Comparing my mother to my mother in law re grandkids - where do you stand ?

[lemonylemonade]

My MIL adores her grandkids. My mother also adores her grandkids. My mum has 4 grandkids- 2 are my kids and my brother has 2 as well.

My MIL only had my 2, they're the first grandkids. In my family my kids are the younger grandkids.

Anyway, I don't love my MIL, we've had a lot of issues over the years, but we tolerate each other for the sake of the family.

My mom also occasionally has less obvious issues with my SIL ( mother of the older grandkids ). It's not as obvious ' beef ' as I have with my MIL. My MIL and I are both hot heads and end up having fights. My SIL is not like that, if my mum has done something wrong, she just won't invite her over or says they're busy when my mum wants to come over. She gives her the cold shoulder. I give my MIL the cold shoulder a lot as well, in the sense that I don't overly engage with her ever, as I know we will annoy each other. I'm polite, but I don't seek her out.

In any case, my Mum really backs off seeing the grandkids when she senses that my SIL is being a bit cold and doesn't want her around. My mum gets offended and thinks she doesn't need to stoop and beg my SIL to see the grandkids. So she backs off too. Sometimes she'll go quite a while without seeing them, until whatever has blown over.

My MIL would NEVER do that. She doesn't care. Her relationship with her grandkids is really important to her and she feels she has a right to see them. She would never feel like she was begging me, when I give her the cold shoulder. It's not about me, or her stooping down to beg me to see the grandkids. She feels entitled to see them and doesn't have the same shame around it. She would never let a long time pass, she would just keep pushing until she gets to see them.

I sometimes advise my mum to go above her own pride, when she wants to see her grandkids. I don't think she should be pushy, but if she really loves her grandkids and wants to see them, she should put her pride to one side and ask if everything is ok with SIL and try to sort out any issue. But she has too much pride to do that.

What does everyone think ?

What does her son/your brother have to say about it all? His first responsibility is of course to his wife and children, but he still needs to be considerate of his mum too.
In the arguements between your mum and SIL, if you look at it objectively, who is more in the wrong, or is it just a case of a personality clash.

Ultimately everyone should be thinking what is best for the grandchildren, regardless of their personal feelings.

My MIL and I disagree a lot. And she has been openly critical of my parenting, even criticising me to my mum once! So I only see her when I need to for family events, and limit it to polite conversation. But my husband takes our girls to see her as they adore her, and regardless of my feelings, I feel the grandchild/grandparent relationship is really important.

Can your brother bring the children over to see your mum?

If she really loved her Grandchildren!!

Behave yourself

Neither my mum or my mil ever went in for all this childish game playing.

@Bushmillsbabe my mum and SIL don't argue.

SIL will just tell her she's busy for a number of months sometimes and not talk to her. Sometimes even ignoring phone calls and pretending not to be at home if my mum goes over there. That kind of thing.

Why does it happen ? I think sometimes my mum probably says stuff that interferes with her parenting, that kind of thing.

Eventually it turns around again somehow.

My mum can be critical and I always try and make her see things from SIL point of view, but she doesn't really get it.

Sounds hard work. Just behave as adults to each other .

It really sounds like so much drama and hard work!

Why does your mother need your advice? Can't she sort this out between herself and your brother without your interference?

Maybe it would be better if you weren't all "so close" and put a little bit of healthy space between you?

I have a good relationship with SIL but I try not to get involved. I wouldn't call SIL up and ask her why she's ignoring my mum for example.

There have been occasions where sis in law has mentioned things said by my mum which have upset her or I've even been present and I totally understand where SIL is coming from.

My mum does the same to me and me and sis in law exchange notes sometimes. But of course she's my mum so I can take it more and I can also just tell her to stop obsessing about whether my kids are wearing socks or a vest or whatever. These are minor things we laugh about to be fair, not the things that actually cause issues.

@Bushmillsbabe snap ! My MIL also slagged me off to my mum more than once. The latest was that apparently I refuse to put my kids in clothes that have been gifted by her. Which is just completely untrue. She always finds something to harp on about or criticise me over to be fair.

She takes pics of the gifts she gives us and then tries to find them in my house. The stories are endless.

The worst was when she called my husband a traitor for sticking up for me once. When she completely gaslighted me after saying my bum was huge when I was pregnant.

I agree, where are the husbands and fathers?

