Comparing my mother to my mother in law re grandkids - where do you stand ?

[lemonylemonade]

My MIL adores her grandkids. My mother also adores her grandkids. My mum has 4 grandkids- 2 are my kids and my brother has 2 as well.

My MIL only had my 2, they're the first grandkids. In my family my kids are the younger grandkids.

Anyway, I don't love my MIL, we've had a lot of issues over the years, but we tolerate each other for the sake of the family.

My mom also occasionally has less obvious issues with my SIL ( mother of the older grandkids ). It's not as obvious ' beef ' as I have with my MIL. My MIL and I are both hot heads and end up having fights. My SIL is not like that, if my mum has done something wrong, she just won't invite her over or says they're busy when my mum wants to come over. She gives her the cold shoulder. I give my MIL the cold shoulder a lot as well, in the sense that I don't overly engage with her ever, as I know we will annoy each other. I'm polite, but I don't seek her out.

In any case, my Mum really backs off seeing the grandkids when she senses that my SIL is being a bit cold and doesn't want her around. My mum gets offended and thinks she doesn't need to stoop and beg my SIL to see the grandkids. So she backs off too. Sometimes she'll go quite a while without seeing them, until whatever has blown over.

My MIL would NEVER do that. She doesn't care. Her relationship with her grandkids is really important to her and she feels she has a right to see them. She would never feel like she was begging me, when I give her the cold shoulder. It's not about me, or her stooping down to beg me to see the grandkids. She feels entitled to see them and doesn't have the same shame around it. She would never let a long time pass, she would just keep pushing until she gets to see them.

I sometimes advise my mum to go above her own pride, when she wants to see her grandkids. I don't think she should be pushy, but if she really loves her grandkids and wants to see them, she should put her pride to one side and ask if everything is ok with SIL and try to sort out any issue. But she has too much pride to do that.

What does everyone think ?

I think you all sound childish, TBH.

Who lives their whole lives in a cycle of low grade conflict? Unless your in-laws are truly toxic, you rub along like grown ups do.

Why is it always on the mums? Always, without fail. If your mum doesn't get on with her DiL, she has a mouth and ears and so does her son. The responsibility for somehow being mum aka the "gatekeeper" to the kids for the grandparents on both sides is exhausting.

If I really didn't get on with MiL I'd get DH to visit with DS. Job done.

It's because we are actually close. We don't see each other once a year. So stuff happens.

I think I'm very lucky not to have all this family drama in my life.
Who needs that, life is too short

You all sound ridiculous and are acting more childish than the kids you are talking about. Giving cold shoulders, fighting with each other - what lessons are you teaching the kids

You sound very immature. Luckily for you and your husband and kids your MIL isn't buying into your nonsense and wants to maintain a relationship with her son's children and isn't going to let you being petty affect her relationship with them.

Perhaps grow up and stop using your kids as pawns in your perceived battle.

Seems like a lot of drama and there also seems to be some rule that grandchildren can only be seen if their mums facilitate it. how about your dh deals with your MIL if she is pissing you off and your brother deals with your mum if she is annoying your sil.

But maybe you should see each other less often if you can't do it without falling out and giving cold shoulders etc.

I think my mum sounds childish. You have no idea the stuff that's happened between me and MIL.

The fact that I still tolerate her is a miracle. I just get on with it but I'm not overly friendly and don't seek her out, as we just don't get on. That's mature actually.

I see my MIL weekly, she visits to see her GC and takes my 3YO for a few hours. I've never really squabbled like this with her...

I know she parented very differently but she's smart and tactful enough to know not to offer an unwanted opinion etc.

But here you are asking what we think on mumsnet but then not wanting to hear what we think.

@Spirallingdownwards

I wasn't asking to be personally roasted and ridiculed. I'm at a loss as to how to advise my mind and I thought I would get some helpful replies.

All I've had is a personal bashing.

Perhaps take on board that giving people the cold shoulder is childish and immature as is slagging off your MIL. As others have said either let your DH deal with her and her maintaining a relationship with her grandchildren if you really can't be civil enough when around her.

Sorry that's a typo- I meant, how do I advise my mum. Not mind.

I'm sure the unhelpful comments ridiculing me and my entire family will continue.

I would appreciate it if someone actually answered my question in a kinder/ more helpful way.

@Spirallingdownwards I don't slag her off.

By cold shoulder I just mean that I don't call her and seek her out and if I do see her, I don't engage with her massively as it just works better that way. We haven't had a fight in ages because I grey rock her. It's just best this way.

It all sounds like hard work. Why do you all fall out with each other?

OMG it all sounds excrutiatingly childish.

But you are slagging her off on here. And your own mum and SIL too. You have come across as rude and petulant in your opening post which is why the answers have been in a similar vein.

I am unsure what it is you are seeking. Some of us have said leave it to your DH to deal with MIL or grin and bear it. If you want us to say you are completely in the right and you should ban her from seeing the grandchildren when you have given no good reason why she should be kept away from them then I don't think you will get the answer you want.

I live literally next door to my mum and 1.5 miles away from my MIL. I've been with DP getting on for 15 years, with 2 DC and we have never in that time fell out with each other. Deary me, how tiring it must be.

In my experience you can advise people as much as you like, but if they are looking for advice then you are wasting your time even thinking about it for them OP.

You haven't really understood my question at all.

I am asking for advice on how MY Mum can improve her relationship with her grandkids.

If she should put her pride to one side and just push on, even when getting the cold shoulder or whatever from my SIL.

I haven't slagged them off. It's an anonymous forum. What's your problem, honestly ?

I am asking for advice on how MY Mum can improve her relationship with her grandkids.

Id leave her to have her own relationship with your SIL, and her grandchildren.

If she pushes then it may make the situation worse.

Shes an adult, leave her to deal with her own petty squabbles with your SIL herself in her way

You all sound like you need to grow up and realise how lucky you are to have a loving family. Life is too short for stupid petty arguments and hot headedness.

I think you all need to stop pissing each other off! And get along. I mean, how may arguments do you have?!

My mum and SIL don't have arguments.

SIL just freezes her out a couple of times a year.

I haven't had an argument with my MIL for maybe 2-3 years. But I'm weary of something, so I grey rock and keep my head down.

Where are the husbands/dads in all of this? Why are they not taking the lead with their mums?