To feel like I have to pay this off for DD’s sake? How can I do it?

[Hyre]

This situation is making me feel unwell. I have 200k left on a mortgage. I’m 36. If I don’t pay this off by the time DD is at school (ie by the time I’m 40) I feel like she is going to be at such a huge huge disadvantage in life as I am a single parent with cms that as everyone knows is unpredictable. This is causing me a lot of stress. I try and overpay but sacrifice my own eating to do this.

i don’t feel like she will have the same opportunity as a child in a two parent household otherwise. How can I achieve this? I feel constantly stressed

this is absurd and makes no sense. Why?

May I suggest that your anxiety is the problem, not the mortgage, if this is making you unwell. You are setting yourself an impossible goal its seems, and then getting in a state about not being able to achieve it. This is not a rational thing to do.

Lots of single parents have mortgages and unreliable incomes, and still have happy lives. And while this kind of debt feels huge it is spread over a long time for this reason. As long as you pay regularly when you can, the bank will be reasonable if you get into difficulties - they don't want to manage repossessions, they want you to stay there and continue to pay when you can. Most people don't pay off their mortgage until later in life middle age or near retirement, and as house prices increase, mortgage periods are getting longer and longer.

You need to take a deep breath and think about this in a more constructive way. You are in many ways very lucky. You are not renting and having to deal with being given huge rent increases or being evicted every 6 months. You have a stable home, and a way of paying for it right now. You have a debt that lots of people manage on their own - single people, single parents, widows and widowers. Banks are in many ways more accommodating of difficulties than landlords. You have your lovely daughter.

Your daughter would much rather have a happy mum-please don't teach her that she is the cause for anxiety and financial worries. Kids pick all this up even if you try to hide it.

There will always be people better off than you. Please don't compare yourself to other people, comparison is called 'the thief of joy' for a good reason.

Please don't worry about a future that you can't predict and can't change. That will only make you both unhappy.

And if you can't let some of this anxiety go then you maybe need to recognise that this might be a symptom, not a rational worry, and see a doctor or a therapist.

I hope you feel better about this soon.

I'm 38 years old, live by myself and rent in an expensive area. I don't have a second income either, and no prospect of buying a house with a mortgage let alone becoming mortgage free. Definitely not within the next year and a bit! Loads of people are in a much more precarious financial position than it sounds like you are, don't fixate on something you can't realistically change.

If you have enough to have a 200K mortgage, you likely have a higher income than many two-parent families. I understand the pressure of being the sole earner, but I think you are putting far too much pressure on yourself.

Many people who can't get a mortgage in the first place, and who rent forever, still manage to give their children wonderful upbringings.

Your daughter will be fine, and you will be fine, but you need to think long-term. You'd have to pay rent if you weren't in a mortgaged home, so try and think about it relative to that - you're already doing well for her by not having to move around the whole time, and giving her stability in that way. And if you end up having to move or downsize to make it more manageable in the future, that will also be fine. Your support for her is the most important thing!

You want to pay it off by the time your child starts school in four years. So, she's 1 at most. Is this postnatal depression talking?

If you're this worried and this is real please get some protection in place - income protection, critical illness cover and life cover. Some ASU if you specifically want unemployment cover. Spend your money on that and food for yourself (bit weird you're so worried about setting your daughter up in life but you'd like to starve to achieve this - you being unhealthy is way worse than having a mortgage to pay off)

OP get help with your anxiety. You won’t enjoy this precious time while your daughter is little if you’re constantly sick with worry.

You must be in a decent financial position to have been able to get your mortgage. If you can comfortably pay/overpay each month then that’s great. Put some savings away for the future and make sure you have good life insurance.

I don't know a single person who paid off their mortgage by 40!

DH and I are mid 50s and only paid ours off last year.

It's quite an unrealistic expectation to have and pure daft to deprive yourself of food to attain it. You will ruin your health by not looking after yourself, this will affect your child far more than having a mum with a mortgage.

Crickey we did not pay off our mortgage until we were in our mid 50s. If you can overpay, wonderful, but please don’t scrimp on food for yourself. You need to be healthy to take care of your child, and for your own well being. And I would also suggest as others have to see a therapist for anxiety disorder. Excess anxiety can lead to misery (and I have personal experience with this). Sending you every good wish.

I know lots of people with children, couples and lone parents both, with mortgages. And lone parents who rent. All the children are quite a bit older than yours.
It's unusual to be mortgage-free by 40, single or otherwise. Get some insurance for peace of mind. Feed yourself properly so you can take care of and be fun for your DD and so you can enjoy her.
You are doing fine, I'm sure.

Your daughter will probably be more disadvantaged by the health problems you're likely to cause yourself by not eating properly.
I'm not able to eat a full diet, and I had 2 pregnancies close together, so not the same but it meant in the space of 3 years I went from having an excess of everything I needed, to being so anaemic I can barely function.
Dizziness, chest pain, weakness, extreme fatigue, racing heart rate. I feel crap, and it's getting in the way of life now, the jabs, and 200mg tablets each day are not enough to really help.

