS that's good then but I wanted my son to start with his year group as friendships are set in reception .

If you have Sen concerns he can go on Sen register without a diagnosis if school feels needed. My ds has asd he didn't toilet train until 7. He wore pull ups to school.

Speak to hv or gp if concerned

So put him In pull ups it's really not the end of the world

And if you think he's capable of it I'm
Sure by the time he's been at school a few weeks he will start using the toilet - if you think he can but lazy

@Blondeshavemorefun … you have read the above as you’ve quoted it yet somehow seem to have missed the point, completely.

There's a few options to suit what you think you needed – individual private consults with tailor made plans and support, more standard courses etc. The website sets out the various options.

You can by all means ask, but you probably won't get.

Really, the only leeway schools consider is whether a child is summer born (a December born would count as one of the oldest in the year) and if they have diagnosed SEN.
TBH, it's only mid-May. A lot can change in 4 months.

But if you're literally trying your hardest to get the toilet training done, and it really isn't happening, you need to be seeing a doctor - to create a paper trail of "additional needs" as much as anything.

I really understand how you feel even though my son is younger, we have been having similar struggles and are under pressure to have him ready for pre school and after school club in September (he can’t do after school if not accident free) and I’m coming to the conclusion he won’t be ready unless some sort of miracle occurs, and I very much believe he will only use the toilet when he’s ready (there is more going on and we’re investigating that)

I am trying not to look ahead to next Sep yet but do worry about whether he’ll be starting school not fully toilet trained too. However I have spoken to some other friends whose children did start reception in pull ups and I have to say, the impact didn’t seem as much as you might fear in terms of other children noticing at that age and it’s more common than I realised - and there’s usually an underlying reason. But I think you said there may be older children in his class so it could be different. The idea of unkind things being said behind the scenes is awful!

I have also found ERIC really valuable and I’m sure I’ll be using them again in future. The helpline is hard to access in terms of limited time but if you can find a slot to wait on hold or better still send an online enquiry you should be able to get through - I managed it last week but know it’s tricky when you work. But it is worth the effort.

I really feel for you and know how stressful it is!

Of course you hate Oh Crap, because then you’d have to take some responsibility and realise your failing in all of this.

Instead it’s easier for you to hide behind “he’s not ready so it’s not my fault” than “I fucked up and waited too long”.

Wow, I am a teacher, and with what you've said about teachers reactions I'm glad I don't work at the schools/with the people you know who've said these things.
I've worked with numerous kids starting school who aren't potty trained for a variety of reasons and not once have I or my colleagues made rude remarks or discussed them negatively.

Honestly I worry about where you teach as you seem to know nothing about the rules surrounding postponing or want to go further with exploring why your child is struggling. See a Dr, if the HV is unhelpful take it further.

I did read then quoted

You don't seem to want to speak to the school and even if do defer to Jan when 5, then what is not pt

I think when kids miss the first term and making friends and starting to do letters and reading etx is a lot to miss so I wouldn't defer

You say you think he is capable and maybe lazy

Rather than hasn't got the hormone to help be pt

As I said previously I've known kids in pull ups in r but only as parent told me

He wasn't teased

Hi OP - this is really common with the current cohort. My nursery held a meeting with all the 2019/2020 births. There were 3 or 4 kids who left DS's nursery still just ignoring toileting urges and ending up wet 4-5 times a day. I know this as I am friends with 2 of their mums. Birthdays in November and March.

The November boy had stopped by the first half term, perhaps because of the faff of having to constantly change. The March birthday boy is still doing it unfortunately (to the point of mum needing a Sheewee in her bag) but the school is being helpful as they can see that his mum is engaging with them. And there are other issues with attention. However he can read and write which he wouldn't be able to do if deferred and I think she's glad she started him in September.

I’m sorry this is incredibly harsh & it’s inaccurate too. We tried potty training multiple times starting from when DD was under 2 & she just wasn’t getting it. It was so frustrating but we were advised to wait & try again. I hate the Oh Crap book & there are lots of reviews from parents that feel similarly because it is far too simplistic. Some children get the knack of potty training earlier than others & this can be due to a whole range of issues including SEN. Plying your child with juice & letting them spend all week naked from the waist down doesn’t work for everyone!

See it’s those sort of attitudes we’d be confronted with - that I haven’t taken responsibility and that I can’t be bothered, which isn’t true but it isn’t really important for the purpose of this thread. So yes, I will obviously seek to shield from that as much as I can.

DS hates juice anyway 😂

We had a similar issue with our daughter. She was having up to 15 accidents (some full bladder emptying) both pee and poo every day. "Potty training" was proving sooo difficult for her (her sibling wphad no issue with that whatsoever).
In the end, what helped in P1 (scotland, so aged 5) was a special watch which vibrated at set times (found on amazon or the eric shop). We set it to every 45min and ever single time it vibrated, she had to try for a pee/poo. It helped keep any accidents to a minimum. She was also wearing padded pants which look just like normal ones to help with the remaining accidents. The teachers were great in helping her access the toilets and making sure she didn't forget. It obviously heavily relied on her actually going to the loo and trying. We were told (Eric and continence clinic) to even try to go to every 30min if needed, but found 45min was OK.
She eventually was able better recognise the signals from her body and we didn't need the watch reminders just after she turned 6. There were still accidents, but manageable.

No idea if this might work for your son, but hopefully gives you an idea that you're not alone and there might be way to manage the issue in school until he is properly ready.

Your gp should also be able to refer he him to a local continence clinic (I had no idea they existed!). If you are referred, I d recommend keeping a diary (1-2 weeks) of all pees and poos (accidents or not), how much he drinks (properly measured mls) and possibly try and measure the amount he can pee in one "sitting" (so see if he would pee in a cup a few times instead of the toilet when you take him for a try). These are the things they usually ask you about and if you can provide answers at the 1st appointment, that'll really speed things up.

OP, I have no advice, but I just wanted to say I feel your frustration, and I completely understand your reasons for wanting to defer.
FWIW, I think you're doing all you can reasonably be expected to do! Coming on here and asking for help and advice takes a lot of courage, and I hope you find the advice you are looking for, and the support you need.
I don't think people understand just how impossible it can be to toilet train some children. The general attitude seems to be if you do A, B, and then C, voila, your child will be trained sufficiently to be reliable at toileting when at school.
It doesn't always work like that.
Take a breath, know that you're doing all you can, and believe that this too will pass.
When, no one knows! However, it will pass and in the meantime, you're doing a great job!
Keep going mama, you've got this!

Don’t assume school would help with pull ups. Our school wouldn’t clean up my soiled child, they said they weren’t allowed and either he had to or they would phone us every day to come and do it. Which is what they did when he was caked in it.