To not take what a 5 year old says that seriously?

[Kusama]

I don't know how seriously to take my 5 year old.

My DH (DS dad) is hands on dad but also quite grumpy. He looks exasperated a lot of the time. He doesnt shout all that much but he doss have a pissed off vibe a lot. Sometimes he really loses his temper but not often. He is also very into rough play, so lots of throwing DS around which I find annoying as the last thing DS needs is being wound up. I think it's unfair on DS as he then gets told off for being hyper.

So my question. DS has started saying things like

"Can dad not live here anymore" "daddy is scary and naughty man" "I only love mummy" and just now after school DS heard a noise and said "oh no, is that daddy"

Pls don't jump down my throat but kids say all kinds of stuff dont they? DS also often tells me how he doesnt like so and so kid from school or some teacher is mean and that stuff I listen to him but don't obviously do anything about it!

Is DS saying stuff about DH unusual? I've told H and he seems quite relaxed/almost happy about it.

My ds9 has never said that. Maybe you need to see his life from his eyes a bit more...
Imo.

I think you should take him seriously. 5 year old kids don't say things like that unless they mean them. Your DH needs to do some work on himself. Poor DS 😔

I would be concerned and would be watching their interactions more closely. If your DS isn't happy around his dad, that needs addressing. If on the other hand he's happy and relaxed when they play, it may be something your DS has heard somewhere. Nothing wrong with keeping an eye out.

I would be very concerned if my child was frightened of his father and you're trying to minimise it. It's not normal, no.

Would I take a five year old seriously if they said ‘I don’t like you’ in a tantrum after they’ve been denied sweets or extra television or something? No, that’s normal.

Your five year old consistently expressing fear/anxiety regarding his Dad’s presence - even if he’s not around? I can’t think of many things I’d take more seriously tbh.

It’s also a giant red flag that your dh seems ‘almost happy’ that his son dreads his presence. You must know that?!

Your DH sounds like a bully.

Giant red flag. Whatever your ds is trying to express to you is serious as he is clearly fearful and unhappy when his dad is around . I have a 5 and 7 year old. They have never said anything remotely like this.

There's a difference between taking what a 5 year old says literally, and taking it seriously. 5 year olds don't always tell the literal truth, but your son is conveying something here.

It might not be that he doesn't like daddy btw - it might be that he is picking up that you don't approve of daddy's behaviour, and is communicating that back to you. But it does need you to consider it further, certainly.

That’s how I felt as a child. Horrible. It doesn’t have to be abuse, It can just be that a grumpy, perfectionist, unreliable (in the emotional sense) parent, is a really disliked one.

Your DHs reaction made my stomach drop a bit tbh. This doesnt sound normal to me, especially the "oh no is that Daddy" and "can Daddy not live here anymore". The other comments are more open to interpretation.

I would try and take a step back and really look at this whole situation from DS's point of view and reevaluate.

What happens when DH loses his temper? Are you scared of him too? Who is telling DS off for being hyper when hes been wound up?

I do take it seriously in sense I reassure him and listen to him. But I see in same vein as when he says "the PE teacher is mean sometimes".

@pinksunglasses he doesnt do it consistently and he often runs to H when he does get home. He's seemingly happy in H company but these comments are starting to creep in. I do know it's concerning but I also know he says "i hate you" sometimes to me when I tell him to go bed and he is cuddling me a minute later of course. I agree with you that H reaction is a concern.

Yes I would pay attention to what your son is saying and I’d also have a discussion with your husband so he’s aware how your son is feeling. Hopefully this will shock him into changing his attitude.

But be aware a lot of posters are going to imply your kid is being sexually abused by his dad, they’re obsessed with it on here 🙄

This would deeply concern me, if he's jumpy and has mentioned this more than once he's obviously anxious. I'm not sure your husband being amused is the right response 🫤

Your DH being relaxed / happy about your DS saying those things is more of a red flag for me than your son actually saying those things. My DP would be devastated if my daughter said anything similar. I do think you need to listen to your 5 year old, it's a really unusual thing for someone so young to say for no reason.

The next time he says this you need to ask him more questions as to why. It's not normal for your son to say those things

Exactly this. I'd really be worried by him saying this. Not all kids like rough play, and he's obviously aware of his dad's temperament and it's concerning him.

Have you tried probing to find out why he is saying these things? Ideally when dad isn't around

"I've told H and he seems quite relaxed/almost happy about it."

Fucking hell. I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms to keep his hands off my child. He sounds like a psycho

DS usually says it when he's upset or worried. He was upset after school today about other kids and started saying all that stuff about H. He definitely doesnt want H to see him upset.

I've just asked more questions now he's calmer and he's saying he loves daddy and it's all good basically and to stop asking him questions.

I will talk to H again tonight. I don't expect to get a good reaction.

I have a 5 year old son and he has never said that about my husband

Does your child say similar things about other adults?

I don't think these comments are normal. I think your son is trying to tell you something with the limited language that a 5 year old has. He may well not enjoy his dad's rough play. You need to ask your DH to tone it down and try doing other activities with him, park, sports, games, crafts, lego, trains, cars etc.
What worries me more though is you are obviously treading on eggshells with your DH and know he's not going to take it well. He needs to put his child's happiness first, not be obsessed with some macho versions of fatherhood. Please stick up for your little boy.

Those aren't normal comments.

That's not normal, at all. You need to be a lot more worried.

Yeah.. that ain’t right.