Don't fuck up your health with this. Maybe overpay by what is comfortable, whilst ensuring you are feeding yourself properly. It's scary for children to see their parents unwell, and given how bad you can feel when vitamin deficient you may well find yourself too ill to work for a period of time (my dizziness is so bad I can't drive at the moment) you may well find yourself upsetting the stability you can offer your DD by making yourself ill.

The best way to give your daughter the security she needs is by taking care of both of you. That includes you both eating well!

I am really failing to understand what having a mortgage means in terms of your daughter’s security? If you think you can pay 50k a year towards it then surely you must be earning a decent amount, a lot of dual income families don’t earn that. A lot of two parent families only have one income. Stop comparing yourself to other people, you don’t know their situations and you’re going to make yourself sick in the process. Realistically how much is you not eating going to contribute towards the mortgage? Unless you’d usually eat £100’s worth of food every month I don’t understand how you not eating will even make a significant dent in the mortgage repayments?

It comes across as disordered thinking as it's really not rational at all; possibly, as pp said, due to postnatal depression/anxiety.

As others have said, keep a good pot of savings as a cushion. That's of much better use than an extra chunk of your mortgage paid off.

Get yourself some help @Hyre - things will look better once you've sorted things out inside your head.

You're not being rational.

You need help with your mental health. You aren't the only single parent out there and most people whether they have one income or two simply can't afford to pay their mortgage off in 4 years. Unless you have a serious health condition I don't see why you have given yourself a 4 year deadline. Your child is a toddler, you've got time. Fixating on being a single parent and letting your child down isn't healthy .Neither is foregoing food to get it paid off. Your mortgage is higher than ours and we are a 2 parent family that suggests to me that inorder to get the mortgage in the first place you earn a very good wage. Gets some help, health wise and financial.

Thank you. I do suffer from anxiety and it could very well be that. I feel awful DD only really has me and that if I don’t keep things going for her it all falls apart.

There is literally no reason for you to have to have your mortgage paid off by the time you are 40 - with the greatest of respect, that's not rational in the slightest. I'm 45 and I have 8 years left on my mortgage because its affordable. If I could pay it off then I might but I have other things to prioritise, like eating. There's no bonus to paying it off early and in fact you might be penalised for doing so depending on the terms of your mortgage.

I wondered if CMS was some disease acronym - but it's simply child maintenance?

Edit...this is why I thought it was a disease'

I am a single parent with cms that as everyone knows is unpredictable. This is causing me a lot of stress.

I had zero child maintenance after divorce {self employed husband} and had a mortgage - it's absolutely crazy to be wanting to pay a mortgage off by 40...most people will be paying a mortgage well into their sixties and beyond.

I don't understand what the relevance is of her being school age? What will happen when she starts school that means your mortgage must be paid off? You do realise that the kids in her class will be from all different backgrounds. There will be children in single parent families. Children in rented accommodation. Children in mortgaged homes. Children with two parents but single income. All sorts of things.

Gently OP I think you are looking at this in a very strange way, and causing yourself a great deal of entirely unnecessary stress in the process

Of course you don't need to pay off your mortgage by the time she goes to school, most people will have a mortgage or rent. She'll in no way be disadvantaged as long as your monthly payments are manageable

And yes, it is easier with two incomes but as a single person you just need to be in a position where if you lose your income you can carry on paying your bills while you sort yourself out with a new job etc

What you need to do is get a really good contingency plan in place - life insurance, critical illness insurance etc and build up your savings.

Of course overpaying the mortgage is great but not when it comes at the cost of you missing meals and spending your life in a spiral about it.

You are being totally unreasonable to worry about this affecting your daughter’s future, especially to the point of going without food to overpay. Many people in two parent households have mortgages of that size or much greater. Many people in single parent households have that level of mortgage or more. It’s meant to be a long term debt, because it’s not affordable to own a house with no mortgage for the majority- it’s not designed to be paid off before you’re 40! Start listening to what people here are saying and stop worrying because it’s not going to achieve anything other than making you stressed and ill (thereby doing much more damage to your daughter than not paying off your mortgage would do).

They may have 2 incomes but paying off your mortgage in 4 years doesn't mean you're then on the same playing field. You're putting too much pressure on yourself. Some people on two incomes won't have as much money as you if you think you can realistically pay off your mortgage in 4 years. Some people even though there are 2 of them cannot afford to buy at all, ever. So I think you're worrying unnecessarily

At 38 I was just taking out my 30 year mortgage as an FTB 😬

There are millions of single parents with mortgages and no nearby family to help- Just get life insurance so if anything happens, your mortgage is paid off..and write a will.