Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

Im feeling suffocated just reading this. Way too intense, way too much touching, way too many boundaries being crossed, way too many red flags. If you're not ready to end things you could try couples therapy. Loves not enough. She needs to be willing to respect your boundaries, listen to you and back the fuck up with all the possessive smothering behaviour. No matter the reason for her behaviours, they're incredibly damaging to any person she's in a relationship with and to herself as well. That's providing she's not a garden variety abuser. The tell is whether she's willing to accept this behaviour is unhealthy and work on actually changing it or not. Watch her behaviour not her words, verbal commitments mean nothing if her actions doesn't show she is actually working to change things.

As other pps have already stated, if this were a man the replies would be nowhere near as kind as they are. It would be simple "just get the f*ck out"
I truly believe you need to end this now, block all channels of communication, don't let her manipulate you ( any more than she already is) don't give in to it, for your own and your children's sakes

I didn’t think there was any overly concerning until your last bullet point about her disapproving of all your friends and of you going out with them and them not liking her. And the other point about her sulking if you don’t see her. These things are red flags to me because they are usually the first signs of control/coercion. Before I read these points I was just thinking she’s insecure & this is a classic case of anxious and avoidant people together in a relationship.
Id say firstly sit down and communicate all this to her if you like her a lot & want to try make it work but honestly I feel it probably won’t change sounds like she needs to do a lot of healing and work on herself as these issues are usually deep rooted from childhood.

She's actually not mentally well enough to be in a relationship. She needs professional help, and to focus on that. You cannot do it for her.

She won't allow you to be you. She doesn't accept your no, you're not permitted boundaries. It's all about her. Very narcissistic (there are a variety of narcissistic types, they're not all the loudmouth march-over-everyone sort). Exceptionally controlling and using mind games to get you back in line. The isolation from your friends, as pointed out, is a major red flag (in a sea of red flags).

Going by the tears behaviour, I'd just like to flag something with you. If/when you break up, it's possible she will threaten suicide. If that happens, it's manipulation. You are not the best person to help her in a situation like this, call emergency services. This may help get her on the road towards the support she actually needs.

It's sad and it's hard, but her life is her responsibility. Your life is your responsibility. She's trying to take your life over, you need to extract yourself.

The touching, air con , cleaning up etc could be nice and thoughtful but when you tell her no she doesn't listen. So it's smothering.

The not liking you seeing your friends, insisting on seeing you everyday is controlling.

I suspect it would only get worse the more you commit. I'm guessing you already have to think about how she will react to something's and is it worth the grief. You are adapting your life to meet her needs but she doesn't respect your.

That’s because with men there is a genuine high risk violence you simply do not see anywhere near as often as with women. The vast majority of coercive, abusive & violent relationships involve men being the perpetrator. Can people who always churn out “ah but if it were the other way round…” please take the time to consider this. It is just not completely comparable.

She’s not a sweet person.

She’s very manipulative. Being sweet at times doesn’t change her nature anymore than violent person being nice sometimes doesn’t change theirs

Abusive relationships come in many forms and it’s very easy to miss someone’s controlling nature if they do it in a ‘nice’ way.

Yes, agree. I have already posted twice saying I think this relationship should end and that the OP's partner is controlling and smothering and has lots of red flags. I did think in an earlier post that if the OP's partner was a man I'd be really worried about potential violence as part of the break up process. Not that it's impossible with a woman, but it's less likely.

No - you don't see it as often, but Some Women CAN be and ARE Violent towards their partners ( and children). It's a myth that women never physically attack their partners. It is also true that some men will not react violently to their partners even when they are being physically attacked

In any case, abuse of any kind, by either Men or Women, even if not physical should never be tolerated

Blimey, she's very full on! How long have you been together?

Not RTFT but yes a few red flags there and it wouldnt surprise me one little bit if, in a while, you got married or she got her feet under the table and felt you were dependent, she would flip into the really nasty kind of controlling, overtly controlling what you eat and when, what friends you have, whether you're allowed out of her sight etc. Just sounds like she's going to a LOT of effort to lovebomb here.

Just over a year

It’s already bad enough without violence. Control doesn’t have to mean fear for your physical safety. And that being said, DV happens in same sex relationships too. I get your point about how a woman may not be as likely to physically overpower you in the same way as some men, but that doesn’t diminish the seriousness of this behaviour. It should be taken just as seriously as if it were a man.

