To not take what a 5 year old says that seriously?

[Kusama]

I don't know how seriously to take my 5 year old.

My DH (DS dad) is hands on dad but also quite grumpy. He looks exasperated a lot of the time. He doesnt shout all that much but he doss have a pissed off vibe a lot. Sometimes he really loses his temper but not often. He is also very into rough play, so lots of throwing DS around which I find annoying as the last thing DS needs is being wound up. I think it's unfair on DS as he then gets told off for being hyper.

So my question. DS has started saying things like

"Can dad not live here anymore" "daddy is scary and naughty man" "I only love mummy" and just now after school DS heard a noise and said "oh no, is that daddy"

Pls don't jump down my throat but kids say all kinds of stuff dont they? DS also often tells me how he doesnt like so and so kid from school or some teacher is mean and that stuff I listen to him but don't obviously do anything about it!

Is DS saying stuff about DH unusual? I've told H and he seems quite relaxed/almost happy about it.

I would be very concerned. And his teachers are also likely to be concerned. Your H sounds like a dickhead.

DS also tells me "I hate Bobby from Year 2" and "I'm going to marry Lisa from reception" and "I'm never going to eat food ever again in my whole life"

And DS means all those things in the moment but I don't need to act on any of those things.

Now I'm not saying it's not serious what he's saying about his dad. It is. It's why I've posted here. I wondered if other kids said things like that about their parents.

I always listen to him. I'm here for him day and night for him with kisses, cuddles, I'm a good mum and he's safe and happy with me.

I do have a grumpy DH problem. And i do take it v seriously. But your comment is implying DS hasn't got any adults on his side and that couldn't be further from the truth.

I'm concerned about what your child is saying , it's definitely not normal and I'm more concerned that you have to ask.

All right.
Maybe I was projecting from my own childhood, had problems trusting adults.
You know the best!

DH is a grumpy bugger, the kids know this and we have a laugh about how he is always grumpy...never have they said they hate him and don't want him to live here any more

Your child is scared of his dad and that is not normal

"Can dad not live here anymore" "daddy is scary and naughty man"

If a child in my class told me that, I would be reporting it as a safeguarding concern.

It's not normal and very concerning.

Your DH reaction is actually quite scary, who would be happy about their child being scares of them?

Do they have much time alone just the two of them? Did something happen when you weren't there, such as your DH lost hIs temper with DS? Did he shout DS in a way that terrified him? Is the rough play too much?

I know it can be confusing from your DS saying those things then being happy to see his dad, but even abused children love but fear their parents. Just stating that as an example- not saying your son is abused.

It could be that your husbands grumpiness/losing his temperature is actually what's causing your sons mixed feelings.

Definitely needs looking into and I'd start keeping a closer eye on their interactions.

DS also tells me "I hate Bobby from Year 2" and "I'm going to marry Lisa from reception" and "I'm never going to eat food ever again in my whole life"

Yes absolutely all kids say these things. All kids do NOT ask for Daddy to not live here or say he’s scary, not remotely in the same category as saying a teacher is something mean.

I don't know OP...I think I'd be worried by this. None of my children ever said anything like this about their dad. And if I'd told him they had, he would have been very upset about it. Your husband's reaction is strange 😳 how often does your husband look after your little one on his own? Could he be disciplining him harshly? Does he smack/shout etc? Sometimes men don't actually realise how intimidating it can be to have a big angry man looming over you, especially to a little 5 year old!

My DD practically hated DH for about a year (she was younger than 5, about 2 1/2 or 3 it started) always wanted me, would shout “no daddy!” at him, wouldn’t let him do anything, told him to go away all the time etc. It wasn’t constant but it was a lot over a long period.

Now…they’re thick as thieves, he’s her “favourite” parent. I don’t mean favourite in a negative way, just how they are. My point is, young kids can, and do, say things in a certain way due to an inability to properly express themselves at times.

Your son will be a) very aware of his dad's grumpiness and therefore he wary of it and b) likely be in the stage when he's very much in love with his mum - as lots of boys go through. You do need to listen to him though, and your husband needs to take note. 5 is more than old enough to be expressing real feelings, as well as the usual playground stuff.

"My DH (DS dad) is hands on dad but also quite grumpy. He looks exasperated a lot of the time. He doesnt shout all that much but he doss have a pissed off vibe a lot. Sometimes he really loses his temper but not often."

Your son's comments combined with your above assessment of your husband's behaviour spells bad news. No child wants to be around an angry/negative parent and the effects of that can be life-long.

I wouldn't want to be living with your bloody grumpy DH, but I could walk away. Your son can't.

