Page 5 | For thinking my parents just aren't bothered about my child?

Unlovedgrandchild · 2024-05-19T23:39:49+00:00

I'm one of several siblings, parents already have quite a few grandchildren. I found out in passing recently that my parents have booked a holiday in the same week I'm due. They booked this some time after knowing when I'm likely to have the baby. I made a comment about this and was told oh well, we can meet the baby a few days later. You'll be glad of the rest! My mother has been literally hysterical about seeing each of her grandchildren as soon as they were born. I saw her have an enormous meltdown when she just missed a train to get to the hospital while my other sister was in labour - and there was another train in 30 minutes, and she'd been told specifically not to come yet! She was recently waxing lyrical about how nothing would keep her from the hospital when my other sister gives birth, which is soon. Yet my baby is due in a few months and she can wait! I've tried twice to have a proper conversation about it - saying I'm hurt, I don't understand it, only to be brushed off again. I'm really close to my mum and I'm genuinely heartbroken and bewildered about this. The reason for the trip is for something to do with my dad's hobby which he takes seriously but does loads of throughout the year. And it's the birth of a grandchild! Which they have been there for for every other one, and made it clear it's a priority. This is my first child.

StormingNorman · 22/05/2024 21:31

Unlovedgrandchild · 20/05/2024 04:14

Not so. I have a sister due to give birth 3 months before me. Last week I heard my mum gush at some length about how she couldn't wait to meet her new grandchild - how she'd be at the hospital the minute she was in labour. She'd be there to meet them the minute they were born etc.

Show quote history

I’m tempted to think the timing of your sister’s due date just happens to be convenient for your Mum so she’s playing the doting grandmother to the hilt.

StarryBook7 · 22/05/2024 21:37

Agree with @StormingNorman

Best wishes and good luck.

StormingNorman · 22/05/2024 21:53

Unlovedgrandchild · 22/05/2024 19:22

Update: I missed a call from my mum yesterday and she left me a pretty vicious voicemail telling me I was behaving appallingly, ridiculous to get this angry, she was starting to worry about the person I was becoming by still being so angry etc....

what I hadn't mentioned on here is the other weekend was my hen do and she crashed the end of it with my dad. It was just a meal at a restaurant but I was FURIOUS with her and haven't picked up the phone to her since (she'd asked if she could come twice, and I'd said no - because it was a small meal with friends and siblings, I didn't want an intergenerational thing, and honestly she always has to be the centre of attention which can be exhausting). It was compounded by the fact that while she was there, having crashed it, she talked over me to my sister about how excited she was to be at her child's birth etc. at some length. Sister repeated no-one is coming to the hospital. Mother then was life and soul of party, everyone got up from table to talk to her, she ordered champagne - she had a great time. We got the bill and I left as soon as I could, which was long enough that parents were ordering a second drink as I left.

I really was going to pick up her call and I'd planned on just dropping the subjects forever. The comments here have helped me just accept the situation as it is and feel less puzzled.

As she was such a cow on her voicemail I told her I'd decided to drop it until I listened to her voicemail and then told her how I felt. She said she didn't think crashing the hen was a big deal but it was to me - I said she could have sorted everything out by texting me the next day that she was sorry,when she saw I was upset- but mostly I was hurt about her trip. She then just backpedalled furiously - of course we'll be there at the birth etc, how could you think we wouldn't be? - and I said well because you TOLD me you might not, that you could meet the baby later etc, all the stuff I've said here. She basically said of course she wants to meet my baby, yes I will be there at the hospital if you want me etc.

Honestly, I'm glad our tiff is over because I have spent days crying about this, I'm pregnant, in a lot of pain, with a UTI which is not clearing up and just starting antibiotic no3. But none of the things she said really mean anything. She was just saying what I wanted to hear in the moment so I'd stop being upset with her. If she had really been sorry she could have messaged me that she was.

I suspect they just got the date wrong and have been trying to "style it out". It's pretty tragic to be so determined to never be wrong that you'll cause so much hurt.

I'm glad I have a really brilliant partner who will absolutely look after me. I'm going to see how I feel after the birth about who I invite to see the baby immediately but not holding any grudges about this.

