For thinking my parents just aren't bothered about my child?

[Unlovedgrandchild]

I'm one of several siblings, parents already have quite a few grandchildren.

I found out in passing recently that my parents have booked a holiday in the same week I'm due. They booked this some time after knowing when I'm likely to have the baby.

I made a comment about this and was told oh well, we can meet the baby a few days later. You'll be glad of the rest!

My mother has been literally hysterical about seeing each of her grandchildren as soon as they were born. I saw her have an enormous meltdown when she just missed a train to get to the hospital while my other sister was in labour - and there was another train in 30 minutes, and she'd been told specifically not to come yet!

She was recently waxing lyrical about how nothing would keep her from the hospital when my other sister gives birth, which is soon. Yet my baby is due in a few months and she can wait!

I've tried twice to have a proper conversation about it - saying I'm hurt, I don't understand it, only to be brushed off again.

I'm really close to my mum and I'm genuinely heartbroken and bewildered about this. The reason for the trip is for something to do with my dad's hobby which he takes seriously but does loads of throughout the year. And it's the birth of a grandchild! Which they have been there for for every other one, and made it clear it's a priority.

This is my first child.

I'd be very hurt too OP, you're not being unreasonable. I'd be hurt even without the disparity in treatment between siblings. My mum was planning a holiday for later this year but I'm pregnant and it's due around the time she was planning to be away, she has cancelled the planning and put the holiday on hold. It's my second child. I didn't ask her to but I think I would have been a bit hurt if she'd said oh that's fine I'll be away and see you when I'm back.

I didn't think I would want anyone around when my first was born but I was actually just so buzzing to show him off that I did invite my mum to the hospital (she is local) and my PILs came down 2 days later. You never know how you are going to feel when it happens and you may actually just want your mum there.

Is there any way to get a sibling on side who could also talk to your mum about this maybe, and see if they can get through to them about how hurt you are? I don't love getting other people involved in stuff but on this occasion, since you've tried talking to them twice already, I'd be telling a sympathetic sibling how it's upsetting me and seeing if they could have a word.

I wonder if your Mum is competing with the other set of grandparents and needs to be seen as more important and see the baby first?

Perhaps your mother is just a competitive grandparent (ie she has to be seen as the most doting of the grandmothers whilst not being all that bothered in reality ) but as your DP's parents are sadly dead, she doesn't have to worry. I suspect she displays these traits in other areas too if you think about it.

Snap thinking!

I think when my daughter gives birth I will want to be in the area in case something happens to her. Meeting her baby can wait a few days - she’s MY baby, and I couldn’t be in another part of the country or abroad in case there is a medical emergency.

YANBU

There is a huge difference in the way you and your sister are treated so of course you're going to be deeply hurt. What's especially confusing is that you perceive your relationship with your mum to be close so I presume that your sister is not the golden child.

No one on the thread is going to know why she's made this decision yet you need some kind of response or it will continue to distress you. I would take the bull by the horns and write a card saying something like

'I'm looking forward to having you in baby's life as a treasured grandparent. I don't want to say anything to drive a wedge between us. I just need you to know that it hurt me when you didn't plan to be around to support me during the birth as it's a time when a girl just wants her mum. I found it particularly difficult to accept because you have said several times that nothing could keep you away from the hospital when X has her baby. I wondered why the same didn't seem to apply to me. I love you both so much and don't want anything to come between us. This has caused me a lot of confusion and I didn't want to say nothing and let it fester. Much love,

That's my thoughts too.

Op I totally understand why you feel upset. Ignore those dismissing your feelings.

I agree with encouraging anyone else older who you like to be surrogate gps.

Yes I would wonder this too!

Different scenario, but my family has a huge difference in ages of grandchildren. So my children are mid teens/early twenties, my brother was late to have children so has a toddler and one due imminently. My parents have always doted on my children, yet when cute little toddler (he is very cute!) appeared, my Mum and Dad seemed to forget about my children.
They openly talk about how they don't see little grandchild enough - guilt tripping us into helping them to make sure they do (pet sitting), and will grace us with their presence for a whole 30 mins when they come to collect.
It really stung, and still does a bit. Probably more so that they can't see how the conversations about "we don't see them enough" might be a bit hurtful when they don't make the same effort to see us. However, we've now concluded it's a competition thing, with my sister in laws family. My in laws aren't around, I never met DH's Mum and his Dad was significantly older than my parents so wasn't a hands on grandparent - very lovely, but no competition. Whereas sister in law has lots of siblings with little ones and a very doting Mum.