@Kusama My DH (DS dad) is hands on dad but also quite grumpy. He looks exasperated a lot of the time. He doesnt shout all that much but he doss have a pissed off vibe a lot. Sometimes he really loses his temper but not often. He is also very into rough play, so lots of throwing DS around which I find annoying as the last thing DS needs is being wound up. I think it's unfair on DS as he then gets told off for being hyper.

So, you say DH is quite grumpy, exasperated a lot, sometimes shouty, has a pissed off vibe a lot, and occasionally really loses his temper.

These are all really unhappy and negative experiences of their daddy from a little child's perspective. No wonder DS is saying these things - no great mystery.

On top of that 'rough play', which DS probably doesn't really enjoy, - aside from the fact that it's a form of attention - and then gets told off for being hyper afterwards.

I have a clear memory of my own miserable shit dad aged around 5. Parents were separated, and I'd lock myself in the bathroom when he came to take me away for the weekend. If he'd been living with me, I might well have said to my mother that I wished daddy would go away.

My 5 yr old nor my 4 year old has ever said anything like that :O

Also kids sense feelings and negative feelings really impact kids so I can imagine that him sensing his dad isn't happy all the time must be hard

I'd also add that you need to be aware that there is a high chance your DS will grow up and model his behaviour from DH. You will have a grumpy, aggressive male teen with zero respect for you and you'll wonder where you went wrong. This right now is where you are going wrong.

It may not happen that way and I don't want to be too harsh, and I'm sorry if this upsets you further, but your DS' situation breaks my heart.

I think you're kind of minimizing your DH behavior. There really isn't any reason for someone to be grumpy on a regular basis other than they are controlling and low-key abusive.

Have you felt yourself changing your behavior to accommodate your DH in an attempt to minimize his grumpiness? Does your DH generally get his way most of the time?

Imo, your child is trying to express he doesn't feel safe.

Instead of being able to articulate and stand by what he's saying, he then minimises it. Not because he's exaggerating or making it up.

The first bit he said is the truth. The latter, because he is terrified of his father.

Out of the mouths of babes.

When I was not yet seven years old, I filled out a notebook for primary school homework which was entitled 'All about Me'. You had to fill in words or react to prompts like 'What would you like to do when you grow up?'

In answer to the prompt 'What makes you feel sad?' I innocently, sincerely and precociously wrote 'Some films make sad. It also makes me sad when daddy hits the baby.'

My class teacher listened to my words and she sparked a very serious and much needed Social Service investigation, during which both my parents minimised the constant abuse and because they were articulate, privileged and private fee paying they wheedled out if it.

The baby who was constantly being hit, like me, was my 11 month old sister. She estranged herself from all of us. She cut my parents and her siblings out of her life. It has been 28 years since we have seen her. I miss her everyday. I have severe mental health problems because of this and other abuse. Our mother died without seeing my sister ever again. I know I will.

Please take what your son says very, very seriously.

Listen to your poor brave boy and protect his physical and emotional health.

Er. No. That’s not normal. Sometimes one of my 4 would have said “mummy/daddy is grumpy today” or “ mummy/daddy is a meanie”. ( if we say no or told them off ) but never anything like this. Sorry but it’s a very concerning and I would try to get to the bottom of it. My husband isn’t a really hands-on father either but none of our kids would have said anything like this. X

I've told H and he seems quite relaxed/almost happy about it

This is very weird.

Listen to your five year old.

Advocate for your child and stop ignoring his valid concerns.

If he’s raising issues at school I don’t understand why you’re ignoring those. You are teaching your child to accept being treated badly. Just say to the teacher “xx seems concerned about xx” and leave it there if he’s worried about something at school. And say the same to your DH in front of him. Teach your child it’s not OK to be treated badly by anyone.

This morning is typical. H is late for work. Face like thunder. Can't find his phone, starts muttering "always the same" under his breath. Both kids (3 and 5) are attached to me all morning. H shouts "fucks sake" in another room so we all hear. Kids keep watching telly. H marching around from room to room. Finally he leaves and gives kids kisses but 5 year old doesn't want to.

There is no violence but I do think I'm used to just living with a pissed off man.

I talked to H last night and he dismissed it saying DS says all kinds of things. I said about rough play being a bit intense and he told me I was talking "bollocks".

Not sure what to do next. Maybe I could talk to DS form teacher - she's so nice and supportive.

What do you mean by throwing him around? That alone sounds bad to me. Listen to your son

Just read your latest update op and I think you need to seriously consider where to go from here.

Your husband needs to take this seriously and take steps to manage his moods so they don't bring the whole house down. A parenting course, therapy, fecking yoga, something!

If he won't even consider taking action, well... Do you really want to live like this forever? Do you really want this for your children?