To not be on board with oral sex

[Mumoftwinsandasingleton]

Long story short- husband finds oral to be the ultimate sex satisfaction. He loves everything about it and would love to release in my mouth.
I've always found the thought of this to be disgusting and very porn inspired (not my thing). I just want to enjoy my partner without him demanding that. He's aware I don't enjoy it and yet I find myself still giving in to his "needs" because during the act he coerces me into it.
I recently listened to a podcast which talked about consent and how a woman may agree to vaginal but not necessarily oral or anal, as it would be classed as rape if she did not consent but you still did it. I brought this up with my husband which didn't go down well. He said that if I love him, I should want to please him in the ways that he likes best.
I feel bad that I'm not at all into oral but it's putting me off sex completely, knowing that there will be the expectation for oral.
I try to please him in other ways via sensual massages and hand jobs, even breast stimulation - but he says it doesn't cut it and that all he wants is my mouth. Would it be unreasonable to completely stop oral until I actually want to do that myself? or should I put the effort in to pleasing him as (admittedly) he's a great father and husband?

This is such a really considered and insightful post.

Because when they got back together after a break in their relationship he said oral sex wasn't as important as being with OP.

It's absolutely correct to say that the responsibility for the compromises he was willing to make rests with him. He did not marry OP because she said she would try to learn to like giving oral sex.

@drusth
@Mumoftwinsandasingleton

Are these your first babies? Abuse often ramps up after a baby, because they think the women is now stuck and won't leave.

I was about to say the same thing. You are, possibly, in a more vulnerable position in the relationship now that you have two very small children whose needs you have to take into account when you review your relationship (providing a stable home, access to/relationship with the father, not coming from "a broken home", finances possibly being tighter, your job, childcare costs, etc. I think women often put up with far more if they have children whilst men are able, pretty much, to continue the way they did before children and/or before marriage. 🌹

my thoughts exactly

@Blossomtoes You seem to be excusing rape here. The poor man not being able to get his rocks off in the way he wants. 😢 Doesn't excuse what he's doing, it's vile. Also counterproductive, surely someone being forced into it is going to have bigger issues with it in the long run? He was happy enough to compromise before OP had her babies, he doesn't need it, no matter how much he wants it either. It's not a sexual issue, it's a rapey bastard issue.

DH->XH - it's not going to get better, he puts his satisfaction above the wellbeing of you and your relationship.

There are plenty out there who would meet your needs better.

He doesn't care whether you want to do it or not and is emotionally blackmailing you. 'if you loved me you'd do x activity you hate doing'.
If he loved you he'd want you to enjoy sex.
Does he love giving you oral? I'm guessing not for some reason.
I'd be inclined to be put off all forms of sexual activity with someone so unconcerned for my comfort and satisfaction.

This is giving me such serious anxiety reading this.
Your husband should never force you to perform oral sex if you're uncomfortable with it. Knowing you're uncomfortable with it should mean he doesn't even find it enjoyable!
I had a traumatic situation with oral sex in my youth and when meeting my husband it came up in conversation and I mentioned that I am very nervous about it and hadn't done it in years as a result of the previous experience.
I said that I would be willing with him to try again, but I would need a lot of emotional support and guidance. My husband (boyfriend at the time), said that he didn't want to me to feel that he needed that from me at all, he didn't want me to do anything I wasn't 100% comfortable with.
We've been married 7 years and our sex life is healthy and happy without oral, and he doesn't see it as reciprocal, he often performs oral sex on me, because he enjoys it.
I am so stressed out for you, your husband is so horrible.
As an aside, you don't need to reward your husband with sexual favours for doing housework/child raising. It's literally his job too! He should do it because its a part of life as an adult, not because he expects a reward for it. I imagine once you start actually refusing oral - (and I truly hope he actually lets you refuse because so far he hasn't listened to your no, so I am afraid for you that he will escalate) - that he will because far less helpful in your life!

What are you on about? That person is excusing rape as nothing more than a kink. How is that thoughtful and considered?

Well I didn't actually read it as them excusing rape. However having reread what the poster actually said I think I probably was a bit hasty in my comment.

Sorry my reply was probably a bit harsh seeing as you aren't the one that said that in the first place.

(Only read first post)

This will sound gross I know but I know someone who was in the same position. She hated it, he loved it but she would give him oral with the rule that he never came in her mouth. one day he did without her consent so as payback, she kissed him straight after and pushed all his seman into his own mouth.

He thought it was disgusting (of course he did) and they had a massive argument after it put him off oral sex for a while (probably out of fear!)

