Please define “Partner” for me

[Chatonette]

When I hear someone mention their “partner”, my brain thinks living together as married basically, but without the ceremony—renting/mortgage together, possible children, etc. Sometimes I see posts on MN about “my partner did X….” Then it transpires that they don’t live together and they’ve known each other for a few months.

My understanding of “partner” is clearly off-kilter. Can someone please give me a definition?

I don’t live with my partner but we have been together many years. I call him partner as I feel awkward using boyfriend, especially if I am talking to colleagues or people I do not know all that well personally or intimately. If I am talking to someone I know well I will just refer to him by his actual name. Partner is just a term I would use in a more formal setting - a dinner party, a chit chat with a colleague, it’s just a simple descriptor of who that person is in a context. It doesn’t matter to anyone else if we live together or not it’s no one else’s business. I may say to a colleague in response to what did you do this weekend ‘we went to the seaside’ and they asked ‘who with’ I would reply ‘my partner’. I am over 40 so boyfriend feels childish and far too informal when we have been together for years and he’s not a boy he’s a fully grown man. I also wouldn’t say ‘my fella’ or ‘my other half’ as I don’t like those.

I don’t tend to talk about him to other people that much so it is only Mumsnet it’s a massive issue 😂

Why is living together important?

So what is it about the living together that makes such a difference?

What should I call my partner of over 30 years who I don't co-habit with but with whom I have legal arrangements set up concerning matters such as wills and inheritance?

I use the word chap 🤷🏽‍♀️

That's my ageing skin. :)

@TheIceQween I like that, not used enough!

So what is it about the living together that makes such a difference?

I don't think it makes a difference to anything except the word used to describe the relationship. Living together has just always been part off the definition of a partner to me and, as far as I'm aware, most of the people around me.

Ok so then the relationship between someone who is committed to their ( partner) in every way. Stuck together through thick and thin. Support each other through medical needs and other stuff put down as next of kin etc are classed as the same as a 17 year old boyfriend/ girlfriend pair simply as they don't live in the same house. Hmmm....

To me that is a gender-neutral term for someone you're in a committed relationship with, but not married to. It's pretty straightforward. It's also a helpful term to use if someone doesn't want to disclose e.g. at work if they are heterosexual or gay, which people have the right to keep private.

The UK has civil partnership available for both heterosexual and same-sex couples, so civil partners would also be simply "partners" in common parlance as they cannot be called spouses under law, although in terms of legal commitment the relationship is pretty much equivalent to marriage.

I'm not sure why this word would be a problem for anyone, unless we're playing some sort of relationship competition where married people are the winners, or something.

I’ve seen a thread today where someone refers to her partner, they live together, they have a baby together but one poster said he’s not a partner because they’ve only been together 18 months 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s a vague term

I say partner because IMO boyfriend sounds cringe from anyone over the age of 20. it's not a boy... it's a man!

i use partner for my husband. It feels more serious and modern to me. Husband makes me feel middle aged, middle class and a bit lame.

I’m 60 and stopped using boyfriend years ago
To me a partner is someone you are exclusive with and committed to - whether that be after 2 months, 2 years or 20 years

Lots of grown ups use it to mean boyfriend or girlfriend op. They don't have to live together.

@ICantThinkofAnythingClever "I'm not sure why this word would be a problem for anyone, unless we're playing some sort of relationship competition where married people are the winners, or something."

Surely not! 😉

I’ve seen a thread today where someone refers to her partner, they live together, they have a baby together but one poster said he’s not a partner because they’ve only been together 18 months 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s a vague term

By the same token, a woman could be pregnant after a week of dating married to a man for ten months with a child and the 'husband' could be so committed he's already spending most nights out with his mates, leaving all the domestic labour to her, banging something younger, tighter and with bigger tits while demanding she pay all baby related costs.

Many partnered and marriage-free relationships would be more genuine and committed.

But yeah, she's the winner because she's married.

Bizarre. You are middle-aged, middle-class and married. Is that something to be ashamed of? You can’t call your dh “my husband” because you’re afraid of not being “with it”? Better knock 20 years off your age and call him your boyfriend, then.

If dh were referring to me as his “partner” in order to look modern I’d think he was having a severe mid-life crisis…

To me it's someone you've agreed to undertake some kind(s) of activity with over some period of time.

So you might have a tennis partner or a dancing partner, or a bridge partner or a business partner. Or a partner you generally work with on a certain project or type of project.

So, in terms of personal life, I'd understand that you've agreed to do things together for the foreseeable future, which could mean a meal together once a month or living and bringing up children together. Or something in between.

I consider my fiance to be my partner. We don't live together simply because we're not in a position to be able to buy a house together yet due to dependents. We've been together for over a decade and have fully supported each other through difficult times and enjoyed many celebrations together also.
We are partners.

Thanks for your advice, but i think i’ll just stick with calling him my partner. He doesn’t mind (unlike you!)