To not be on board with oral sex

[Mumoftwinsandasingleton]

Long story short- husband finds oral to be the ultimate sex satisfaction. He loves everything about it and would love to release in my mouth.
I've always found the thought of this to be disgusting and very porn inspired (not my thing). I just want to enjoy my partner without him demanding that. He's aware I don't enjoy it and yet I find myself still giving in to his "needs" because during the act he coerces me into it.
I recently listened to a podcast which talked about consent and how a woman may agree to vaginal but not necessarily oral or anal, as it would be classed as rape if she did not consent but you still did it. I brought this up with my husband which didn't go down well. He said that if I love him, I should want to please him in the ways that he likes best.
I feel bad that I'm not at all into oral but it's putting me off sex completely, knowing that there will be the expectation for oral.
I try to please him in other ways via sensual massages and hand jobs, even breast stimulation - but he says it doesn't cut it and that all he wants is my mouth. Would it be unreasonable to completely stop oral until I actually want to do that myself? or should I put the effort in to pleasing him as (admittedly) he's a great father and husband?

Where is the green face vomit emoji when you want it?!

him pulling his weight around the house and doing childcare doesn’t make him a good person or partner.

he is getting you into positions where you cannot refuse oral sex after repeatedly telling him you don’t like it or want it.

What would you say to a friend who told you this? A daughter?

I believe it does somewhat turn him on that I'm a bit reluctant but he has never said that himself.

I found myself in positions where it was difficult to turn away.

I've noted I'm already feeling some sort of trauma related to oral in general which I discussed with hubby last week. He couldn't understand why I would feel that way

You see how those two things are linked, right? He knows you don't want to do it, he gets you into positions where you can't stop, and you have trauma. He doesn't understand? My arse he doesn't.

Seriously, he's enjoying your trauma. FFS.

I really don't enjoy oral so I don't do it at all. DH never never never mentions it. We have sex but he knows I don't like it so it just doesn't feature.

He goes above and beyond the average man in terms of housework and fatherly duties

He could cook every meal, do every load of washing, do every school run, do every school collection, take them to every club, do every bath, every bedtime, clean the house from top to bottom every single day...

None of that gives him a right to coerce you into sexual acts you don't want to do.

Imagine for a second that your daughter, sister, best friend came to you and said,
"My partner coerces me I to performing sex acts that I don't enjoy... But he runs the hoover round now and then..."

Would you be delighted for them or worried about them?

He's not a great husband for this, sorry. It's gross and he's basically forcing you to do some you don't want to satisfy his 'needs'.

You “reward him”

🤢🤮

for doing the co parenting with you you know like a father should and I’ll bet he doesn’t go above being a husband either.

what would he do when in a position you apparently can’t refuse and keep your gob closed? I think I know the answer and it’s not a good one.

he’s sexually assaulting you. Sexual coercion is illegal just for the record.

He’s worn you down hasn’t he. Over time. Even though you were younger m, when you were 19 years old you felt more confident about enforcing your boundaries. Being a good father doesn’t mean he should be able to coerce you into things you’re uncomfortable about.
It doesn’t make for a good husband.

A coerced forced sexual act is rape. Your husband is a rapist

This!

Another pointless AIBU who refuses to listen to every single poster.

I wouldn't submit to his demands if I were you.

Presumably he climaxes to "regular" sex too. So either way, he wins. What about what he does for you?

I found that with my ex, whichever way he always got to climax, but he never returned the favour which just made me feel used and bored. I didn't realise what I was missing until I had a new partner.

My dh wouldn't want to engage in a sexual act if he knew I found it horrible or disgusting it wouldn't arouse him at all and he wouldn't put me through that, and likewise I can't imagine enjoying something I knew he hated.

