For thinking my parents just aren't bothered about my child?

[Unlovedgrandchild]

I'm one of several siblings, parents already have quite a few grandchildren.

I found out in passing recently that my parents have booked a holiday in the same week I'm due. They booked this some time after knowing when I'm likely to have the baby.

I made a comment about this and was told oh well, we can meet the baby a few days later. You'll be glad of the rest!

My mother has been literally hysterical about seeing each of her grandchildren as soon as they were born. I saw her have an enormous meltdown when she just missed a train to get to the hospital while my other sister was in labour - and there was another train in 30 minutes, and she'd been told specifically not to come yet!

She was recently waxing lyrical about how nothing would keep her from the hospital when my other sister gives birth, which is soon. Yet my baby is due in a few months and she can wait!

I've tried twice to have a proper conversation about it - saying I'm hurt, I don't understand it, only to be brushed off again.

I'm really close to my mum and I'm genuinely heartbroken and bewildered about this. The reason for the trip is for something to do with my dad's hobby which he takes seriously but does loads of throughout the year. And it's the birth of a grandchild! Which they have been there for for every other one, and made it clear it's a priority.

This is my first child.

Yep! I would be saying this over and over again until I got some sort of explanation. I can’t stand people acting weird - just bloody tell me!

Tricky when you’re in a family that minimises your feelings though.

Ignore the previous poster, you are a million percent right to be hurt! I’d be exactly the same.

This happened to us with the birth of our child, I won’t lie it really hurt that he was a month old before he met his grandparents. It really did sting and I know people are saying it’s unreasonable to expect parents to “plan their lives around you” but the birth of your child only happens once. Our second was a Covid baby so no hospital visits at all, we were in hospital for a long time and needed our family. So no advice but I understand how you’re feeling, it does hurt.

I understand why you are upset.

My sister gave birth to my nephew, and my parents were over the moon. Supported her in any way it was possible, emotionally and financially.
I gave birth a year and a half later to my first child, and they reaction was complitely different. Now I'm pregnant again, and even less interest..
They also treat the grandchildren differently.

It is painful. There's nothing I can do. If I try to have a conversation about it, they call me paranoid as they don't see it that way.
We can analyse it and try to figure out the reason why this can be - regardless of the reason, grandparents shouldn't act differently towards grandchildren, and you have a right to be upset.

This is very, very possible OP - awful to see it in those stark terms but a real possibility.

Have you always been the ' lesser' child? My brother was the golden child in our house and I was the 'also-ran' , the scapegoat etc. things were my fault even if I wasn't there!!

If you haven't been 'lesser' up to now then I'd say it is just competitive grandparenting kicking in but if it's part of a wider issue see this as a good wake up call to move forward with less expectation of your DM and more focus on your own new little family - it's a new era just beginning! 🤗💐

I'd be pleased that, within a few weeks of arriving home with baby, my Mum would be well refreshed and ready to help if I needed.

I think you are completely valid in how it's made you feel.

Is she the kind of person to voice her do gooding, rather than just doing things for the sake of them?
I'm thinking that maybe at the previous births she just hasn't happened to have wanted to plan a holiday. So she may have already had it in mind to go at a certain time, and the births just happened to not coincide?
In those occasions she could very easily voice the fact that she wouldn't miss the birth for anything, and bathe in the dutiful grandmother look, because she had no intention of going away anyway.

However, for some reason they have now booked a holiday which does coincide with your future birth and so she has to find an alternative narrative. This time it's her being "considerate grandma" and giving you space.
Maybe she's the kind of person who values highly other people's opinions?

If on the other hand she has moved a holiday in the past, but not for you, then yes, that would be more hurtful.

I wouldn't dream of booking a holiday anywhere near my daughter's due date. I couldn't relax worrying about her, not all births are straightforward. I have several grandchildren and have been just as excited to meet each one.

I`m a mum of four, over the top grandma of five, completely agree with you feeling unfairly treated but would advise you to forget about it. Enjoy your pregnancy and your excitement. concentrate on you, your baby and your baby daddy.