You are not being unreasonable- this is a very unhealthy dynamic. It’s time to put boundaries in place. Tell her that you cannot carry on like this and you’re feeling completely suffocated and want her to get some help. You’re under no obligation to do this but from the vibe of your posts, I think this will be easier for you.. codependency is a two person dance and usually one person wants to dance more than the other.. it will do you good to have some therapy too. But be very clear to tell her that any pics of sobbing are emotional manipulation and that it’s precisely that behaviour that has to stop.
You’re clearly a caring person and she’s more damaged than anything but it’s very unhealthy. Who knows, maybe you’ll both come through this? But work on yourself and be open with her about what boundaries are. If you choose that you want to end it, yes she will be upset but you can’t sacrifice yourself to keep someone else wrapped in cotton wool. And ultimately it will actually make her see the consequences of her actions.
🤗

Although it's difficult splitting up with someone you have feelings for, especially if they're being emotionally manipulative, there are multiple red flags here, as others have said. If being in a relationship is important to you, it should be by your own choosing, not to please someone else. She may well be upset if you choose to end things with her, and it might be hard for her initially, but that happens the world over when relationships end. It's not your fault, and she will get over it.

You didn't cause this
And you can't "fix her"

You say she had a difficult background. That means she has learnt bad ways of interacting with people. She has also learnt to be insecure in her attachment. She has a lack of self worth and is seeking reassurance and trying to placate you at all times.

I would really suggest getting out. As your priorities have to be yourself and your children. She needs to seek real help to heal herself, and doesn't sound ready for a relationship

That sounds like a mother looking after an infant.

It sounds like she’s probably got an anxious attachment, likely caused by her experience of childhood trauma, and she manages that by trying to control you. That’s not to say I think all of the behaviours you’ve outlined are abusive, although they’re certainly suffocating and enough to give you the ick, but there are a fair few behaviours which would be considered abusive. This image might be helpful in thinking about what behaviours are abusive.

The ultimate problem is that she is too emotionally immature to recognize the problem: to recognize that she has a problem. Whether you think of it as a trauma response (hypervigilance, fawning) or an attachment disorder (anxious attachment style, lack of object permanence, inability to tolerate separation from love object) or co-dependency she can’t help herself because all these things are her solution to her problem, not a problem in and of themselves.

And for her separation from you, your independence, any social or physical distance, is intolerable. She can’t accept it. She won’t work on it. And she will become more frantic the more you , even gently, assert yourself.

You have to end this for your sake and your dc sake. This is horribly dysfunctional and you will end up shrinking your life to fit her.

This sounds incredibly suffocating! Yanbu and you need to talk to her - spell out everything you’ve put in your op and make it clear you can’t carry on with the relationship unless she backs off a lot because this is just too much.

I'm sorry @Dancehalldarling but after reading your updates it sounds completely untenable and unhealthy. I've had relationships with damaged people and it's hard not to sympathise and forgive them for crap but not seemingly harmful behaviours. I'd say I'm damaged but I've worked hard to deal with past abuse and be a decent member of the community. Some people unfortunately can't /won't sort themselves out and she, currently, is one of them.
Get rid, but maybe get support from friends in anticipation of a backlash.
Good luck with it all

The pawing does drive me insane. I get quite overstimulated by that sort of thing. Wherever we are let’s say a queue or at a till waiting to pay she’ll be stroking my hips or back with the back of her hand. If I say I’m not in the mood for all this she takes offence and says her love language is physical touch so feels she needs to be always touching me

So you are not allowed boundaries because she has her needs

She thinks you need to be treated like a princess but won’t allow you to do anything you want

when I’ve tried to break it off in the past (due to DC and not being ready to move on with someone new) she’s sent me streams of pictures of her absolutely crying her eyes out

She's done WHAT?! This is awful behaviour on her part. SO manipulative. MASSIVE red flag.

she really is such a sweet person

Yeah, the thing is, she really isn't.

All these 'sweet' and 'nice' and 'caring' things she does are not actually for you. You really need to stop framing it as her wanting to make you happy. That isn't what it is. She's doing it for herself because it makes her feel like she's a saintly caring person, and that in turn makes her feel superior.

I'm guessing that she actually bloody loves it when you're unhappy or sad about something (eg your friends) because she then gets to enjoy comforting you and telling you that you don't need them because you've got her to look after you.

It's all manipulation, OP. She might not even be aware of it herself, but that is absolutely what it is and you need to run for the hills. This relationship is going to be hellish if you continue it.

I suspect when you break up with her (because you DO have to break up with her) she will become hysterical, angry, accuse you of ruining her life, will bombard you with messages that will alternately be sweet/calm and then overwrought/distressed, will keep badgering you to meet for 'closure', may threaten to harm herself, etc. DO NOT be taken in by it and DO NOT stay in contact with her.

Get rid of her, she sounds awful.

You have inadvertently got into a relationship with a controlling mother who you have to walk on eggshells around for fear of 'upsetting' her.

Any suggestion of 'separateness' is experienced by her as hurtful.

If she loves lemon cake, I bet you are afraid to say 'No I don't like lemon cake' because she'd be feel personally attacked by that.

She won't grow out of this.

When ending it, make it all your fault:
"I've changed my mind about wanting to be in a relationship"
"Being single suits me better, I prefer that way and I've made my decision. Sorry for hurting your feelings"
Don't get into any discussions just keep it you've made a decision and that's it.