For thinking my parents just aren't bothered about my child?

[Unlovedgrandchild]

I'm one of several siblings, parents already have quite a few grandchildren.

I found out in passing recently that my parents have booked a holiday in the same week I'm due. They booked this some time after knowing when I'm likely to have the baby.

I made a comment about this and was told oh well, we can meet the baby a few days later. You'll be glad of the rest!

My mother has been literally hysterical about seeing each of her grandchildren as soon as they were born. I saw her have an enormous meltdown when she just missed a train to get to the hospital while my other sister was in labour - and there was another train in 30 minutes, and she'd been told specifically not to come yet!

She was recently waxing lyrical about how nothing would keep her from the hospital when my other sister gives birth, which is soon. Yet my baby is due in a few months and she can wait!

I've tried twice to have a proper conversation about it - saying I'm hurt, I don't understand it, only to be brushed off again.

I'm really close to my mum and I'm genuinely heartbroken and bewildered about this. The reason for the trip is for something to do with my dad's hobby which he takes seriously but does loads of throughout the year. And it's the birth of a grandchild! Which they have been there for for every other one, and made it clear it's a priority.

This is my first child.

Honestly, I think you’re being a bit mad. It would never have occurred to me to think my parents should arrange their movements around my due date. By the sound of things they won’t be gone long.

Fair enough.

It seems strange to me that they'd book it AFTER knowing the date, when they wouldn't have dreamed of doing that for other grandkids. They were at the hospital within hours of their births each time.

Omg I would be exactly the same!! I would be so hurt, for everyone else having a baby is a huge deal and for you it doesn't seem as important... it might be done completely unintentionally as you've said there are quite a few grandchildren now, but I would say something. Depending on your relationship either try and arrange a face to face coffee and chat and explain, or write it down, try and keep the emotion out but stick to the facts like you have here and see what she says? Such a big deal having a baby!

Thank you!

I really have attempted this ok two separate occasions and got nowhere. My parents can't take any hint of criticism and get very defensive. Telling them they've done something hurtful just doesn't compute for them - they can't have done anything wrong, I must be wrong somehow.

I've been told I'm being ridiculous, that I won't want them there (despite me saying very clearly I do), that they are doing me a favour.

If the dates work out that they're around in the end it makes me feel like keeping them away for 3 days anyway and telling them as they weren't bothered....but I know that's both childish and will blow up in my face. I'm just so hurt! I don't really want to see or speak to either of them at the moment (for which I'm also being given grief).

So she's gone crazy to see your sisters' newborns but has plans to be away for yours? She's clearly treating you differently to them. Whether or not you should want them there so early etc is beside the point, its the unequal treatment that you're seeing and feeling hurt by. I get it.

She's not seeing it, and when you've pointed it out she's dismissing it - it isn't convenient for her so she's ignoring your feelings.

I'm sorry she's treating you this way, I'd find it hurtful too. But you've said your piece, she's shown who she is, so you now need to lower your expectations around the kind of mum/granny she'll be. If she exceeds them, it's a bonus, but you will avoid a lot of heart ache in not expecting much from her, and trying not to worry if the treatment is unequal - it likely will be and you can't change her behaviour, only your reaction to it.

I can totally understand your pain here. I know it's hard to see now but it's her loss. She will be the one missing out on seeing new baby and not being included in your joy. Do not let her treatment towards you and new baby interrupt your happy time. Again you may not see it now but it might be a blessing too. You will be tired and probably not in the mood to be entertaining her anyway.
When she returns and asks to see baby I would be changing plans or trying to accommodate her in a big way. I personally feel most grandparents want to meet their grandchild ASAP. But like I said their loss x

Thank you.

Yes, it's the unequal treatment that stings. What's so upsetting is I've done a lot to help her over the years. This doesn't feel like a very fair reward!

But you're 100% right all I can control is my reaction. I hadn't thought of it but you are wise to tell me to keep expectations low of her as a grandmother.

It's honestly kind of tragic as my husband's parents are both dead so my parents are my child's only grandparents (not the case for any of my sibling's kids) and they're clearly going to be a bit crappy. My DH's mum would have been overjoyed to be a grandma too.

Oh that's really sad about your in laws, sorry they aren't with you any more. Time to widen the network I reckon, I bet there are some lovely aunties, neighbours and cousins around who would love to dote on your little one. Having babies is one of those things that the keepers come out of the woodwork to support you, often from unexpected places. Enjoy that! And don't let this affect your time as a new mum, comparing your experiences with others can be damaging, when you're all your little one needs - you'll be their whole world.