I would be quite frankly horrified if I thought he was getting off at my discomfort and upset at doing a sex act that's just not really part of a loving relationship or even a non loving relationship!
I am very adventurous and open and try many things its not like I only do missionary in the dark but it's all consensual and not coerced

Yabu to think oral sex is disgusting in general, lots of people genuinely do love it.... however yanbu to not personally enjoy it and not want to do it.
Whilst I enjoy giving oral sex there are other sex acts I find horrible.. we are all different.
Your husband is being a dick.
I also wonder why anyone would get pleasure out if coercing someone into doing something that they knew the person found repulsive.
I can't think of anything worse tbh. Sex should be a mutually enjoyable experience not just you doing something you hate because he wants it.
Take it from me as one of my lives biggest regrets was drugging myself so that an ex could have anal sex with me after he threatened to leave me because 'I must not love him if I wouldn't let him do that, as it was important to him'
I cannot actually believe I fell for that. Awful.
Please don't do anything sexual that you do not genuinely want to do.
I'd seriously consider leaving him if he cannot understand and respect that this is a sex act which turns you off.
We all like different things.. and in a healthy sexual relationship you engage in a way that you both agree on and find pleasurable.. that may mean some aspects of what you would like to happen sexually do not get explored.. thats life! No one has got any right to try and manipulate anyone else into doing things they are uncomfortable with. You can suggest it... but if someone says no then that's the end of it.
Please do not believe his nonsense.. it doesn't matter what other couples do it only matters what you are comfortable with.
I honestly hate him on your behalf. Yuck.

He goes above and beyond the average man in terms of housework and fatherly duties so I feel like I should want to "reward" him with his favourite sexual activity.

OP, this is not a healthy relationship on any level. Sorry but look at what you wrote in that sentence and understand that most people with good husbands and fathers don't do this - they don't do something they hate in sex to bribe their husbands to continue being a decent father and husband. And they are definitely not pressured into it/assaulted.

I hate receiving oral sex - don't mind giving it. Dh would love to be able to do it for me - it would really turn him on. Guess what, we don't do it because I don't like it. I gave it a shot a couple of times in case I would like it - I didn't so it is now off the table. he doesn't sulk, doesn't pressure me, doesn't do it despite me hating it and continues living his life according to his principles (as in he is a decent father and husband) even though he isn't getting this "reward"

You have a real issue here OP. I think you should talk to someone in real life and in the meantime tell him oral sex is not happening for the foreseeable future.

You should never ever feel that you should do / be coerced into something you don't want to do. On this specific point though, are you happy or willing to give oral to the point just before release? Is is the actual 'in your mouth' stage that most troubles you? If so, are you happy to give oral until just before and then time it so that he isn't coming into your mouth? For me, that's utterly preferable, but we're all different. As others have said though, you should never ever feel pressured to do something you don't want to do, and if oral is generally something you're uncomfortable with, then he needs to accept that.

”or should I put the effort in to pleasing him as (admittedly) he's a great father and husband.”

If I had a pound for every time I have read this on here. Abhorrent behaviour; coercion, abuse, gaslighting, mistrust, lack of care and neglect by many men. However, “they are a great husband and dad”. No they are not and your husband is the same. He’s forcing you to do something you don’t want to do! A great person doesn’t do that. Stop having sex with him until he can put your feelings before his pathetic penis.

I think you and your husband need to rethink your relationship with sex, it’s not a reward women give men

I've been married for more than a decade and relatively young, I've never let my husband 'release' in my mouth, not my cup of tea personally

Bella isn't the OP @Italianita she's another poster.

@Mumoftwinsandasingleton

You sound both sexually incompatible

He obviously shouldn't be coercive in that way or any other ways either 🤷 too you per 💯 per cent

He is being sexually abusive Creep,

He is actually sexually assaulting You

You need help to get out of this kind of relationship

As he sure will definitely not ever change

You should see as a deal breaker...

You're completely in the right. He's 100 percent wrong. But he's going to keep demanding it anyway. I'm so sorry.

"He said that if I love him, I should want to please him in the ways that he likes best."

That reasoning is all sorts of creepy. So if he loves you, why does he want you to do something that you find unpleasant?

It's not up to him to decide what you "should" want.