I just knew you were going to say all those things about your Mum…

life and soul
centre of attention
puts her own needs first
no ability to see when she’s upset you
FOMO
rather lie than take responsibility for her actions

Original poster

Unlovedgrandchild · 22/05/2024 22:15

StormingNorman · 22/05/2024 21:53

I just knew you were going to say all those things about your Mum…

life and soul
centre of attention
puts her own needs first
no ability to see when she’s upset you
FOMO
rather lie than take responsibility for her actions

Show quote history

I have a really great therapist who I've been seeing for years. Haven't seen him for two weeks but we've got a session tomorrow and it is going to be REALLY worth the money. He's very familiar with all my mum's funny little ways and trust me none of this will come as a surprise.

She does really love me but it's always been a hard relationship for me.

OP posts:

Noseybookworm · 22/05/2024 22:20

I would be very hurt by this 😞 my parents wouldn't have gone away when I was due and were there to help out when I had all 5 of mine. Can you have a chat with your mum and explain that you are feeling understandably apprehensive with this being your first baby and having a c-section and that you were really hoping that she would be on hand to support and look after you?

Elliania · 22/05/2024 22:31

I'm going to be honest and give you mt personal feelings.

I'd be THRILLED. THRILLED she wasn't behaving the same way she does with my sisters. Do you really want someone who behaves like her around you while you're giving birth & in a vulnerable state? I suspect your sister she was taling to at your hen do, who was telling her she wasn't welcome at the hospital, would give ANYTHING to trade places with you. Sometimes there's a silver lining to unfair treatment.

I'm really sorry you feel hurt & are struggling with her behaviour but I think something you might want to address with your therapist is why you feel the need to chase your Mum when she behaves the way she does.

Screamingabdabz · 22/05/2024 23:48

She sounds like a narcissist - likes to be centre of attention, hates criticism, tries to rewrite history with her as hero… why are you begging it op? She’s a mess and you are just puppets dancing to her tune. Don’t let your child be part of her puppet show too.

Kettletoast · 23/05/2024 09:07

PP is right
Hopefully you can chat to your counsellor about this today
Great book called “You are not the problem” and podcast for when you feel up to it

Sako81 · 23/05/2024 13:54

Unlovedgrandchild · 20/05/2024 01:23

Thank you.

Yes, it's the unequal treatment that stings. What's so upsetting is I've done a lot to help her over the years. This doesn't feel like a very fair reward!

But you're 100% right all I can control is my reaction. I hadn't thought of it but you are wise to tell me to keep expectations low of her as a grandmother.

It's honestly kind of tragic as my husband's parents are both dead so my parents are my child's only grandparents (not the case for any of my sibling's kids) and they're clearly going to be a bit crappy. My DH's mum would have been overjoyed to be a grandma too.

There’s your answer OP. They are in competition with the other set of grandparents with your siblings but there aren’t any in your baby’s case. Take comfort in the fact that it’s not about your siblings and their babies it’s about your parents being first. Really shoddy behaviour.

NoThanksymm · 24/05/2024 00:54

Maybe she got solidly told off for showing up unwanted with one of the others.
They are doing b you a favour, enjoy your new baby with your husband, cement your little family. Enjoy all the love.

Sonia1111 · 24/05/2024 06:21

Your siblings might have been annoyed with her for going mad over their newborns, especially when she visited after being told not to. She might have a strong sense that she needs to change and is doing her best to cool it.
As a mother myself, I can tell you there is constant pressure on a mother. Kids are always wanting more, less, different. They don't think to appreciate you for what you earnestly do for them and it is knackering to always be corrected. I would recommend you try to relax and enjoy other aspects of what you are about to do. Your mum will visit and be glad of the baby. You don't have to control her and tell her exactly how you want it to be, for her sake and for yours. Xx

Charl1991 · 24/05/2024 14:16

You won’t want them around in the first few days anyway surely? I had my sister round but only because my partner had to work away and I didn’t want to be alone, otherwise I’d have waited a week or so to invite anyone over.

My MIL didn’t make any arrangements to visit at all in the first month or so which I found bizarre! She has older grandchildren so maybe like your parents she’s just over it?

muggart · 24/05/2024 14:20

The OP sounds like she is infinitely more mature and compassionate than her batshit mother.