I'd be really upset too. Put it in a text message you your parents- I believe in sharing your feelings especially as YANBU and they will have time to reflect on their behaviour and response to you. I'm sorry- it sounds really crap.

This did seem strange. Do you think she might be projecting her worry about the pregnancy and you into seemingly not worrying? If she was worried about the pregnancy and you from the start maybe she feels she can’t get excited about it if there if more chance of some health issues? Has she had any loss or trauma in the past that might make her distance herself in this way?
All the best with your pregnancy and little bundle of joy when they arrive.

That's very hard for you, OP. Most women would be hurt in your shoes, no matter what they say on here. In your shoes, I'd back off from the relationship with your mum for a while, invest your energy elsewhere.

I think your overreacting. And it’s Your first child you’ll 99% go over your due date.

Your DM attitude is hurtful. I think you need to be less available to them for a while. Perhaps make them wait a little after they come back from their holiday.

You are totally in the right. When your Mother has made such a big deal about the other births; I would feel hurt and angry also x

That would have been a perfect time to pipe up with "how lovely for you and sister I'm so pleased that your so excited about sisters birth shame you won't be there to meet our baby"
Passive aggressive but who cares

Agree with this don't be available just when it suits them. Delay it a day or so say you need some rest.

I bet they got the dates mixed up and now they are too embarrassed or defensive to admit it. That's why they keep brushing you off. It's not that they want to treat you differently they have made a mistake. My mum missed one of my child's early birthdays because she forgot and booked a mini break. She then kept saying oh it's only a birthday which was nonsense because she ALWAYS made a massive fuss of birthdays. Truth was she had got the days/ dates mixed up, was stuck with an expensive mini break she couldn't cancel because she couldn't get a refund, so she, for want of a better term, tried to style it out. Let's put it like this, it never happened again.

So sorry OP, I can see why this would hurt. But I’ll bet you anything they just forgot, can’t get their money back and are hoping you’ll be overdue and it will all work out ok. And it probably will!

Update: I missed a call from my mum yesterday and she left me a pretty vicious voicemail telling me I was behaving appallingly, ridiculous to get this angry, she was starting to worry about the person I was becoming by still being so angry etc....

what I hadn't mentioned on here is the other weekend was my hen do and she crashed the end of it with my dad. It was just a meal at a restaurant but I was FURIOUS with her and haven't picked up the phone to her since (she'd asked if she could come twice, and I'd said no - because it was a small meal with friends and siblings, I didn't want an intergenerational thing, and honestly she always has to be the centre of attention which can be exhausting). It was compounded by the fact that while she was there, having crashed it, she talked over me to my sister about how excited she was to be at her child's birth etc. at some length. Sister repeated no-one is coming to the hospital. Mother then was life and soul of party, everyone got up from table to talk to her, she ordered champagne - she had a great time. We got the bill and I left as soon as I could, which was long enough that parents were ordering a second drink as I left.

I really was going to pick up her call and I'd planned on just dropping the subjects forever. The comments here have helped me just accept the situation as it is and feel less puzzled.

As she was such a cow on her voicemail I told her I'd decided to drop it until I listened to her voicemail and then told her how I felt. She said she didn't think crashing the hen was a big deal but it was to me - I said she could have sorted everything out by texting me the next day that she was sorry,when she saw I was upset- but mostly I was hurt about her trip. She then just backpedalled furiously - of course we'll be there at the birth etc, how could you think we wouldn't be? - and I said well because you TOLD me you might not, that you could meet the baby later etc, all the stuff I've said here. She basically said of course she wants to meet my baby, yes I will be there at the hospital if you want me etc.

Honestly, I'm glad our tiff is over because I have spent days crying about this, I'm pregnant, in a lot of pain, with a UTI which is not clearing up and just starting antibiotic no3. But none of the things she said really mean anything. She was just saying what I wanted to hear in the moment so I'd stop being upset with her. If she had really been sorry she could have messaged me that she was.

