Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

Just curious – what’s the rationale behind OP ‘making it all her fault’? Is the idea to pre-empt the GF insisting she will change, etc. (which inevitably won’t happen)?

Jesus that’s bloody weird, the crying photos; this level of control and emotional black mail is abusive, how you’re declaring you love her ans she’s sweet I simply cannot fathom,

she’s emotionally abusive, controlling,and will not stop till she isolates you totally.

get out op.

Imagine sending someone a picture of you crying or crying yourself to sleep. That’s so bloody disturbing.

This rings very true. My then best friend told me at the start of the relationship she was manipulative as she has a history of drug use from a very young age and will have learned how to manipulate people as a result of that to get what she wants. This was all following her going missing for 2 weeks and essentially cheated on me with her physically abusive ex. As far as I was concerned, she was at breaking point through trauma and needed an outlet, pushed me away because I cared for her and she wasn’t used to it.

she has been profoundly sorry since this happened, and has completely changed her ways. I mean genuinely sorry - I’d like to think I can tell the difference. That said I can’t help but think that if I weren’t in the picture she wouldn’t have done that or changed. I often wonder if this is a character she’s playing to keep me - though the thought makes me sick. She says I saved her life.

I also realise how bizarre this is all sounding (as I’m writing it). It’s hard to paint a full picture when using snippets on a forum. Overall, we have been happy. We have worked through trust issues and she has treated me kindly.

I am a professional - and I’d like to think intelligent - woman who has never experienced and never thought I would experience anything of the sort of a manipulative relationship. The circles she runs in are the polar opposite of what I know. That said I don’t judge people on their past and take people as I see them and how they are with me.

Im have quite an intense feeling of awakening all of a sudden.

Following your update @Dancehalldarling

When she disappeared early on and you took her back she realised she could walk all over your boundaries then.
Unfortunately you lowered the standards and now she can't let you go as who else can she cheat on that will take her back?

How long were you separated from your Ex before you met/started a relationship with her?

She’s also cheated on you??

Men are statistically more likely to be violent, although there are many violent women too and lots of men do suffer physical abuse from their partners (and most of those men never retaliate). Men rarely come forward to talk about it, though, and often when they do it gets laughed off or dismissed because of the physical strength issue.

Women are every bit as likely to be coercive and controlling, though. It just doesn't get recognised as much.

I'm a former victim of domestic violence at the hands of a man. I have no interest whatsoever in playing down violence against women - quite the opposite. But I also despair at people who think women aren't dangerous too.

Domestic violence by women is more common than you think.

Violence in general by women is more common than you think.

Paedophilia and child sex abuse by women is more common than you think.

Sexual assault of women by other women is more common than you think.

Coercive control and emotional abuse of partners by women is absolutely as common as coercive control and emotional abuse by men.

@DoubleeDenim Yes. If the OP makes it all about her, then hopefully the controlling partner has less fodder to use to claw their way back in.

Sounds like she has no respect for personal space.

I'd get super annoyed if someone was always touching me or constantly going on even after a no.

After reading the update, 14 messages is extreme.

Your updates suggest that she needs intensive therapy imo, and is not ready for a relationship.
IDK how you can end the relationship without hurting her feelings by saying that, or having to mange her behaviour. I think you should take advice about how to end things from an organisation such as Women's Aid, and put a plan in place.

I'm not sure she's being manipulative for a very malevolent reason - I am getting a strong vibe that she has an anxious attachment style and hasn't processed past traumas in a healthy way. I have acted like her in some ways in the past, before I had a ton of therapy. Her behaviour goes a lot further than mine ever did, though, and it seems she is acting in an abusive and controlling way. The thing is that even if she isn't the devil incarnate, it seems unlikely she'll be able to work on herself within the context of your relationship. It really sounds like it would be best for both of you if things ended.

The negative impact of all of this on you shouldn't be downplayed just because she has her own trauma. You are being controlled and isolated from your friends, that really isn't good, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. Just remember that her problems aren't something you have any responsibility to help with.

