To not take what a 5 year old says that seriously?

[Kusama]

I don't know how seriously to take my 5 year old.

My DH (DS dad) is hands on dad but also quite grumpy. He looks exasperated a lot of the time. He doesnt shout all that much but he doss have a pissed off vibe a lot. Sometimes he really loses his temper but not often. He is also very into rough play, so lots of throwing DS around which I find annoying as the last thing DS needs is being wound up. I think it's unfair on DS as he then gets told off for being hyper.

So my question. DS has started saying things like

"Can dad not live here anymore" "daddy is scary and naughty man" "I only love mummy" and just now after school DS heard a noise and said "oh no, is that daddy"

Pls don't jump down my throat but kids say all kinds of stuff dont they? DS also often tells me how he doesnt like so and so kid from school or some teacher is mean and that stuff I listen to him but don't obviously do anything about it!

Is DS saying stuff about DH unusual? I've told H and he seems quite relaxed/almost happy about it.

What does this "throwing him around" look like? That on its own would really worry me. Your husband will be huge in comparison to your five-year-old son. Aren't you frightened he will hurt him? Doesn't he consider he might? How would he feel if a 60 stone animal flung him around?

As for the moods and irritation and swearing and impatience - that must be really horrible. Your son will hear you appease that bully. What do you think he will learn from that?

The point is that you can't tell someone to change. It doesn't matter how much you tell him, that's who your husband is. All you can do is to tell him you're not going to live with it and remove yourself from the marriage. It's up to him, then. If he realises that you were justified (very doubtful) he might go to therapy and do a lot of work on himself. That's up to him.

I've just been to a wedding where the dad was there but had no relationship with the person getting married. Your husband needs to understand he'll be in that position one day. His own son won't want to see him. It's not that he needs to be told that, he needs to actually understand it.

Or H is the strict one and you let things go past you
But do ask him when he says things like that 'why' is he saying it , what has happened

I understand this and if your son's teacher is kind and sympathetic it might be worth mentioning in case he has said something at school OP. It sounds like your husband's constant moodiness is having an effect on your little one 😔 if it's making him anxious and feeling unsettled and worried in his home, it has to be addressed. Sending you a hug, this must be very hard for you 💐

So, my husband has 'moods' like this, where he can't help from letting his frustration with something show, even if its totally unrelated to me, he will be in a bad mood and let that seep into his interactions with me and also does the stomping around, moaning under his breath, swearing etc.
I basically read him the riot act, I told him it makes me feel like shit, maybe he's annoyed about something but unless its a really big problem, he can't let it affect the atmosphere in the house. It's uncomfortable and makes me feel like I have to be careful & accommodating to him because of something that is just a minor inconvenience to him.
I got his shit sorted before we had our daughter though. It still creeps in occasionally though as obviously we're more tired/stressed than ever now but I just always remind him how it makes me feel when he's in a bad mood about something, even if its not my fault, he manages to make it feel like it is because he's not regulating his emotions. He doesn't ever want to make our daughter feel like that which has helped him keep a handle on it.
He would be absolutely devastated if she said anything like what your son is saying about your husband. He'd be desperate to find ways to connect with her to make her feel safer.

i feel so sad. at work. can't focus. i don't know why my H is so unhappy with his lot and i do try to talk to him about it but he says there is no problem. he says it's hard living with small kids, money worries & he can't be happy all the time. we are always tired and broke. it's just crept and crept with how irritable he is. he would also says its because i'm a soft touch and the kids are attached to me because of that. sometimes i just wish he would just leave us alone and go off with someone else or something. i always listen to my children. people on here say - i must do something - well the only thing i can do is leave. i can't make H happier.

OP sorry to hear you're feeling so sad, it sounds like your were hoping there was nothing wrong and the above post sounds like you've been trying to gloss over your feelings.

His mood/personality is not a reflection of you or your children. He is right that having a family is hard, was he like this before children? If not then he may be struggling himself.

You can't help or change people that don't want to be helped. Do you have family or close friends that could have the children and you have a proper talk with him? Trying to bring up a sensitive subject after work and when the kids have gone to bed is probably not the best time if you're both tired- he is more likely to become dismissive and defensive. Is it possible for him to spend a few days or week elsewhere-with family or a hotel? Then not only does he get a break but so do you and DC. Then you can actually focus on finding out what the problem is.

You can see from my precious posts that I agree that it is concerning about what your son has said and your husbands reaction.

Of course you should put your children first

Maybe he is a quieter lad and your DH likes more rough type play? It is concerning that your DS seems unhappy about your DH. If you speak to DH then dont get fobbed off "Its only playing,or I want to toughen him up" Not acceptable behaviour.Some me are quite physical and your DS may not appreciate it!

While your H is right that it’s hard to live with small kids and money worries, he’s an adult and has a responsibility to manage his feelings. I was also depressed as found it hard etc but instead of expecting of my family to put up with my moods I went to therapy and took mood stabilizers- because that’s what adults do. I didn’t want them to feel that the house is nicer and calmer without me than when I’m there, which will inevitably happen to you if he continues.
Don’t let it go OP, if he wants a family he has to change/ do something about it.

Oh, gosh, no that's not normal at all. And also not normal that your H is happy about it!! Please listen to your DS. There is something wrong.

Good luck with your meeting with DS's teacher. I hope it helps.