For thinking my parents just aren't bothered about my child?

[Unlovedgrandchild]

I'm one of several siblings, parents already have quite a few grandchildren.

I found out in passing recently that my parents have booked a holiday in the same week I'm due. They booked this some time after knowing when I'm likely to have the baby.

I made a comment about this and was told oh well, we can meet the baby a few days later. You'll be glad of the rest!

My mother has been literally hysterical about seeing each of her grandchildren as soon as they were born. I saw her have an enormous meltdown when she just missed a train to get to the hospital while my other sister was in labour - and there was another train in 30 minutes, and she'd been told specifically not to come yet!

She was recently waxing lyrical about how nothing would keep her from the hospital when my other sister gives birth, which is soon. Yet my baby is due in a few months and she can wait!

I've tried twice to have a proper conversation about it - saying I'm hurt, I don't understand it, only to be brushed off again.

I'm really close to my mum and I'm genuinely heartbroken and bewildered about this. The reason for the trip is for something to do with my dad's hobby which he takes seriously but does loads of throughout the year. And it's the birth of a grandchild! Which they have been there for for every other one, and made it clear it's a priority.

This is my first child.

This! I completely agree and I'm with you OP, I would be so hurt. We already have a similar disparity with the in-laws and how they treat my kids and my SILs kid so I know the feeling though it's obviously not as bad. I'm really sorry!

Swear Mumsnet is full of absolutell martyrs 🙄

The OP has stated that this doesn't appear to be the case, as her mother is wildly excited about the impending birth of the OP's sister's child not long before the OP herself is due.

Yes, but that's not really the issue that the OP is concerned about. The issue is the huge discrepancy in treatment - her mother's mad excitement about the births of the OP's siblings' children, and her strong urge to be there, versus her apparent indifference to the birth of the OP's child. Regardless of whether the OP might end up actually being glad that her mum isn't crowding her during and after the birth, I can see why the difference in the way her mum is treating her and the way she's treating the OP's sisters would be upsetting and hurtful to her.

How hurtful op. Some of the posts minimising this are quite harsh. It’s the fact she is gushing over your siblings pregnancy and saying she wouldn’t miss the hospital but she isn’t being the same for you. I would be the same as you and upset by this. People often say on mumsnet to treat your children equally and this is far from it. I hope she is a better grandparent to your child than she is currently being a mother to you!

You'll likely not deliver on your due date anyway, and if it's for a hobby it probably means it's an event that doesn't happen very often.

You've made it clear in your post that you think your mum acts ott for births so perhaps she knows that's how you feel and feels like you won't want them around anyway!

I think yabu to expect your parents to plan their life around your baby and your due date!

This adds a whole new layer to it, you've had medical problems and you're high risk - if she acknowledges your pregnancy and due date she has to acknowledge that your at risk and that your baby is at risk! By not acknowledging it she doesn't have to think about HER baby being at risk!
I know lots of parents that have done the same with their high risk pregnancy daughters, and can you blame them? To be excited about the birth means you're excited your child is being put in danger!

Cosy Lemur may have nailed it
She may not have the emotional capacity to support you. You could consider hiring a doula to help instead

Is there history of her treating you differently to your siblings?

Have you asked your siblings about her behaviour?

Do you have a close relationship with your mum? What about your partner - do they like him?

I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from asking dm what the difference is between your sister's baby arriving and yours! I'd want to put her on the spot and get an answer. Are you usually treated differently to your siblings op or is this the first time?

Huge sympathy with the PGP I had it very severely and ended up bedbound towards the end of my pregnancy. Please rest as much as you can, don't do anything that makes me pain worse and get as much help as you can with anything physical that aggravates it. I really regret not doing more research and didn't find out til after having dd that there are women's Physios that can help with very gentle manual therapy for PGP (this was 13 years ago mind so maybe it's well known now?!)

I don't blame you for feeling so hurt and so vulnerable at the moment, hugs op

I wouldn't be bothered apart from the way that they're treating you differently to your siblings- I don't think you're unreasonable to feel hurt about that. It does all sound very strange.
Do you have a good relationship with them usually?

I can understand why you're so hurt but equally am sure this is a reflection of other behaviours from her you say tricky and difficult..etc
That suggests that maybe you have to adapt/change to have that close relationship...
Its just having your own child can be quite eye opening about all relationships especially that with our parents...

