To feel like I have to pay this off for DD’s sake? How can I do it?

[Hyre]

This situation is making me feel unwell. I have 200k left on a mortgage. I’m 36. If I don’t pay this off by the time DD is at school (ie by the time I’m 40) I feel like she is going to be at such a huge huge disadvantage in life as I am a single parent with cms that as everyone knows is unpredictable. This is causing me a lot of stress. I try and overpay but sacrifice my own eating to do this.

i don’t feel like she will have the same opportunity as a child in a two parent household otherwise. How can I achieve this? I feel constantly stressed

OP, I don’t understand your logic at all. You are 36 and have another 30 years of working life to pay this off. You are currently at the most expensive time of your life as, working, you will have considerable childcare costs. These will lessen when your child starts school and dwindle to nothing in 10 years or so. In another 10 years your child will be an adult and you will still have another 15 years of child free working life to get any outstanding mortgage paid off!

@NewPinkJacket i have a toddler I can’t constantly be on my phone!

Isn't there some sort of insurance you can take out to cover a job loss?

@CecilyP yes but in the meantime she relies on me to have a safe home and it’s not as safe as two incomes. I feel I am letting her down

@DanielGault yes I have looked at this but they usually cover a very short time like a year or two

@CorylusAgain yes that could be right. I feel so much pressure everyday and have no support. Not practically anyway. Lots of friends but obviously they’re not there to support me financially.

Kindly, I think you're being irrational and might benefit from support if this is the level of anxiety you are feeling.

@Ginmonkeyagain yes but that’s less precarious than one person paying it isn’t it? If there were two of us with two incomes I would feel less worried

This is a serious question OP.

How much difference is 'sacrificing your eating' going to realistically make to a monthly mortgage payment?

I mean spending an extra £20 a week on food for example, isn't going to touch a 200k debt, no matter how quickly you want to get it paid.

If paying off £200k in 4 years is a serious option (albeit with sacrifices) it would make far more sense to pay it over 8/10 years and have a good quality of life.

Well maybe take it out for a year to give yourself some comfort? Although it probably costs a bit. You really need to get a handle on your anxiety re mortgage. Do you have any idea where that stems from? Lots of people rent for decades for example. You really need to make sure you eat properly. That's a basic need.

How are you proposing you pay £200,000 off in 4 years? Side hustle as a hitman maybe?

Is financial stability important? Yes.

Is it more important than emotional stability, and having a supportive, loving home? NO.

I’m over-simplifying, of course, but providing your daughter with a stable, loving home doesn’t just mean being mortgage-free by 40. (Some people live in rented accommodation their whole lives - would you say they’re letting their children down!?)

You're not failing her by being a single parent. Instead of obsessing over mortgage payments, focus on showing your daughter the strength that comes from being financially independent and not having to rely on another adult to survive, which would leave you very vulnerable and at more risk of emotional and financial abuse.

If later down the line you are tempted to live with a potential partner, think very very hard before moving them in, even if having 2 incomes in the house seems more advantageous for your child. It isn’t always. Gently, you need to change this mindset or you might become tempted in the future to sacrifice your emotional stability, or even your health, just for the sake of having more money coming in.

If you’re not on the breadline, and your job is in a fairly safe industry, you’re fine OP. Really!

You've only got £200k to pay off and you've got 30 good working years to pay it off in. Seriously, this isn't a normal way to think. I advise you to go to the doctor and discuss your thought processes as they seem rooted in anxiety.

Our mortgage goal is university not reception…

How long have you been overpaying OP?

I had a mortgage when I was a single parent to my children. I didn't earn a lot of money, got no money from their father and got tax credits because of my low salary. They have gone on to do very well in their chosen careers and both did well at school. If you want to make your child's future more secure and you only have cms to rely on get a job so you have more money coming in and start saving to get some money behind you in case of emergencies.

That's absurd. What disadvantage? Don't put unnecessary expectations and pressure on yourself.

PS - my parents are still paying off their mortgage now that I’m an adult, and I’ll most likely inherit the debt once they pass (country they’re in was badly hit by the recessions so people are now on 40-50 year terms).

I do not feel for a minute that they have failed me. Money was tight growing up, they’ve never lived a life of luxury, but they did not fail their children. We learnt to stand on our two feet, and most importantly - we learnt that life isn’t always easy and sometimes you need to prioritise X over YZ.

A privileged childhood, a kid getting “all they may want or need”, doesn’t always set you up for successful adulthood. I’d rather my children grew up learning that we don’t always get what we want in life, than me being to afford every toy and activity and trip they may ask for.

Think about what values you want to teach your daughter.

That s silly.
No one cares if you have a mortgage so long as you can feed and clothe dc and pay for trips etc
A longer term mortgage to keep monthly costs down makes more sense
Then when she older sell up or whatever

Well quite. If we were all able to earn an extra 50k a year, we’d all be doing it!

Your daughter lives in a home you own. She’s massively ahead of many children growing up in two parent families in that respect. A six months’ saving cushion might be a more reasonable and attainable goal.
Are you feeling guilty about her not having a second parent in the home? Is that perhaps driving your anxiety?

I'm just thinking further on it OP and seems like you're anxiety-ing your life away here. You're in a great position and you're worrying about stuff that will likely never happen. It's a terrible waste of time.

@DanielGault yes I have looked at this but they usually cover a very short time like a year or two

Insurance is intended to cover you while you find another job. While it’s possible you could experience a catastrophe that meant you couldn’t work again for most people an interruption to working life isn’t permanent. Rather than paying off the mortgage I’d focus on building an emergency fund in saving so if something did happen you have a safety net, that way all your living costs are covered rather than just your mortgage.

I think you are confusing two things - needing security for your daughter and the presence of a mortgage - I say this as the sole income earner and mortgage holder in my family.
what you need is income protection insurance (and you can get health cover etc) and some savings . The biggest risk is you losing your job and then you could live off your savings whilst looking for another job- and any insurance could help you have a breathing space. As a PP said the mortgage is the best form of debt to have.
The worst thing you can do for your daughter is make yourself ill by not eating or work all hours to pay off your mortgage early