Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

God, that sounds nauseatingly overbearing. I'd be putting the skids on this relationship. Way, way, way too intense. I don't think it's normal behaviour, regardless of gender

You need to be far more specific about what you mean when you say "I need space". Is that a break up or just a request for a time out? She is manipulative and controlling, but you are sending a very confusing message here and just opening the door to endless concerned messages from her to you (and, as @Allthehorsesintheworld suggests, to your family/friends) etc.

I think you should say, "Thank you. I'm sorry this relationship hasn't worked out and I wish you all the best".

Having said that, you've been together long enough I'm amazed you couldn't do this via a phone call at least?

I don’t know why but it’s even worse that it’s polaroids. This just reminded me of Brian from Spaced for some reason

Please block now OP.
As when the I feel like killing myself messages start coming it won't be nice for you.
No one should have that put on them especially not to make you stay with them.

Stay string OP I'd you do decide not to block her and she messages you may need to be clearer it's is over.
Good luck OP

It's not going to be that simple.

Oh yes.

Also the messages in which she, on the surface, takes responsibility but in a way that ensures she is STILL the victim, "I know, I know, I'm a terrible person and so clingy but I can't help it, I've had so much trauma and I love you so much and I thought I could just be myself with you. No wonder you hate me."

Yes I’m aware it won’t be that simple, but nor do I want to go in all guns blazing. It’s better if I start with this and phase out. She’s attempted suicide 4 times in the past and been hospitalised as a result. I don’t want to have to deal with that

Hate to say it but those attempts must have brought her an awful lot of attention. Lots of people must be on eggshells around her now.

It gets better and better...

You aren't responsible for giving yourself to maintain her will to live. You are not her hostage to death.

Oh OP your last update 😦
Please please don't let her put that on you.
If you get any messages like that ring for support for her and tell them it's because you have ended it and won't be manipulated back.

Is it bad I'm also curious as to what triggered her last attempts.

If she threatens suicide, phone her an ambulance. Don’t go over there!

Phasing out is not the answer, but I understand it's easy for us on the internet to tell you why this is a mistake.

@Dancehalldarling , I think you need to be very specific with regard to your request for space. What does this mean to you? You need to accurately convey this because if you don't then she will simply double down on her neediness and manipulation.

I appreciate that you love this girl but I don't think she is in a position to be in a relationship. You've received some truly wonderful advice on this thread, some of it is so incredibly insightful, and I agree that you are being manipulated and controlled and that if you let this continue then you will find yourself in an extremely toxic situation that will be night on impossible to extricate yourself from.

Decide what it is you want. If you want out then you need to rip the plaster off.

This is chilling. Crystal clear red-flag bunting, love bombing, coercive control, abusive relationship.

If she were male, you'd be getting much stronger LTB responses.

Run for the hills now, OP. That message exchange is not going to be the end of it. Can you rally your friends for support while you definitively end things?

Your challenge is not dealing with her, it is figuring out why you've missed all the red flags and allowed this for a year. Freedom Programme?

Women can be abusive the same as men.
LTB=Leave the bitch.

In the nicest possible way, that won’t last. She will be bombarding you by the end of today. Watch this space….

I’m not sure it was a good idea to say that you love her.

Space is too vague.

If you intend to end it (and I really would) then say that.

If she tells you she's going to kill herself or harm herself, send the police round for a welfare check. That is the most you should do. Do not respond, just send the police round. If she is NOT actually going to attempt suicide or self harm, then thats her problem and the polices problem, not yours.

Make her family and any key friends of hers aware when you end the relationship then hand it over. It’s not your responsibility to manage her mental health, and her mental health shouldn’t come at a cost of your freedom from control.

If she even lasts until the end of today, I'd be expecting any or all of the following;

Threats of self harm
Photos of self harm
Hospital bed photo
'Heart Attack'
Attack from one of the 'criminals'
Fall down the stairs/seizure
Text or voicemail 'to say goodbye'
Cancer - suspected either in her or a family member
Pretending none of this happened and everything's absolutely fine
Lyrics of songs about death
A 'criminal' family member wants to kill you, but she bravely defended you from them
Has been mugged
Need to talk to you about something really urgent and private
Disclosure of something else awful that she says happened to her
You were the only chance I had of a family

and some angry stuff, too - proper narcissistic rage. This can include disclosure of fucking somebody else just to make you hurt, whether it's true or not, trying to discredit your businesses, false reports to social services, etc, etc.

Klingons don't let go easily. Not when you had so much that they want (home, car, nicer friends or family in her eyes). Be ready for the claws.

OP am glad you’ve made moves to separate yourself, but don’t be surprised if she feels there’s a time limit on how long you’re allowed to have space for. She won’t interpret that as ‘breaking up’ just having a day or two to yourself.

From what you’ve described and the text, I am going to assume she may start calling you and checking up on you within a day or so. At which point you will have to make sure you have your defence strategy in place.

Good luck.

You can’t appease an abuser, and that’s what she is regardless of her own history. It’s coercive control, and recognised as domestic abuse. Her suicide attempts/threats are a classic example.

Do the Freedom Programme as suggested. Your attempt to ease out won’t work, and it won’t help her accept it. The best thing you can do for you, and your DC is end it quickly and block her. It ‘s like ripping a plaster. Otherwise you’ll continue to become more emeshed in what is ( regardless of you loving each other, and her good points etc) an abusive relationship.

Dancehalldarling
There’s a very true saying ( please think long and hard on this)
Dont rescue to the point where you have to be rescued

This sounds like my ex who I ended up literally running away from at the end, I even left my stuff and never came back for it because I couldn't stand a single more minute of him. The only thing missing is that every time I left the house he texted me saying he misses me already and hopes I come back. All I can say is RUN.