Having been through it I would counsel just focusing on yourself babe and dh and what friends you have for support and to talk to...conserve your energy focus and time... And yes lower your expectations of involvement and protect your boundaries

Your siblings are unlikely to be helpful as will have been trained in their role and not want to get involved... As you say your parents won't accept they could be wrong..

Have a look at the stately homes threads if you want to explore issues there's lots of support there..

This made me smile. My mother in law to a T. She tried to race my mother up the hospital corridor to see my new baby. My mum was happy to let her "win"

Your sister must be so jealous of you right now.

It must hurt and I think a PP has nailed it with they forgot the dates and won't admit it.

I'd take it as a blessing and for me it would set the tone of any first visit when they come back. They'd be coming when it was convenient for me.

Stand back - are you persistently on the receiving end of different treatment with hindsight or is this a blip. I would not be rolling out the red carpet if I felt that there was a pattern.

It was so hard to get pregnant and the whole time my mum was telling me she didn't want me to get pregnant because she was worried it would kill me (I have some health issues but pregnancy absolutely not dangerous for me - e.g. endometriosis).

It could be she is very worried about you or could be she annoyed you haven't listened to her advice or could be you have been assigned a role in family and you've stepped out of it or it could be she doesn't have to compete as no IL or could be you deemed to need less help for some reason.

I wouldn't assume at minute she won't be there as a GM - but I would try and lower expectations.

What I do know about disparate treatment is that everyone will come up with reasons that some how justify or explain it - but behaviour may persisted even when circumstances change. So distance moving closer changes nothing, DP not being around when your isn't and then their's is still same - ill child yours get ill when there's is now well nothing changes.

My advice is worry less about reasons - if talking changes nothing that likely won't change with more talks - and focus on any positives and put time and energy into baby and spouse rather than extended family - there doesn't have to be big fall outs but yes it will sting.

Did any of the other births coincide with Dad's hobby/holiday for them?

She prioritised herself over your sisters wishes to wait so i expect if there was something she wanted to do more than attend birth she would have.

I wouldn't see it as your baby being less important just that she will suit herself so you should too, not out of spite but don't be overly accommodating when visits don't suit either.

Do they not like your DH/father of your baby maybe?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it really is so shitty. My in laws seem to be just as uninterested in my baby. I don't have any real advice for you, but trust me, you and your baby will be fine. You'll know exactly who matters by how they treat your little one. If they're not willing to treat your child like a priority/like they're important, do you really want them around for such a huge life event? For me, if I knew my in-laws would be like this, I would've never wanted them to be around for the birth. Unfortunately there just isn't any chance of getting through to people who don't want to listen. I've since been pretty careful with details I give them about my child. If they're not interested, why should I tell them anything? Wishing you and bub the best x

My Mum is exactly the same as yours. Super excited about my brother and sister’s kids, but wasn’t around much for mine. My DC is 4 now and she still doesn’t treat him the same as the others so I’ve stopped trying.

Ultimately it’s up to them not you to build the relationship they want with their grandkids. If they can’t be arsed with you / your children then don’t return the favour.

and you are missing the point 🥹

I don't see the big deal. It's the newborn phase. More important is their support when you've a toddler running riot with absolutely no sense and heavily pregnant with child 2. Will they step up then you think?

Same!!

I find a strange contradiction here. You say you’re close to your mother and you want her there because she’ll comfort you and knows all your ‘favourite things’, and yet her behaviour seems to suggest that she doesn’t actually give two hoots and gets defensive at any challenge or criticism which doesn’t seem like something ‘close’ people do. It all sounds a bit wrong and toxic to me.

Why won’t your partner be enough? Why can’t he bring you comfort and why doesn’t he know your favourite things?

I think you’re begging for your mother’s validation because she favours your siblings. I suggest you focus on your own new little family and ignore her power play.

What does she say if you ask her directly - ‘why do you want to be there the minute sisters baby is born but not mine?’

I think youve found your reason OP.

What's your partner like vs your sisters partners? Could they have more faith in yours?

My first sister to have a baby has a shit useless partner, so we all went to the hospital when she was having the baby. He actually went missing for a while in the middle of her labour!! The other 2 of us only had our partners with us and nobody questioned in because they knew partners could handle it.