Are you the OP's mother?

OP it sounds like your parents have gotten over the novelty of becoming grandparents after experiencing the previous births of your siblings.

It's a shitty thing for them to do for sure. It's understandable why you're upset, but I'd suggest taking it on the chin and seeing how they are once your little one arrives.

was told oh well, we can meet the baby a few days later. You'll be glad of the rest!

You do realize that this is exactly what most of the new Mums on here wish their parents and in-laws would say, right?

But I get it; your mum seems less enthusiastic about your baby than she was about your nieces and nephews. The thing is...if they have a number of grandchildren then they've probably chilled out a bit and waiting a few days doesn't feel like a big deal to them.

Kindly, the birth of your first child is a huge, momentous occasion for you, but not so much for your extended family. Try to not let this get you down and your mum may end up being a doting grandmother in the long run.

Congratulations!

Is there anyone in your life that could be a surrogate grandparent? The reason I ask is because I had a surrogate granny and loved her to much. I'm in my 50's now and still remember her playing cards with me, baking, feeding the hens, collecting eggs, gardening and of course making peg guns and then hiding so we could 'attack' my brother and his mates when they cycled past her house!! My maternal gm had zero interest and my paternal gm died when I was a baby, my 'granny' was my father's best friends mother who lived just down the road and she was wonderful. If there is a person (an aunt for example) that would love that relationship/closeness with your dc encourage it, I don't have any gc yet and it's not looking likely but I'd love to be a stand in Nana if needed by someone.

Not so. I have a sister due to give birth 3 months before me. Last week I heard my mum gush at some length about how she couldn't wait to meet her new grandchild - how she'd be at the hospital the minute she was in labour. She'd be there to meet them the minute they were born etc.

I think concluding from
this that they’re going to be crappy grandparents is quite a leap. Yes you’ve got every right to be hurt but I don’t think you should go into ‘retaliation mode’ or burden your little ones relationship with her grandma from the start. You’ve told her you’re hurt, and she clearly doesn’t get it (or want to get it). But you say you’re otherwise close so please don’t let it spoil your relationship or that of your baby. I’d treat it as a little blip and see if it’s just a one off.

Well normally the general consensus on mumsnet is to stay away for the first few days so mum and baby can bond , they need their bubble !! Each to their own but I don’t get that . But in your case I can see why you are upset . I would find that hurtful. I hope they end up treating all the grandkids the same as they grow .

Oh OP I'm so sorry to hear this. I'd feel exactly the same. I'm also one of several siblings and it's hard when you feel you're being treated unfairly. I'm sorry your parents are very defensive too. It's really difficult to chat openly and honestly when people are defensive. So sorry for the loss of your in-laws too.

Are you able to chat to any of your siblings about this? Just wondering if any of them would understand and/or be able to raise it with your parents too and support you. Do you all get on as adults?

All the best with your birth OP. I hope your parents do support you and your baby once it's here.

I really feel for you. Do you think that they're trying to compete with your other siblings inlaws? As your dh parents aren't around they have no one to compete with?

This was my first thought.
They have to be 'seen' to be good grandparents as your siblings have in-laws, they probably don't feel the same pressure with you as they are the only grandparents.

I'd feel the same as you given how she's being with her other due grandchild. I think you'll hold resentment so need to properly say something. When she bangs on about rushing to the hospital ask if she doesn't realise it hurts you that you don't feel that way about your baby.

Unless you're having a planned C-section there's a good chance the baby won't come when it's due anyway and they're only away for a week.

I understand why you feel so down about it OP - they're treating you as less important than your siblings. I do think other posters have a point about the fact there are no other GPs so they don't feel the need to appear as excited as the "other side". My mother is very much of that ilk.

Well I think they could have timed it better ,but Im struggling to see that because of a trip for a few days ,that they wont be involved! Your due date is just an estimate anyway,babies rarely come on time .A few days either way and it will miss the holiday!She may be being a bit defensive here ,but maybe Dad wants to go and has persuaded her to come? You and your Sis will have a lovely time with your little cousins growing up together and Grandma will be involved for sure.

I actually think the birth is a red herring. It’s the massive disparity in treatment between you and your sisters that’s hurtful.

Completely agree with this. I feel that some of the PP are missing the point somewhat. It's the OP's mother's mad excitement about the births of the other grandkids, and her strong urge to be there and see them and her daughters as soon as she can, versus the 'meh, whatever, we'll see you and your child later' attitude towards the arrival of the OP's baby. I'd feel hurt about the disparity in treatment and my mum's feelings too.