Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

I haven't read the comments so just responding to the OP.

I think all of the other things on your list could be seen as sweet/endearing/eager and maybe a bit misguided, but the red flag for me is the sulking and the not liking your friends. I would be a bit worried here and might disengage especially if it is a new relationship.

Yes that does sound a bit weird controlling and infantalising .

You are a professional, adult woman and mother. Run the fuck away from this dysfunctional situation.

I genuinely felt tense reading your posts. Nobody needs this much drama and infantilisation.

Have you read all of OP's posts?

She’s read this thread!

HI NUTJOB!

What stands out to me is that you tried to end the relationship because it was adversely affecting your kids. Then she emotionally blackmailed you and you took her back. You put her happiness before your own children!
It can't be great for the kids to have their mum in a relationship with a very emotionally unstable woman. Someone who wants to be with their mum all the time, who attempts suicide, who hangs out with criminals, who won't leave their mum alone, who sends photos of herself crying if ever their mum wants a bit of space.
You're choosing to stay with her because she might attempt suicide. That's no basis for a relationship. Whatever she chooses to do to herself is not your responsibility. It's 100% her decision.
She's clearly very mentally unwell and not the sort of person you should be bringing in to your children's lives.
It's time to be strong and start putting your children first.

What makes you think she's read it? Hope OP is ok

Just to point out here, there is no issue with someone being polite and carrying bags/opening doors, it's basic manners... But not to the point of badgering, pestering, taking over and doing it or sulking when someone refused! That is a massive issue.

OP you may well be in love with each other, but you're clearly switched on enough to realise that that "love" from her side, isn't natural. She is driving you away. 14 messages is absolutely ridiculous!!! Doesn't she have her own life, work, any other interests, friends?
I think you really do need to deal with this sooner rather than later, it's not love, it's obsession and it's not right, you can't possibly spend your life with a person as obsessional as this, she will consume you ❤

Oh geeze OP. You don't tell a mentally unwell person like her that you want space (breaking up) but you still love them, like that. That is giving them very mixed signals where they will be getting highs (she loves me!) to lows (she doesn't want me!).

She will never change, so what do you really want from this? To continue this relationship as it is, or freedom and self confidence to be yourself? There is no middle ground.

Just be aware that you may get texts threatening suicide if she’s had attempts/threats before. I’m speaking from bitter experience there.

What I found stopped them was to screenshot them and send them to my exes sister. That way I wasn’t encouraging them

I agree, I’m astounded at the text the op sent. It really makes the op look as bad as the partner, I’ve lost my self, I need soace, I love you. That’s not a break up on any planet.

The fact she very suddenly switched to apologetic and sheepish.

Op, is this a reverse, are you the partner you’re posting about? No one sends that weird I’ve lost myself text and gets a Simple sure you’ve got it , back, normally it would be what’s wrong, are you ok, not yeah bye then,

something isn’t right here, no one tells a partner if a year they need space and get a sure thing back with no discussion, and certainly not from someone needy as you’re portraying.

are you posting about yourself in reverse?

There was no apology in there or anything sheepish , it was basically a short brush off, and a very odd one at that, who responds to a partner like that. You’d say why what’s up, you ok etc, not basically phew.

Agree with PP that you are sending her mixed messages here. If you want to end the relationship you need to do so in a very clear and unambiguous way. Telling her you love her is going to give her the opposite impression.

There’s a very high risk that she will threaten suicide/other extreme behaviour once you tell her the relationship is over, because that’s the only way people like this know to behave when things don’t go their way. You will just have to keep your distance and weather the storm until she finds someone else, otherwise she will keep drawing you back in and you’ll never be free.

I couldn't tolerate that, it would drive me insane Having to see you every day/sulking/disapproving of your friends is seriously red-flaggy too.

It’s annoying me just reading about it. I wouldn’t last five minutes with someone who did this

Sounds like love-bombing to me. She will be constantly underfoot, and expect you to dedicate all yourself to her in the same way.

🚩🚩red flags all over this one for me!

All seems very teenage and dysfunctional, I would run for the hills. But why not speak to her like an adult instead of sending her vague texts? The whole thing is weird to
me.

I can’t bear these people who claim they are the way they are because of their past and who expect special treatment/understanding of it.

And what’s with the posters saying she’s unwell/maybe she means well/she clearly loves the OP yada yada yada.

If this was a man nobody would be saying anything of the sort, even with regard to the mental health aspect.

The relationships boards are full of posters whose ex’s send them emotionally manipulative messages, who claim they’re self harming/are going to commit suicide/who can’t live without them etc.

The fact she’s female doesn’t make that any different.

She’s an emotionally abusive, coercive controlling, manipulative cow who isn’t beyond using suicide as a manipulation tactic.

For the posters criticising the OP for taking the softly softly approach, likely it’s because of this manipulation because threatening suicide or having admitted to attempting it in the past is a powerful emotional tool. It’s very easy for those of us who aren’t doing the ignoring to say “just ignore her if she says that,” it’s far different when you’re the one being sent the messages.

OP this relationship is going nowhere. Not ever.

You need to be rid of her. Change the locks on the off chance she has a key to your house, tell her its over and block her number so she can’t send you any kind of manipulative shite.

How long have you been together? People with ADHD can be a bit obsessed/intense in the early stages of a relationship but it passes. I appreciate this isn't your personal ADHD style but I understand it is quite common.

The infantilisation is very pronounced.

OP before I found your update saying you had dcs ( who sounded youngish) I was trying to think of a “non- ageist” way of asking if you were … well… really quite old and frail. Invalided almost - because that’s what your examples in your early posts brought to mind. I think she’s trying to make herself indispensable to you. That in itself is a form of control.

Edited.
I started reading the thread full of sympathy but it has evaporated - the truth about the other woman is clear to see, what aren't you telling us about yourself?

Her associates range from burglars to murderers? I have no idea why you think she can ever be around your dc. Don’t let her hoover you back in.