Hi @Dancehalldarling , I had some of this with a new GF, I even started a thread about our first date. I was overwhelmed, by attentiveness!
We did not last long. I realised that although she could be fun, glam parties etc she did not treat me as I wanted.
I now have a new GF who is much more relaxed, We had a very nice walk in the country yesterday. Bliss!

Oh god the sound of this makes me cringe! Way way too intense.

I am also gay and same sex female relationships are always very intense! Especially at the beginning. However, this is a different level and strikes me as a form of control. she is love bombing then will isolate you from your friends and family and then the true colours will come out when you have no one. Luckily you seem pretty switched on and can see all of the red flags. Stick her in the bin! Or at least try to, from my experience female ex’s pop up over and over again regardless of how hard you try to get rid.

Doesnt matter how strong and capable you are, in fact after dealing with my exH I think these people get a kick out of nibbling away at someone so 'high' to bring them so low, and the bigger the height from which you fall, the bigger the thrill they get. I'm a big stroppy cow of a woman that no one would believe could be manipulated, yet I was.

I think the filming of herself crying would have done it for me. Who the hell does that?
Not wishing to sound cruel but I think I would struggle not to start laughing if someone sent me that

Get out, get out now...

It doesn't matter wether she is intentionally manipulating or controlling you or if this is some unintentional side effect of her own poor mental health.

She is controlling you.
She isn't respecting your boundaries.
She is very clearly not in the right place to be in a serious relationship.

It is not your job or responsibility to 'fix' her, thats for her to do, and she'll actually stand a better shot of doing that without being in a relationship.

this made my skin crawl. I can't think of anything worse than this. Maybe some people like it, but it's clear you dont!

I think there’s a mix of potential red flags & normal (for some people) behaviour here, and probably also an element of you getting the ick/going off the person anyway making you see things differently.

Some of the things you mentioned I think are probably just ways she expresses her love, for example carrying your bags, making sure you are warm enough, checking that you have eaten, it’s acts of service and for some people that would be perfect. My husband is a bit like that, he loves to take care of me and I love that! Equally the physical touch/holding hands etc, for some people that’s their way of showing love, I wouldn’t say that’s a red flag but it just may not be for you and that’s totally fine! These things in and of themselves I don’t think are red flags however if you have told her you don’t like these things and she continues to do them then that would be the concern for me- you decide and communicate your own boundaries and if she is crossing them then that is not okay.

There are however things here that are red flags in my opinion- the issues with your friends for example. It may be time to have a proper think about what it is you want and if this person is who you want it with x

The photos or videos of herself crying would have been enough for me. That is incredibly manipulative.

You sound brilliant and you deserve someone who brings out the best in you, not someone who's trying to restrict you in every possible way.

Sounds a little much but perhaps her love language is acts of service and this is how she shows her affection naturally. What's your love language? Perhaps you need an open conversation about how you feel, and how you'd like to receive love?

It sounds like my old boss (minus the tactile stuff!). It was suffocating especially as she got hurt if I didn’t show enough gratitude. It was so wonderful breaking free of her when I moved jobs.

Regardless of whether it's controlling or not, it sounds like it's really annoying you which is reason enough to break up. There's no point being with someone who is driving you mad with all their little behaviours! (Lots of this would also really wind me up too - I'm sure there are some people who would like it - but I'm not one of them and neither are you and that's what really matters)

This was all following her going missing for 2 weeks and essentially cheated on me with her physically abusive ex. As far as I was concerned, she was at breaking point through trauma and needed an outlet, pushed me away because I cared for her and she wasn’t used to it.

Fucking hell OP, you apparently have your own issues you need to work on. Why do you think you would be better than a professional helping a person at breaking point? Do you have a saviour complex? It sounds like you both have bad (red flag) issues and you definitely shouldn't be together. Get therapy to work on your boundaries, your self esteem, and why you feel the need to fix others. Walk away, you are harming each other.