So yeah OP, I feel for you! Enjoy your little one, they grow up so quickly x

This made me cry.

It was so hard to get pregnant and the whole time my mum was telling me she didn't want me to get pregnant because she was worried it would kill me (I have some health issues but pregnancy absolutely not dangerous for me - e.g. endometriosis).

I'm now having a very difficult pregnancy with a lot of fatigue and agonising pelvic girdle pain, which limits what I can do hugely. I feel very vulnerable.

I'm going to have a c-section but we don't know the date yet. Regardless of whether it will work for her holiday or not I'm so profoundly hurt she doesn't want to be near in case something goes wrong for me. Or it's just hard and I can't do anything and need support in those early days and I just need the occasional hug and for someone to bring me sandwiches who knows all my favourite things.

In this case it is quite obvious that they have an issue with you. Not saying that this is justified or fair but your sister is obviously more favoured. Time to pull your big girl pants up, sit them down and ask them exactly WHY there is a discrepancy and politely demand a satisfactory answer. Only way you can make peace with this.

Many thanks to all the people posting telling me it's reasonable for me to be hurt.

I don't think it's competitiveness with other grandparents although I'll keep an eye out.

She's a tricky woman in general but this is really perplexing.

I don't think I can rope in a sibling but I'm going to have to try and talk to her about this again. It's just the disparity between what she says she wants for all her grandchildren - the hysterics I've seen when she's been held back by 30 mins- compared to the casualness with which she's approaching my baby.

Maybe a close relationship with her wouldn't be all sunshine and roses for my little baby either!

I'll start scouting for more found family.

I suspect they forgot the date. My mum will try and cover up when she forgets things with the fact she wasn't bothered anyway

Ha! Could be. All this agonising on my part and could just be this. My parents are incapable of saying they've done anything less than perfectly. Everything has to be swept under the carpet. A tradition I don't plan on continuing with my baby.

The new wave of parents respecting their children, owning up to mistakes, and apologising to their children, is really going to change society (i hope). Welcome to the world of parental cycle breaking! It's a journey. 😬

Is it possible they have been told that they were too full-on in trying to see the other grandkids as soon as they were born? So they've taken it on board and decided to give space this time round?

Nope, as they've been saying the same desperate "I must be there!" stuff to my sister who is due just before me. It was said in front of me to her last week, weeks after I've been told they'll be away for my birth.

This could be the answer.

My PILs are like this - my parents live abroad whereas BIL lives 2 mins from his in laws. PILs are obsessed with competing with BILs in laws to be grandparents of the year, so spend lots of time with his kids but don’t really bother with ours. It’s heartbreaking as we need them so much more because we don’t have my parents close by.

I think if you have tried to discuss it and got nowhere it is difficult. They probably won’t back down so you will have to choose between seeing them on their terms or not at all. Is it worth asking one of your siblings to mention it and seeing what their reaction is?

I don't think there's a way I could get a sibling to intervene. I'm sure the general consensus would be "I'm making a big deal out of nothing". The only sibling who'd take it seriously has said they don't want to get in the middle between us. I get it.

I think I just have to accept they are not very interested in my grandchild or helping me in early days. I will just have to feel hurt for a bit and then live with it. Accept where I am in the pecking order!

Getting the validation and support here has helped me feel less angry at least.

As more grandchildren appear, the 'novelty' of must being there for birth time wears off. Seen it happen many times. They will be there for you afterwards when they return. I'm sure a pic sent to them on the big day will be met with joy despite their absence.

Some new mums on here want to have time alone with their newborn and complain about too many visitors 😉

usually I would said you’re being unreasonable but given that your mum has set the precedent with other grandchildren then you’re 100% being reasonable and have every right to feel hurt because it’s your mum who has set this bar and is now making a difference; not you. Good luck on the new wee one x

I'm going with that, too. I'm guessing that she's hugely embarrassed but can't admit it, so she's pretending it's not an issue.

I'd have struggled not to reply with 'but you're not bothered about being there for my baby?'

Lovely! Not in the spirit one would think.