@JoleneTookHerMan Serves him right! I always wondered at the men who think their own bodily fluids are disgusting, but expect women to put up with it. I don't have that issue with my own vaginal fluid.

He thought it was disgusting (of course he did)

No of course, I’ve met more than one man who’s really into that.

@Dakotabluebell @Ialwaysdomybest
I absolutely was not excusing his behaviour as nothing more than a kink!
I was saying that if what is underpinning his (despicable) behaviour is that he is sexually excited by the idea of taking away her power then he should not be doing that with an involuntary participant and he therefore is firmly outside of consent territory (rape).

I was trying to talk to someone who is in shock and trying to process the fact that her 'lovely husband and father' might be seriously transgressing in this way - which is a lot to take on board.

So I was (trying) to help her bridge the gap where she can start to conceptualise the idea of how 'a lovely man' could be doing this to her and, crucially, what it is - non consensual... which is another way of saying rape - but in a way that allows her to grasp that while struggling with the idea of "my husband is a rapist'

Plenty of other pp has starkly written that for her, and maybe she's ready to hear that, but if not, then a slightly less shocking way of phrasing it might be helpful for op to begin to accept she is being coerced into a sexual act which as we all know is rape. Might not be the 'take by force at knife point' kind, but it still is.

I thought there was a chance op might be able to understand what she is dealing with here if she heard it described in language which is relatable as possible for 'someone like him'

I don't know, as no one else does, if what I say will be of any use to op, but I think when someone is reeling you don't know which ray of light will get through the fog and so I offered a different angle for her to try to see her own predicament.

I haven't reread my post to check it was as well crafted as I was aiming for, and if @Dakotabluebell read it differently to this it maybe wasn't, or... maybe she saw the word 'kink' in it and that wrote it off without also taking in the fact that I was saying this is not consensual... however, what I was aiming for was as I say here, just was trying to talk to op gently.

Absolutely not @Mumoftwinsandasingleton

I don't enjoy oral (giving or receiving). My husband does. We never do it. He knows how uncomfortable it makes me and that I really don't like it.

If I initiate it then he's thrilled. But he never initiates it himself.

You both deserve to both enjoy sex and be comfortable with it. Coercing you into doing something you don't like is definitely not OK.

I knew someone like this who thought their needs trumped anyone else’s. They became an ex-husband.

Now that you have had twins he thinks you are stuck.
He now feels comfortable coercively forcing you to perform a sexual act when you clearly don't want to.
He is aroused by your lack of consent.
This is not a good man.
Please contact Women's aid for a chat.
Please talk to family and friends.
You deserve so much better than him.

Tell him to stick it down the hoover pipe!!

Update: thank you all so much for your comments. We ended up having a deep discussion about everything and resolving a lot of our marital issues, including the porn watching. It's taken me a while to update as I noticed I had been banned from this group for overly explicit content and reports on my posts. Apologies for the details that I went through, but I couldn't speak to anyone in person about my issues and thus splurged it all in this anonymous chat. The reports and ban have definitely tainted my MN experience, so I probably won't be posting a new thread anytime soon even though there is a lot on my mind and a lot I could post. I don't get why I would get reported even though it's clear I'm a real person with real issues. MN have noted my posts are genuine since the ban, but have asked me not to post similar content

OP, I really hope you will reach out in real life for support from Women's aid.
That is not a good man.
You are very young and need to protect yourself.
I know you are very busy with twins, but please look at returning to paid work when you can and bullet proof your contraception.
His escalation in behaviour after you have had twins is textbook abuse, so you really need to be alert to this.
Keep family and friends very close to you, you are going to need them.
Wishing you well.

I'm so sorry about everything you're going through and especially that MN isn't letting you post openly. You haven't written anything overly explicit, only what is necessary for us to understand the situation. I really hope you have a support network in RL that you can turn to. And MN is still here, even if you have to jump through a few hoops.

I'm glad you were able to have a long conversation with your DH. Hold firm to the boundaries you've agreed on and that are right for you. A man can survive just fine without a specific sex act, do not let him convince you otherwise.

Are you trying to push Op into a sex act she doesn’t want to do as well? What exactly are you getting at here? She said no FFS.

Sorry Mumsnet seem to think women shouldn’t talk about men sexually coercing them OP, there was nothing overly explicit about your post. Please do get help, what he’s doing is not Ok.

He is not a great husband if he is coercing you into a sex act you don’t want to do. That is abusive, unforgivable behaviour.