Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

Fuck me, she has burglars phoning her up, she mixes with people who've been to prison, she never leaves you alone, she constantly messages you, she wants to see you every single day when you have children would obviously love to spend time with you AND she sends photos of herself bawling when you've had an argument?

Come on, OP, don't be daft!

Do you know for certain whether she's gone to prison?

Are you getting anything positive from this relationship? :/

You've already told her how she makes you feel. It is needy and I can understand how annoying it must be.
If you still have feelings for her it might need a honest conversation as otherwise it'll only get worse.

There's nice and being too nice. Don't stop going out with your friends she has to accept you have your own life too and also it's up to you who your friends are, even if she's not keen on them.

If she doesn't change then well you can't carry on like that can you.

Ps I didn't read all the posts.. Missed that she mixes with unsavoury characters not good!

I watched a programme last night called 'Red Flag.' The way you've described your girlfriend sounds like she could be the same person in the programme. Turned into a right controlling violent bitch. Dump her OP and soon.

Claims she’s damaged from past trauma and abusive relationships… I wonder whether she was in fact the abuser?

Either way you’re best off running a mile and be prepared for escalation when you end it.

I think this sums it up.

I'm feeling smothered just reading about it. She really isn't a sweet person, OP. She's terrifying.

RUN!

Her friends have been to prison for things from burglary, to murder. I wish I was joking. She hasn’t seen the latter since knowing me, but the burglar is constantly on the phone asking to borrow money. She comes from a really really lovely and well off family and seems to have been led astray due to trauma.

I know lots of people who have had traumatic lives, including to some extent myself. Just a few of them use it as an excuse to go "astray."

I’d walk away. That’s way too many red flags and if the relationship carries on you’ll probably introduce your dc at some point…. Does that seem like a good idea?

Why are you with her??? 🙄

Well that was easy!

OP - I really realyl hope, for your sake, that it is that easy. But I doubt it. Be prepared for the emails/messages/photos/calls to start. The begging, the pleading.

And frankly, the "I'll giv eyou space" and your request for space are vague. What does that mean? Space for a day? Less contact? A week? No contact for a short period?

I don't think you've dodged this bullet at all.

The posters questioning the South London ‘leading people astray’ thing.

I mean, I don’t even live in London or the South, and I’m aware of this culture in South London. Not by any means saying it’s an excuse for bad behaviour, but I do understand the connection between environment, culture and identity, and how living somewhere where crime is normalised makes it more likely to be drawn into those circles than if you live in some leafy suburb.

Again – no excuse for involvement in crime, but does make it more comprehendible than if someone had never been exposed to this sort of thing.

It's a good start OP, well done

She needs therapy, not a relationship, right now.

She is suffocating and manipulative, and you're already adapting your behaviour so as not to set hers off. Her pictures of her sobbing and crying herself to sleep when you try to end things is incredibly manipulative.

I think you need to really consider ending things.

Now block 🚫 OP

I give it a day before you start to get bombarded with messages - maybe less. Stay strong.

I wouldn't relax just yet. Nothing is properly resolved really is it? Is she clear you no longer want a relationship with her - or anyone? Are you? 🌹

Don't get complacent. I had this recently and sent a similar message, and got a similar response. Less than two days later he had contacted my mum 'to check sparkl is okay but I'm giving her space atm'. They've met briefly just once ffs.

She is obviously clingy and that doesn't just switch off overnight. Expect her to contact you about something completely inane/unnecessary shortly <cynical>.

I agree @GingerIsBest .
I found the sending of photos of her crying particularly disturbing.
Be prepared for the begging, maybe threatening self harm.
But ending the relationship, being very firm it’s over, is by far the best.

She will not respect your request for space.

👆 This is guaranteed

Sent you photos of her crying? This is massively manipulative! God my absolute stalker of an ex did this to me when I was 19 except it was take Polaroids of him crying and put them through my door in an envelope. Massive ick, massive red flag