Postponing school start date for child who isn’t school ready

[rockstarjuice]

(Not summer born) AIBU to do this and how do I go about it? Really not ready for school at all: have been trying to convince myself they are but they really aren’t.

Sorry, I don't think this is quite right – certainly not for a great many 4yr olds.

My twins are now 6 and completely neurotypical. They could not operate a zip (other than to pull it up once it has been slotted together) at 4yrs old and could not do buttons – other than perhaps large, loose chunky ones. Even now at 6 they still need help with fiddly bits of clothing. If they had a very messy poo in their underwear at 4yrs old they would have definitely required help to clean it up properly – and definitely still would now! If you're talking a soft poo smeared all over their backside and private parts, rather than just a bit of messy cheeks, which OP is. My kids will give it an honest effort, but they are still little.

They are completely normal kids and their skills matched (and still match) a good majority of their class mates.

You are not describing a typical 4yr old's capabilities.

No you don't need to deregister you start at CSA in January.

People are so brainwashed in this country is a better for a child to start school at 5 than 4. It's even better if they are 6 or 7. Starting school very young has no educational benefits.

You hit the nail on the head ‘they were kind enough to appear that way to me’.

A child who doesn't have an interest in toilet training would likely not have these feelings about nappies though. Children who are largely toilet trained feel a pride in themselves at being 'a big kid' because that's the praise their parents give them for doing it. If OP's son has not or cannot make these emotional connections then he isn't going to have that connection to a nappy.

The teacher needs to get a grip if a four year soiling himself drove her to tears. The op can send him or she can choose to delay it's entirely her choice.

My 4 year old can do zips and small shirt buttons. She had to be taught and encouraged to practise, but can now do them easily.

Op, if its very messy when he is soiling it sounds like something not right digestively. By this age a poo should be rather solid. 3 poos in a day is actually quite a lot - does he go a lot every day?

Is it possible he has impacted constipation and has lost sensation? This can result in:

• stool leakage round a blockage - can appear messy
• reduced ability to feel when they need to wee

Get him checked for this asap, as its very common and can be resolved with few months on a movicol regime & some good habits.

While I agree with this, it still has the effect of setting them apart from their peers at a very young age – and that in itself can be detrimental socially and educationally.

Ps - you are not relaying delaying his start

Your choices are:

Start him at statutory age (5) having missed the first term
Imho an awful idea

Opt to home school him, beyond which if you want to send him to school later on, he'll start with his peer group, not in reception

Well yes but if you just sent your kid in year 2 or 3 and hadn't done any phonics, maths, reading or writing with them they would be extremely lost. It would take a whole education system overhaul to make that happen but unfortunately we have to work with the system we have.

It's not unheard of in Secondary. You'd be surprised how much support staff deal with that doesn't even cross the mind of teaching staff - there are reasons why there's a full stash of new underwear and socks in many support cupboards and washing machines/tumble dryers on constantly somewhere around food tech/PE beyond ensuring there are clean tea towels. And the reason you don't know? Because they're not gossiping about it.

On one hand, you're saying there are clearly needs and that nobody's ever said anything to you, but on the other you're deliberately choosing to keep him away from the possibility that he could have needs that professionals experienced with his age group can identify and refer for assessment.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a 4yo to do a zip, I think most can before reception. It takes work to teach them but it's so much easier for them if they can do things like get completely dressed, do their coat up, open packets in their lunch etc.

Nursery teacher and sendco here.
He can stay at nursery until 5. He doesn't have to start school until the term after. Please don't give up your job. You'll even still get you free 15 hours.
Yes it's not ideal as he'll miss the first terms worth of phonics but maybe this is something you can cover at home.
I have 3 kids deferring this year for a range of reasons. Only one isn't toilet trained and he really has no clue. Doesn't even tell us he's done it. It can be really hard to figure if it's SEN or not at this stage especially if they have only been in nursery since September.
I get where you're coming from, I really do. Take a break and try again in the summer holidays with no pressure as you don't have that looming deadline of school in September.

try having a poo and sitting in it @Pin0cchio

they get everywhere

and yeah he doesn’t care at all about being wet or dirty

Phonics isn't necessary, I taught my children to read using the look and say method. But yes you do have to do some education at home if you send your child to school later. It doesn't need to be formal work though.
It's a shame more parents for many reasons mostly financial are not able to stay at home with their children until they are that little bit older.
An overhaul of the education system, with a fully play based, primarily forest school style education until at least year two would be ideal.

Me neither, I thought that’s what all kids get taught before school. I had a readiness meeting with dds nursery teachers to go through what she still needed to learn to be ready for starting school and those things were on the list, and they’ve been working with her to be able to do them this year and she now can. I would have thought all nurseries would do that.

I don’t think it’s strange that some 4yr old can do up zips and buttons. I do think it’s unreasonable to use being able to do zips and buttons as a marker for a 4yr old being delayed – which is why that skill was brought up in the first place on this thread.

The ability to operate zips and buttons independently has no place in deducing if a 4yr old has concerning delays.

No one said it’s not easier and advantageous if a 4yr old can do these things, but that is very different from expecting that the majority of 4yr olds can, and it doesn’t have anything to do with the topic of the thread.

Sorry but both my DDs could do up a zip before 4.5, and I'm not saying they're geniuses, it's one of the things on the milestones checklist in nursery year so most children should be expected to be able to do this by the time they start reception

It’s absolutely not the case that all nurseries do this. Some do, others don’t.

I don’t know why we’re all arguing about zips. Tbh I sometimes fumble especially if they get caught in the material of your coat 😆

Just because your 4.5yr olds could operate a zip that doesn’t mean all or the majority can. And no, this isn’t on a standardised nursery milestone checklist. It certainly isn’t used as a determiner of delayed development.

At some point he’ll presumably get it: he won’t be completing A levels in pull ups after all.

Yes if he is NT and has no physical issues such as loss of sensation. But as neither of those things can be ascertained because you haven't investigated them, then he could end up an incontinent adult.

I've not read the entire 10 pages. But my ds is in reception, fully toilet trained - BUT - I've recently filled out forms so they can help change him after accidents (usually theu just get his bag and give him a cuddle), because he has severe chronic tonsillitis, and the antibiotics give him loose stools (once per day or less for 10 days, every other week or so for 8 months of the year), so he doesn't always make it on time. He is NT and physically able, but we're stuck until his tonsillectomy. Just to say, schools will take children who have care needs and no diagnosis.

He won’t be. He can control his wee and if he has any SEN it’s very borderline.

There is absolutely nothing to be gained by getting him ‘investigated.’

And presumably your google isn't working. Or is it defaulting to the crying laughing emoji (bizarre use of it throughout your posts)