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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not take what a 5 year old says that seriously?

110 replies

Kusama · 20/05/2024 16:03

I don't know how seriously to take my 5 year old.

My DH (DS dad) is hands on dad but also quite grumpy. He looks exasperated a lot of the time. He doesnt shout all that much but he doss have a pissed off vibe a lot. Sometimes he really loses his temper but not often. He is also very into rough play, so lots of throwing DS around which I find annoying as the last thing DS needs is being wound up. I think it's unfair on DS as he then gets told off for being hyper.

So my question. DS has started saying things like

"Can dad not live here anymore" "daddy is scary and naughty man" "I only love mummy" and just now after school DS heard a noise and said "oh no, is that daddy"

Pls don't jump down my throat but kids say all kinds of stuff dont they? DS also often tells me how he doesnt like so and so kid from school or some teacher is mean and that stuff I listen to him but don't obviously do anything about it!

Is DS saying stuff about DH unusual? I've told H and he seems quite relaxed/almost happy about it.

OP posts:
Durdledore · 20/05/2024 17:18

You DS not wanting you to ask questions isn’t good either.

FlangeBoil · 20/05/2024 17:18

My 4.5yo talks utter shite - recent example is telling her childminder that we don't have a washing machine and that I hand wash our stuff. We definitely do have a washing machine, and I don't hand wash our clothes. However, with something of a serious nature like your DS is saying, I would certainly not ignore. Young children tell tall-tales and have incredible imaginations but saying personal things about his DF seems like something you should look into and not brush off as a lie.

Soubriquet · 20/05/2024 17:18

I would be taking that seriously. He honestly sounds scared of his dad

mynameiscalypso · 20/05/2024 17:18

Hmm. I have this to a very small extent with my 5 year old but my DH immediately started moderating his behaviour - he's a bit of a grump but makes a conscious effort to be even-tempered with DS. So I would be most concerned about your DH's reaction because it broke my DH's heart to hear that our son was worried about DH's reactions to things.

On the rough play, there's a very good episode of Bluey on this point. Rough play can be okay to a point but it's often hard for a child to say no when they want it to stop (and be heard)

PolarBearsCoverTheirNoses · 20/05/2024 17:19

This sounds quite worrying.

Your dh needs to tone down how he plays.
Living with someone who often has a pissed off vibe is oppressive and draining, so he needs to tone that down too.
Life isn’t meant to be like this.

As for this ridiculous comment:

But be aware a lot of posters are going to imply your kid is being sexually abused by his dad, they’re obsessed with it on here 🙄

No one apart from you has mentioned it. If there are red flags for sexual abuse I’d rather hope someone flags it up, even if they’re accused of being obsessed. But weird to have a problem with MNers flagging up the potential of harm to a child Hmm

PeloMom · 20/05/2024 17:20

You need to take it seriously. We went briefly through this stage too a few months ago with a similar aged DC. Your child’s feeling are valid.
I spoke to my DH several times about the tone he was using (he WFH and often is stressed after a call etc and uses the same tone with us - which I have told him is unacceptable as we aren’t his employees). My DH didn’t get it until my DC told one of his teachers the same stuff about daddy and she was kind enough to speak to me and my DH (who finally got how serious it is) before going to the next step and reporting.

TakeOnFlea · 20/05/2024 17:38

"But be aware a lot of posters are going to imply your kid is being sexually abused by his dad, they’re obsessed with it on here 🙄"

You're literally the only person that even went there @EmilyTjP 🙄

Fivebyfive2 · 20/05/2024 18:29

I'd be a bit worried to b honest op, not even especially about abuse exactly but just that their relationship needs work.

To give a different perspective... My son is 4.5 and has always been very, very attached to me. DH is a hands on, kind dad but I have always been the "preferred parent" to put it mildly. Ds started saying he just wanted it to be me and him etc. It wasn't so much that he didn't love DH, just that he was so hyper focused on me that he saw time with DH as time it wasn't just us and he didn't like it.

This peaked last year and it got to the point we were looking into courses and resources to help - I couldn't do anything myself and felt suffocated and DH felt sad and rejected. That is the difference - DH felt awful and wanted things to change. Things did change and are much better now, ds and DH have things that are "theirs" and ds loves nothing more than the 3 of us being together.

That your dh seems happy and relaxed about hearing his son is expressing fear and sadness around their relationship is quite worrying.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 20/05/2024 18:31

This is not normal, and nor is your husband's reaction.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 20/05/2024 18:35

Honestly @Kusama that’s really troubling. He’s scared of his dad and his dad doesn’t care? What will happen when he’s older and answers back? Awful role model for him.

Soubriquet · 20/05/2024 19:01

My dh is firm with the kids. Sometimes I think too firm but nothing abusive. He would be devastated if he knew his kids were frightened of him. That’s the normal reaction. Being indifferent or even pleased is scary

Guardiansoulmates · 20/05/2024 19:04

I would take this extremely seriously actually. I'm concerned for your child. Neither of you seem to care about the fact that he is clearly stressed and feels unsafe. Get a grip.

