Please define “Partner” for me

[Chatonette]

When I hear someone mention their “partner”, my brain thinks living together as married basically, but without the ceremony—renting/mortgage together, possible children, etc. Sometimes I see posts on MN about “my partner did X….” Then it transpires that they don’t live together and they’ve known each other for a few months.

My understanding of “partner” is clearly off-kilter. Can someone please give me a definition?

Date = gone out a few times.
Boyfriend / Girlfriend = serious enough to be monogamous (but tbh I was when dating)
Partner = moved in together

The point at which you have sex is another scale entirely though as some people aren't fussy about wanting to know surnames.

Partner is a term that makes me cringe. Obviously each to their own but I'd never use it and wince in my head when I hear it.

I would say someone in a long term commited relationship not necessarily married or living together
My sister and her partner have been together about four years both are in their fifties both have their own home both have grown up kids
They do intend to.live together at some point but i think it suits them the way it is at the moment ,I think they spend about four nights a week together and they go away quite a bit together
So they are not really boyfriend and girlfriend .

The thread about the “still married” to another woman partner of “four months” also left me very confused about the concept 😂

So what would you use?

I agree with this, it's my personal preference, but partner is never a term I'd use for a relationship! Business yes, with someone, no.
Significant other is acceptable for boyfriend/girlfriend. Husband/wife if you're married. That's how I term it 🤷🏼‍♀️

I absolutely hate the phrase regardless of the definition .

So what would you call a 60 year old couple that have been together and lived together for 30 years but aren't married or engaged? Boyfriend and girlfriend? They are neither friends nor boys or girls.

Significant other just sounds cheesy.

@badatdecisions I'd say companion!

Other half.

I call my partner that because "my boyfriend" just doesn't sound like me! I've never used it! We are life partners and will probably get a civil partnership one day.

It makes me cringe too.

@maxelly

Or alternatively, using the same neutral term for a casual/short term internet based romance as for a longer term committed relationship, blurring the boundaries between a "bad", "dirty" short term hook-up and a "good", "proper" settled relationship leading to marriage and children, could destigmatise the former and ensure young people don't feel ashamed of exploring themselves and their sexuality etc by having several shorter terms relationships in their teens and twenties which I think is actually preferable in a lot of cases despite the MN pearl clutching about anyone who enjoys casual sex/sex outside a traditional home ownership and children set up...

Exactly this.

There’s something unpleasantly prurient about the policing of other people’s relationship status according to how much it resembles that of your parents.

Many long term partnerships begin as dirty hook-ups. You don’t have to talk about marriage on the first date of fast track to cohabitation for your relationship to be real or legitimate.

Partner implies sharing lives equally. Most likely living together, but there are sensible reasons why that's not always the practical way, especially in more mature couples.
Commitment together, long term future, sharing resources.

When you get posts from people about their "partner" who's an oxygen thief and it turns out that they're barely even past fuck buddies and into courting, it does matter if they're using language to give a shitty, very short relationship more value than it's worth. LTB is much simpler if it's 2 months into a casual relationship than if you actually are in a partnership with shared commitments.

I use partner because I feel silly, at the age of 55, referring to my other half/lover/beau as a boyfriend.

In fact, for the first year or two I referred to him as 'my... erm...friend'.

Honestly, part of my brain is still adjusting to straight people using this term in a romantic sense. In the 1990s and 2000s, I - American, age 37 - only ever heard it being used by same-sex couples who lived together in a committed relationship but were legally unable to marry each other. For a while, there was the trope of people misunderstanding what kind of partner someone meant - “what business are you two in?” Opposite-sex couples who lived together and weren’t married were “live-in boyfriend” and “live-in girlfriend.” I think the first opposite-sex couple I ever heard it applied to was Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

In modern usage, I think of someone’s partner as being their lover they live with and aren’t married to.

This is Paul, my LOP - works!
This is Paul, my LIP - not as good (live in lovvveeeerrrr is LIL however which is not bad ;) )

To add a total curve ball, my partner and I (hetro) had a civil partnership instead of marriage (suited our values more) so we are legally bound but he's not my husband! This is very confusing for most people hahah

People who don't like partner-what do you suggest a 60 year old couple with adult children, shared finances and a 40 year relationship should call each other?

I'm glad I'm not alone. In the late 80's I got talking to a woman at a party who apologised for being a bit quiet but her partner had died a month ago. I assumed she had been in a same sex relationship because at that time the word "partner" really did signify that. Turns out her deceased partner was a man. That was the first time I ever heard it applied to opposite sex couples.

Husband & wife? If I was with someone 40 years I’d consider them my husband regardless of whether had the paperwork.

Agree with others saying it makes them think back to it being a term only gay couples used, business partner and when working in pairs at school.

I use 'partner' or 'other half' because we aren't married, we've been living together for nearly 30-odd years. Used to use 'boyfriend' but after a couple of years living together (plus I was over 40) it just felt too flippant. I'm 68 now so not going to call him anything other than a partner!

You can't really use a term wrongly if there's no agreed or fixed definition of it in the first place, which there isn't. I don't think it's necessarily true that there are lots of people using 'partner' in order to validate a relatively short relationship. I suspect that for many people, 'partner' simply genuinely means boyfriend or girlfriend regardless of length of relationship.

I agree that the OP sounds a bit goady, like most of the 'Sorry to be so silly, but please help me to understand why people do/say x' threads.

I'm a whole on my own (some would argue more than 😂)

Yes I used to do that. Then we got a civil partnership and so he's still my partner.