Comparing my mother to my mother in law re grandkids - where do you stand ?

[lemonylemonade]

My MIL adores her grandkids. My mother also adores her grandkids. My mum has 4 grandkids- 2 are my kids and my brother has 2 as well.

My MIL only had my 2, they're the first grandkids. In my family my kids are the younger grandkids.

Anyway, I don't love my MIL, we've had a lot of issues over the years, but we tolerate each other for the sake of the family.

My mom also occasionally has less obvious issues with my SIL ( mother of the older grandkids ). It's not as obvious ' beef ' as I have with my MIL. My MIL and I are both hot heads and end up having fights. My SIL is not like that, if my mum has done something wrong, she just won't invite her over or says they're busy when my mum wants to come over. She gives her the cold shoulder. I give my MIL the cold shoulder a lot as well, in the sense that I don't overly engage with her ever, as I know we will annoy each other. I'm polite, but I don't seek her out.

In any case, my Mum really backs off seeing the grandkids when she senses that my SIL is being a bit cold and doesn't want her around. My mum gets offended and thinks she doesn't need to stoop and beg my SIL to see the grandkids. So she backs off too. Sometimes she'll go quite a while without seeing them, until whatever has blown over.

My MIL would NEVER do that. She doesn't care. Her relationship with her grandkids is really important to her and she feels she has a right to see them. She would never feel like she was begging me, when I give her the cold shoulder. It's not about me, or her stooping down to beg me to see the grandkids. She feels entitled to see them and doesn't have the same shame around it. She would never let a long time pass, she would just keep pushing until she gets to see them.

I sometimes advise my mum to go above her own pride, when she wants to see her grandkids. I don't think she should be pushy, but if she really loves her grandkids and wants to see them, she should put her pride to one side and ask if everything is ok with SIL and try to sort out any issue. But she has too much pride to do that.

What does everyone think ?

Honestly? I think both mums and both DiL sound as daft as each other. Fighting and giving each other the cold shoulder, begging or sulking, power play with the children in the middle. I think you all need to either decide you don't want to know your respective Mil/dil and get the fathers/sons to step up as go between, (as they should) or learn a bit of tolerance. Because no one should be sulking, begging or pushing for anything regarding children. You may think that sounds harsh, but truly, lifes too short for this behaviour.

Ah ok. I've never called my mother in law crazy / fat / insulted her family or gone through her things.

But I'm as bad as her ? For not being pally pally with her ? For just avoiding lengthy conversations because I know they'll lead to friction ? No, it's not that way.

If she's called you those things its even more reason to step away and let your husband deal with her. It makes no sense to exist in these fractious relationships, whoever is the worst offender.

I think that their sons need to facilitate the relationship more. I couldn't be doing with that nonsense.