Hazyjaneishere · 25/05/2024 20:02

Ordinary I would think ‘winning’ because it’s actually a blessing to have 2-3 days to yourself! Plus which you will quite possibly be late so they may well be back anyway.

However it’s weird that she wants to be there for all the others? I mean I think that’s weird full stop tbh but yes, I can see why you are hurt.

Hazyjaneishere · 25/05/2024 20:06

StormingNorman · 22/05/2024 21:53

I just knew you were going to say all those things about your Mum…

life and soul
centre of attention
puts her own needs first
no ability to see when she’s upset you
FOMO
rather lie than take responsibility for her actions

Show quote history

Oh god yes. Just read through your replies to other stuff. Wow. She’s just playing games with everyone. Awful.

Hazyjaneishere · 25/05/2024 20:11

Unlovedgrandchild · 22/05/2024 19:22

Update: I missed a call from my mum yesterday and she left me a pretty vicious voicemail telling me I was behaving appallingly, ridiculous to get this angry, she was starting to worry about the person I was becoming by still being so angry etc....

what I hadn't mentioned on here is the other weekend was my hen do and she crashed the end of it with my dad. It was just a meal at a restaurant but I was FURIOUS with her and haven't picked up the phone to her since (she'd asked if she could come twice, and I'd said no - because it was a small meal with friends and siblings, I didn't want an intergenerational thing, and honestly she always has to be the centre of attention which can be exhausting). It was compounded by the fact that while she was there, having crashed it, she talked over me to my sister about how excited she was to be at her child's birth etc. at some length. Sister repeated no-one is coming to the hospital. Mother then was life and soul of party, everyone got up from table to talk to her, she ordered champagne - she had a great time. We got the bill and I left as soon as I could, which was long enough that parents were ordering a second drink as I left.

I really was going to pick up her call and I'd planned on just dropping the subjects forever. The comments here have helped me just accept the situation as it is and feel less puzzled.

As she was such a cow on her voicemail I told her I'd decided to drop it until I listened to her voicemail and then told her how I felt. She said she didn't think crashing the hen was a big deal but it was to me - I said she could have sorted everything out by texting me the next day that she was sorry,when she saw I was upset- but mostly I was hurt about her trip. She then just backpedalled furiously - of course we'll be there at the birth etc, how could you think we wouldn't be? - and I said well because you TOLD me you might not, that you could meet the baby later etc, all the stuff I've said here. She basically said of course she wants to meet my baby, yes I will be there at the hospital if you want me etc.

Honestly, I'm glad our tiff is over because I have spent days crying about this, I'm pregnant, in a lot of pain, with a UTI which is not clearing up and just starting antibiotic no3. But none of the things she said really mean anything. She was just saying what I wanted to hear in the moment so I'd stop being upset with her. If she had really been sorry she could have messaged me that she was.

I suspect they just got the date wrong and have been trying to "style it out". It's pretty tragic to be so determined to never be wrong that you'll cause so much hurt.

I'm glad I have a really brilliant partner who will absolutely look after me. I'm going to see how I feel after the birth about who I invite to see the baby immediately but not holding any grudges about this.

You don’t have to hold grudges but you can set boundaries around this behaviour. Your mum had her own issues causing her to behave like she does but as well as being mindful of that you are entitled to feel upset and also to put boundaries in place with her so that you don’t have to go along with her strange behaviour.

Poodle31 · 25/05/2024 21:18

I am also one of several siblings and I am pregnant with grandchild number 21 (for my parents, not my first child) and I would be absolutely fuming if my parents didn’t make it a priority to be there, even half way around the world. Go ahead and be very mad, unless it’s an elaborate surprise or for some reason they believe that you secretly don’t want them, they should absolutely be there. It’s not fair and you have every right to be mad. Some people do have the preference that it’s better to be on your own for that first week or so and it’ll be a better experience for everyone if they wait a week, but everyone is different and since you’ve expressed that you definitely want them there then they should be. Childbirth is big it’s one of the top 3 special moments in life and they know that. My mom is getting a little more casual about child birth as the grandchildren pile up but she still knows she better make it a major priority.

Poodle31 · 25/05/2024 21:22

I just thought is there reason to believe that you will go way over due? Everyone in my family go overdue so my mum always add a few days or weeks before flying out….is that a possibility here?