Comparing my mother to my mother in law re grandkids - where do you stand ?

[lemonylemonade]

My MIL adores her grandkids. My mother also adores her grandkids. My mum has 4 grandkids- 2 are my kids and my brother has 2 as well.

My MIL only had my 2, they're the first grandkids. In my family my kids are the younger grandkids.

Anyway, I don't love my MIL, we've had a lot of issues over the years, but we tolerate each other for the sake of the family.

My mom also occasionally has less obvious issues with my SIL ( mother of the older grandkids ). It's not as obvious ' beef ' as I have with my MIL. My MIL and I are both hot heads and end up having fights. My SIL is not like that, if my mum has done something wrong, she just won't invite her over or says they're busy when my mum wants to come over. She gives her the cold shoulder. I give my MIL the cold shoulder a lot as well, in the sense that I don't overly engage with her ever, as I know we will annoy each other. I'm polite, but I don't seek her out.

In any case, my Mum really backs off seeing the grandkids when she senses that my SIL is being a bit cold and doesn't want her around. My mum gets offended and thinks she doesn't need to stoop and beg my SIL to see the grandkids. So she backs off too. Sometimes she'll go quite a while without seeing them, until whatever has blown over.

My MIL would NEVER do that. She doesn't care. Her relationship with her grandkids is really important to her and she feels she has a right to see them. She would never feel like she was begging me, when I give her the cold shoulder. It's not about me, or her stooping down to beg me to see the grandkids. She feels entitled to see them and doesn't have the same shame around it. She would never let a long time pass, she would just keep pushing until she gets to see them.

I sometimes advise my mum to go above her own pride, when she wants to see her grandkids. I don't think she should be pushy, but if she really loves her grandkids and wants to see them, she should put her pride to one side and ask if everything is ok with SIL and try to sort out any issue. But she has too much pride to do that.

What does everyone think ?

Your MIL is correct.

Your brother should facilitate when your sil is being a nob

If you wanted to just talk about your mum, why bring your MIL into the post at all?

Looking at your OP you talk about your MIL the same if not more than your mum and then finish the post with what does everyone think with no specific question relating to your mum only

So it is pretty understandable why people are talking about something different than you wanted

Sometimes my mum will mention to Bro, oh is everything ok with SIL ? She keeps sacking me off and saying you're busy etc. and Bro will just say ' yeah we are just so busy ' and then eventually they see each other again.

In my case with MIL, I manage the day to day stuff of seeing grandkids usually. Husband doesn't need to get involved really at how things are at the moment. When there have been arguments, he's stepped in. But MIL has a habit of being unkind when no one else is around. It's all a bit annoying. But calm at the moment.

Where is your brother in all this? Why is he not going to visit your mum and taking the kids with him?

If it’s only a couple times a year, they can just carry on as they are can’t they?

Your mum should ask your brother what gives, you should stay out of it, and your MIL should contact your husband when she wants to see your kids.

@Pepsiisbetterthancoke because they're the two grandmas in my life and they act so differently and I wanted to know which approach is right ? Should you just push on? Should there be this silly pride thing, if you really love your grandkids ? It's just the way I think about it all.

I analyse both of their behaviours and often find myself advising my mum to put her pride to one side and think of the children.

Posters replies say where the problem is. As a mum to a mum grow up and life is much nicer. I live near mil and mum and several children and no conflicts,arguments etc. Pointless and the kids adore there grans on both sides

I don't understand why you are so involved in your Mum's relationship with your SIL. If you must advise Mum, advise her to make arrangements with her son, his wife must be fed up with always being the organiser.

I suppose I mean the men taking the lead more from the day to day point of view- not managing the arguments. If the men were to take the lead day to day, there would be less opportunity for arguments among the women.

I am not one to blow hot and cold. My MIL is, however, and I don't like those relationship dynamics, which we don't have in my family. I decided early on that, much as I take the lead with my family, DH can take the lead with his. It has worked for me at least and if she ever goes in a huff at least it's not with me.