I suspect they just got the date wrong and have been trying to "style it out". It's pretty tragic to be so determined to never be wrong that you'll cause so much hurt.

I'm glad I have a really brilliant partner who will absolutely look after me. I'm going to see how I feel after the birth about who I invite to see the baby immediately but not holding any grudges about this.

Aaah @Unlovedgrandchild I completely see why you're so upset. It's the difference in treatment between your new baby and her other GC, including your sister who will give birth not long before you!

I would be so hurt. I had some similar issues about my DM not bothering despite pretending to be so excited. Long stories and a slightly different scenario, but I don't want to detract from your thread. Suffice to say I've been in a similar type of situation when my DC were born and the lack of interest really feels like a rejection.

I have to be honest, I would wait a few days to tell her about the birth, regardless of whether she was on holiday or at home. She's made it clear that she doesn't feel the need to be there immediately, so she can wait. (By the way, this is terrible advice but it's absolutely what I would do!!!)

I think @Kettletoast came up with a great suggestion - can you afford a doula? You can look for one that provides post-birth support if that's the bit that you're the most worried about. You'll have a reassuring, feminine, nurturing presence that will help give you an amazing birth experience. You won't feel the absence of your DM and it could work out for the best.

Sorry @Unlovedgrandchild - I cross posted with you.

Honestly she sounds pretty awful, but she's your mum and you need to do whatever sits right with you. Crashing your hen do and then talking to your sister about how she can't wait to be at her birth - but not mentioning yours?? But now insisting that she was always going to be at yours??! Hmmm. Sounds a bit gaslighty, if I'm honest.

I'm glad your DP is supportive but I'd definitely still look into a doula too. Sounds as if you could do with some feminine nurturing and it doesn't sound as if your DM is the type of person to centre you.

Wow your mom is a piece of work

Initially, I was team 'competitive grand-parenting with the in-laws', although team 'worried about you being pregnant at all' also have a point. But I have had another thought, especially given your latest update.

Could this be something your Mum and Dad are disagreeing over?

I think your Dad has booked the trip, probably obliviously, possibly deliberately [only sees certain friends at this particular meetup, something they always do together, feels like a spare part at the hospital/aftermath anyway, he has heard your sisters that they want a bit of space when your Mum has not, some other reason...], and she's gutted. He's tried to cheer her up by saying they will be there after, etc, which is what she's parroted to you. She doesn't want to tell you about every marital spat (nor should she) so she's deflected, but she still hopes she can talk him round? Her gushing this time seems to me more in line with her true feelings even though it goes against your Dad's plans. So whilst from your perspective how angry you were is because of obviously how hurt you were, she feels threatened by it because she is already feeling guilty, so she then gets defensive, and so on. Possible she also felt excluded from the hen do because she thought you were punishing her about the baby thing, and she showed up to show that she's there for you? I'm getting into a lot of speculation here, the main point being, I think she does want to be there for you and feels stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It is hurtful, id be upset too, but as you say youre close i wonder if theres a reason. When you say your sister told her specifically not to come yet, I wonder if she learnt her lesson a bit and is trying not to be around so she doesn't bombard you too much? Also a due date is a rough guess, so chances are they will be around when the baby arrives so maybe they were struggling for date options and don't want to admit they've got it wrong.

I'd try not to dwell on it, you genuinely won't want to be inundated. If they don't take criticism well, instead of mentioning the holiday you could say "I'm so glad I have you for support, I'm really looking forward to seeing you with my baby, I really do think I'll need you a lot in the early days" to gently guide her to thinking about you and being there appropriately.

It's much more important that long term she's a good support for you, and helps the way you need to, so I'd focus on working out with her what that looks like, what you'd like her to do etc to get a vibe of whether she's actually going to generally let you down/step back from being such an involved grandparent as you thought! I'd be more worried about this being a shadow of her approach going forward which wouldn't be ideal if you were imagining she'd be involved and helpful!