Nosleepforthismum · 20/05/2024 19:09

My DS is younger so I’m not sure how normal it is for 5 year olds to say that sort of stuff but I do know that my DH would be devastated to hear his son say those things about him and would be taking steps to address it. Your DH’s attitude towards this is concerning.

CrispieCake · 20/05/2024 19:11

I would take this seriously actually. Your DH needs to work on his mood/temper around your DC, and also needs to work on respecting his children's boundaries more. He doesn't get to have the whole family on eggshells around him and to impose rough play even if it's not wanted by the DC - that's not how functional, respectful families work.

fatphalange · 20/05/2024 19:13

This is heartbreaking :( the 'rough play' alone would be enough to make me want to protect my child. I fucking hate when adults inflict this on children.

TheSnowyOwl · 20/05/2024 19:14

I don’t think it’s normal for a child to say this about a parent when at a calm time. I also think that if a five year old remembers that the pe teacher was mean, they probably did do something that stood out compared to the other teachers.

ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife · 20/05/2024 19:16

I mean on the face of it it’s alarming, for sure.

But. Last week I told my husband he was overreacting about something, and my 6 year old overheard. Since then she has said several times “daddy is just OVERREACTING isn’t he mum??” (he isn’t - I don’t think she knows what it means). I’m wondering - if you are kind of perpetuating an “isn’t daddy always grumpy” vibe, is that what your son is playing on?

Nubnut · 20/05/2024 19:16

I would see this as a huge gift from your son. He trusts you enough to tell you honestly how he feels. That’s not going to last forever, at some point he’s going to start masking it. Now you’re getting information, listen to it.

My advice is to tell your DH very lovingly and calmly, but clearly, what you think is causing your son to say these things.

He might get cross and defensive but watch and see if something changes. If it doesn’t after two weeks, bring it up again. And so on.

I would only be worried if he didn’t act at all on what you say.

GingerPirate · 20/05/2024 19:17

FFS.
Your poor son.
Problem is, you and your "DH" are presumably the only adults around.
😐

Cactuslove · 20/05/2024 19:20

I think I'd be concerned about both what is said and the context. Like a PP, no I don't take much notice when my son kicks off because I'm sending him to bed or whatever... but he doesn't become nervous at a noise thinking I'm around the corner. Those are two very different things. Husbands reaction also strange, the only things I can think is at least he isn't down playing it and hopefully what your son has said is the extent of it. But I'd not be happy tbh. Home and family should be safe places for kids to be themselves and to develop, make mistakes and learn.

Motnight · 20/05/2024 19:24

Op your son has literally told you that he finds his father scary.

His father has been told this and seems "almost pleased".

There's something wrong.

bakewellbride · 20/05/2024 19:44

Does he ever say stuff like that about you? Well there you go then, it needs to be taken seriously, it's not like he's randomly saying it about anyone and everyone.

AlwaysGinPlease · 20/05/2024 19:54

You should be very concerned OP. That is not normal. He is scared of your husband. Why would you not believe your child?

samqueens · 20/05/2024 20:01

As PP’s have said yes, this is something to take seriously. As your son trusts you enough to voice his feelings make sure you don’t minimize/dismiss these but validate them. (Which doesn’t mean saying “yes daddy is a grumpy git”, but means saying “it’s ok to be upset. What makes you feel that way? What can I do to help? Etc)

Two things which might be useful to keep in mind.

Firstly, children who are abused/have unreliable carers don’t usually hate the carer - their insecurity turns inwards over time and becomes self doubt/lack of confidence/self loathing etc. (You say he brought your H up after a hard day with friends at school - perhaps his relationship with his dad is what predicates how he feels at school and not the other way round?)

Secondly, as your H has had what can only be described as a completely unempathetic response to previous mention of this, you might want to take a moment to really consider what approach (if any) might work to shift his behaviour. If you don’t think he can/will change, then are you ok with that? How long do you think it’s ok for your son to feel this way and what actions would you consider to improve things for your DC? Do you think there’s any chance your H will perceive continued challenges by you on his parenting style as something to try and stop by taking it out in your son/minimising his feelings to his face/dismissing him etc?

I would highly recommend you read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? (read discretely, you can download on kindle app/Apple books if your accounts are private). See if it resonates at all. Also consider your H’s male role models and his relationship with them - does it fit this type of pattern as well?

Perhaps there’s a way to get through to him, but you might want a few days to think this through on your end to consider how best to achieve that. It doesn’t sound as though the scales are suddenly going to fall from his eyes because you bring it up again, and you don’t want DS in the middle. It sounds more as though he will lash out/blame you and DS/ minimise matters etc.

Good luck 💐

Beezknees · 20/05/2024 20:05

Please, please take him seriously. He is communicating his feelings to you in the only way he knows how.