If your question is what your mum can do to better handle this situatuon, then in view the answer is cement the relationship with her son as the father of her grandchildren and go primarily through him.

I think it’s super important for kids to have relationships with grandparents, to see them regularly and for adults to facilitate that.

the language you used around your MIL ‘having no shame’ To make sure she sees her grandkids speaks volumes in my opinion… you think she’s grovelling with you to get access but you shouldn’t be gate keeping you kids as punishment.

Hope your kids and nieces/nephews can rise above the pettiness of the adults and not continue the cycle

I'm fed up just reading this stuff. I can't imagine living it.

I'm very close to my family and in laws. I see them all more days than not, we all live very nearby so very close-knit. But I just don't recognise any of this constant drama as normal.

I just can't imagine finding so many things to fall out about. Not everything has to turn into a problem.

Odd.

And I agree with PPs that its always the MIL and never the FIL that gets the blame when stuff goes wrong.

You seem to think that your MIL and mum should be grateful that you and SIL let them see your respective kids and that they should ‘work’ for it, like a weird form of Pavlov”s dogs.

There is very little acknowledgement in your posts that your kids benefit from time and love from their grandparents.

Your MIL’s fierce love for your kids so should make you more sympathetic to her, because it sounds like you are the gatekeeper to MIL seeing the kids and you relish that role.

No not in any way.

I just mean that I don't pander to her or invite her over much ( I did last week ). Whereas my mum will keep score of how often she's invited etc or not. Or how often she has to reach out first and it pisses her off.

I don't stand in the way of a relationship between my kids and MIL, I just don't ask her to come over etc. it's usually her asking to see them.

I’m reading it as a ‘like mother like daughter’, or the other way around. Both you and your mum behave appallingly. Children and their lives are not bargaining chips in settling scores between adults.

So, in answer to your question, OP, not only your mum, but you too could do with taking a file out of your MIL’s book, raise above and think of the children. Hope that helps.

You're your mothers daughter all right.

Not at all. If I was, I would keep score and be offended etc and not allow a relationship.

It's funny because I've posted here before about some of MIL's behaviours and have been told she's clearly a narc. I just didn't want to go into the detail of it today. The fact I still speak to the woman is a miracle.

But think what you will. You just don't know the whole story.

Good lord you all sound hard work, who falls out this often?

Either rub along and see each other, or fall out and dint bother.

I don't think you're going to change your Mums way of doing things.

It's her way of coping even though you think it's wrong.

I see my parents around twice a week and my brother, SiL and Neice once a fortnight minimum. In around 16 years we've had maybe 2 issues. These were brought up, discussed, smoothed over and moved on. If anyone isn't keen on someone they just crack on and hide it. There's no ignoring, no wading in advising others to stand up for themselves, no sulking, cutting people off etc etc. Because we're all grown and can't be arsed with childish shit. It's got nothing to do with how often you see each other.

I see my in laws most weeks. I mostly think they’re batshit. We’ve never once fallen out.

I have similar feelings about some of my colleagues I see every day.

But I’m an adult and I learnt how to play nice, so I do because all this conflict sounds exhausting.

Children shouldn't be used as pawns in grown up arguments so no one is coming out of this looking particularly good. Do you have a good relationship with SIL? Could you step in to facilitate some kind of peace agreement? I know it's nothing to do with you but it could maybe smooth things over?

That's probably true. Also she may push SIL further away if she does push more.

Whereas in my case, I don't stop MIL from seeing the kids by telling her we are busy etc. no matter what all the posters are saying, I don't do that.

In fact I prioritise it and make sure she sees them, when she asks to see them.

I just know we aren't going to be best buddies so I don't engage in unnecessary topics that I know will cause friction etc.

But you know what, I know what I am and I know what I do. I don't need to justify it to anyone.