I don't blame SIL tbh, sounds quite si ilar to my MIL. It's taken me time to let MIL's behaviour go, and my husband understands my position so doesn't push me into seeing MIL more than I have too, makes up excuses about me needing to get some work done etc when takes our girls to see her.

Can your brother take the children to see her? As others have mentioned, all the pressure/responsibility seems to be on the mums, and none on the Dads. Our situation works as my husband takes on the responsibility of facilitating the relationship between his mum and our girls. So then the few times MIL and i do see each other, we can contain our frustration and appear pleasant in front of the girls.

So in terms of advice to your mum

• keep her opinions on parenting to herself, they aren't her children and she has no business giving her opinion unless asked directly for it
• she needs to ask her son to step up, mediate and support the relationship between his children and their grandma. Your SIL doesn't owe her anything, but your brother does

Probably off being grown ups, unlike the females in this family

It all sounds far too much like an episode of Eastenders

It's really horrible to use the children as a weapon to punish their grandparents. But yes obviously your mum should discuss it with either her DIL or her own son.

Seriously, if you read your own posts you know that the only advice you need to give your mum is to stop criticising and picking at your SiL. If nobody has asked for her opinion on SiLs parenting, she doesn't offer one.

We are all close. We literally live within 15 mins of each other , my family and my DH family, but we don't ever have this level of pettiness. I couldn't cope living like that!

What a drama. You all need to keep yourselves in check. Why on earth do you all keep having issues with each other?

Has your Mum asked for advice? Not sure why you are getting involved in your Mums and SIL relationship.

sounds as if you all need to grow up.

Ahh, OP, I feel for you. I think you’re stuck with a DM and a MIL who both want the best for their grandkids, but don’t understand how to relate to their daughters / daughters in law.

You seem like you want both matriarchs to have the best relationship with their grandkids, regardless of how you feel about the matriarchs. I really respect that.

Ultimately, it’s not your job to fix your mums relationship with your brothers kids. That’s his job. Don’t get involved anymore. If your mum starts trying to vent to you, tell her to vent to your brother instead.

If you have a relationship with your brother where you can get all the cousins together then do it, invite your mum and that might take some pressure off.

That’s the weirdest single statement on this thread. I live within a few minutes’ drive of both my parents and PILs. We see a lot of one another. Both sets are difficult in their own ways. No one ever approaches this level of drama.

Don't get why everyone is being so mean, is everyone normal off doing normal stuff today?

This is tricky OP and I can imagine being in this situation - as you or your mum! I really envy the not caring scenario and think I would be more sensitive myself.

I would tend to agree that the men need to take some of this burden on rather than it being the women who take all this on (as well as who suffer the impact on their relationships...) - so maybe that's what I'd suggest to your mum: to involve your brother. And maybe also to think about what she wants and what's good for her - if that's seeing the grandkids then putting her pride aside to spend time time them is an act of self-love rather then a acceptance of being treated badly. What's your feeling - it seems like you may feel a bit frustrated with her on this?

Hope it works out and please don't take these rather mean first people as representing of everyone on here! I find this kind of thread instructive, relatable and interesting.

I think I understand how you feel - I have a mother who is very loving, but is a massive sulker if she’s upset and just shuts off and gives the silent treatment to anyone that pisses her off (ie disagrees with her). I’ve tried talking to her about it but it just makes her more upset, and I’ve just kind of come to the conclusion that she’s not emotionally robust enough to have these conversations. My opinion is that she needs to do some internal work on her issues (don’t we all!), but that’s on her. I’m far from perfect myself, but identifying these traits helps me take actions to ensure that I don’t replicate these habits. I choose to accept her how she is, and allow her to carve her own path in life, because trying to change someone is, in my experience, an exhausting and fruitless task.

This post I saw on instagram words it quite nicely;

It all sounds exhausting and tiresome to be honest! Here's a thought - let your mum sort out her own relationship with SIL and grandchildren and keep your advice/thoughts about what she should do to yourself. I don't know why you'd want to intefere, they're both adults, let them get on with it!

You never wanted to help your mum before when she was upset? Is that really so weird ? I don't interfere. To me, interfering would be if I actually got involved and mentioned stuff my mum says to SIL.

I just talk to my mum and give her a DIL point of view I guess, because I can really empathise with SIL.

As per pp, this drama llama sounds exhausting and point scoring.
And its the first thread where 'DOES NOBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!' is bloody relevant!

I do. SIL doesn't really.