Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

Jeez! You're not her child. No wonder you feel suffocated. I'd run for the hills.

My mother has much better respect for boundaries than this! This woman is scarily controlling. Get out now before she turns angry and nasty. It will come.

The circles she runs in are the polar opposite of what I know.

You can tell a lot about someone by the company they keep.

@Aquarelles, no, but it's a fact that different people show their affection in different ways, and that's something worth understanding in any relationship.

Some of the other stuff, like about not liking the friends, though, sounds like trouble. Overall I would find this too needy at best.

Fair point - I scanned it and was referring to points 1-7, the hand holding etc.

Last 2 points are a bit creepy

can you please tell me where I said women can’t be coercive or abusive too? I didn’t. And no, statistically women are NOT as abusive or coercive as men- there’s a massive disparity. Yeh it may be that there’s more abuse by women than is reported- I’m not disputing that-but it’s quite a huge leap of you to state that the numbers are equal. It’s VASTLY higher in men as is physical violence therefore the as is the threat to women. Please don’t try to make out that women are under the same threat in relationships with women than they are men. That’s extremely ignorant of the facts.

Sorry if I've missed this, but how long have you been together?

If it's a fairly new relationship then you shouldn't be feeling like this as it should be exciting and fun.

I'm very independent so I would HATE to treated like this.

She wants to mother you, not be your equal - sounds like she likes to be needed. Which on the surface sounds nice and caring but she’s way too intense. Get rid. If you don’t, years down the line if she gets abusive she’ll play the victim, ‘’After everything I do for you’’ etc.

Run OP ! Your posts sound like the beginning of a horror movie to me

Best done quickly.

I have the ick without meeting her and she cheated on you wtf.

Sending photos of her crying is very calculated behaviour.

There’s a Ruth Rendell short story called The Clinging Woman, OP. I think the collection is called The Fallen Curtain and other stories. It’s way old now, but somehow just really resonates with me for you. If you can get hold of it, I’d recommend a read for some external perspective.

She sent pics of herself crying?!

Yeah. She’s nuts.

Sounds like you’ve got the ick

Your updates make this more and more scary. Please end it, for your own sake and your children’s.

I don't think you need to be scared, but I do think you should end the relationship. Doing it now while she's being so intense would be a really good time to end it.

I don't the disparity is as massive as you think: www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/10927507/Women-are-more-controlling-and-aggressive-than-men-in-relationships.html#:~:text=Women%20are%20more%20likely%20than,relationship%20more%20often%20than%20men

Thank you all so very much for your kindness, insight, and useful advice.

I am 100% looking at things very differently now and can see how wrong this is. As I said there are many layers to this whole scenario, but to go into detail would be extremely outing and I’m already feeling uneasy! I’ve tried to keep it factual with regards to the smothering and not stray off into other issues.

what I will say is that I don’t think she would ever be violent to me, she is a semi-pro fighter (I won’t say which sport) and could absolutely overpower me but I am confident she would never raise a hand to me, nor would I allow it.

Her friends have been to prison for things from burglary, to murder. I wish I was joking. She hasn’t seen the latter since knowing me, but the burglar is constantly on the phone asking to borrow money. She comes from a really really lovely and well off family and seems to have been led astray due to trauma. Her family sort of make me feel responsible for “fixing her” but I’m sure they don’t intend to do that.

she lived in south London so I’m told these things are quite easy to fall upon (I’m north London) but I suppose it’s your character that keeps you on the straight and narrow.

I can’t reply individually as too many posts have accumulated since I’ve last been on but I am reading them all - thank you!

I am also seeking therapy for those that have suggested due to my constant need to “be there” for people

You are giving her and her family a lot of benefit of the doubt here

She’s not your responsibility, and you shouldn’t accept her poor behaviour just because she’s nice sometimes

When you say she has a history of abusive relationships - in what way have they been abusive?

It’s so weird that you mention prison. I was going to write something about this but I didn’t think anyone would understand the post so here goes:

I used to work in a prison and observed this thing amongst some women prisoners where one of them would be the others slave (yucky I know for those of us not into such things. And I actually hate using the word slave although this was the word they used. So from now on I will use servant.). The servant would do absolutely everything for the partner. I mean absolutely everything. It was quite weird to witness but it was definitely a “thing”. I immediately recalled this when you started describing her behaviour. Each to their own, but it’s not for you.

Nicely, I think that you're been fed a ridiculous story. South London makes it easy to be "led astray"? Her family expect you to save her? Bollocks to all of this.

DH's family are constantly surprised by the problems his brother and sister have got themselves into .... I can assure you that their supposedly closeknit family is a huge reason and that it's a miracle that DH is as stable as he is, and honestly, it's because he's done the work over a long time and jumped on opportnities to do things differently.

“When I see one sick person in a couple I know there are really two sick people in the relationship.”

This sentence has blown my mind completely. It is so true but there is often person who is so unquestionably dysfunctional that it completely masks the other person’s dysfunction. But the statement above always applies.

I agre, the more you post op the sadly the more I think you’re also deeply dysfunctional. I mean seriously. Living in south London makes it easy? Also despite rhe treatment you keep saying she’s really sweet and you love her. It is starting to feel like a folie a deux.

OP, she sounds annoying. That's reason enough. Plan your escape.

what I will say is that I don’t think she would ever be violent to me,

Hopefully you won't stay around long enough to find out.