To not be on board with oral sex

[Mumoftwinsandasingleton]

Long story short- husband finds oral to be the ultimate sex satisfaction. He loves everything about it and would love to release in my mouth.
I've always found the thought of this to be disgusting and very porn inspired (not my thing). I just want to enjoy my partner without him demanding that. He's aware I don't enjoy it and yet I find myself still giving in to his "needs" because during the act he coerces me into it.
I recently listened to a podcast which talked about consent and how a woman may agree to vaginal but not necessarily oral or anal, as it would be classed as rape if she did not consent but you still did it. I brought this up with my husband which didn't go down well. He said that if I love him, I should want to please him in the ways that he likes best.
I feel bad that I'm not at all into oral but it's putting me off sex completely, knowing that there will be the expectation for oral.
I try to please him in other ways via sensual massages and hand jobs, even breast stimulation - but he says it doesn't cut it and that all he wants is my mouth. Would it be unreasonable to completely stop oral until I actually want to do that myself? or should I put the effort in to pleasing him as (admittedly) he's a great father and husband?

You said OP, "He said that if I love him, I should want to please him in the ways that he likes best."
NO. You show your love to him in the ways you choose to and are comfortable with.

And believe it or not, despite what you read and hear, many women hate doing this but feel forced or obliged to do it. Pressurised and made to feel that they are abnormal if they dont like it "because everyone does it". Be brave and say No, I don't want to do that, and stick to your guns. Don;t submit to his attempt to dominate you physically and mentally. In my case, I would be out. "If you loved me you would do it". what a manipulative prick (Pardon the expression)

Yes you are. Don't you think it's bad enough for OP without somebody like you adding your useless opinion.

I never get the ( if you loved me)as if once said it's a magical phrase that getss u what you want works multiple ways if you loved me ud not ask.always reminds me of a cat I've got ( lol stick with me) right it's meows constantly wanting it's favourite treat I say no he keeps going I say nn hes persistent eventually i give in he gets his treat he knows hel get his treats if he's persistant.to him it's a game to me im coerced into giving him what he wants say know if he liles the game.them ur part of the issue no means no not if u ask anough ul get just like every child we say men are like big kids but when thay act accordingly we need to be the firm if thats how we feelif we all liked the same things it would be aboring world.

You should advise him that your needs involve anal using a large strap on on him, without lube. If he doesn't agree then he isn't being fair to your needs.

Men are utterly obsessed with blow jobs. I think most men seem to prefer it to sex which is really fucking annoying. Most porn is basically 70% blow jobs. All about the man surprise sur-fucking-prise!! All about their needs. Iv noticed this too with the last few relationships Iv been in. It’s like an expectation they assume it’s a given. I’m not a fan either. I don’t enjoy it & yep it puts me off the whole thing too OP.

Tell him you will have him prosecuted for rape and face a possible life sentence in prison if he tries it again without your consent.

You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do. But it’s also ok for him to adore blow jobs and reconciling himself to a life without them is probably hard. Of course don’t do what you don’t want to do, but be aware of the risks of him finding it elsewhere.

Goodness, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your husband is being incredibly selfish.

I don’t see how anybody feels like doing oral sex unless you have the time and space to get incredibly turned on and in the moment, and it’s fully appreciated as a special effort. This is simply NOT going to be an every day thing!

The expectation that this should be an every time thing feels very unsexy, demanding and yes, verging on manipulation and abuse. I’m sorry - I’m sure it hurts to put that word in relation to your husband.

sexual appetites are personal and change over time; ideally they broadly improve over a long term relationship as your bond grows, but in reality there are always going to be fallow periods where you don’t want to or can’t. It’s so important that both partners respect these times. Trust and mutual respect are cornerstones of healthy desire.

you are not a blow-up doll, you are a complex and wonderful human who is allowed to change her mind

I understand you must feel so conflicted about this. As a minimum, I suggest you go to therapy to look into your own inner thoughts on all this.

ideally, finding a separate therapist for couples therapy too Would be ideal, but I get that many men let their ego get in the way of starting the process :(

But maybe he needs to be told exactly how serious this is - and to learn that your whole life together is at stake if he can’t engage meaningfully with you to learn how you feel about this.

I wish you the best of luck and a massive hug

You should never do anything sexually that you don't want to do or that makes you feel uncomfortable, he's essentially raping you everytime he coerces you into it. He's not a great husband at all.

OP so sorry you are doing something you do don’t feel comfortable with.
Your husband should not be coercing you into anything you do not feel comfortable with.
Next time he tries it say no and tell him outright you feel coerced and bullied.
You need to think about whether this is a man you can respect, trust and be with.

I wonder if the coercion part is actually the pleasurable bit? The power trip may actually be more important than the blowjob...

Nothing gives me the ick more than someone acting desperate and sulky about sex or sexual acts.

I think my legs would clamp shut.

Does he perform oral on you?

I know loads of relationships that don’t do oral or anal but they do lots of other stuff.
They are in no way prudes and have their sexual needs met but they just don’t these things.

I personally do oral but never anal.
But I have been with men who don’t do oral and it’s been fine because I know that’s their boundary and I would never try and get them to cross it.

If this is something he ‘needs’ then he needs to decide whether this is the relationship for him.
In the meantime, I would not be having sex with him because he sounds gross.

The fact that you think he might enjoy you not wanting to do it is absolutely vile.
The fact that he keeps pressuring you to do something that you don’t want to do is sickening and it’s very telling what sort of man he is.

I couldn’t be with someone who has such little respect for me.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I can't believe you went through that. Everybody in here is right. I've decided that enough is enough. No more coercion. Thank you for giving me the confidence to do this

Get him to come in a pot and then ask him to drink it. He might realise how unpleasant sperm is. Better still get a syringe and fire it at the back of his throat so he gets the full experience.
I don't mind giving oral but on the absolute understanding that my husband is never to orgasm in my mouth. Makes me gag.

This is why I wish there was a minimum age limit on here.

How can you discuss sex as adults when there are childish kids sniggering over things like this.

I prefer BJ's and enjoy giving them. You don't. A pp asked why he married you. MonsterMama: "If he wants blowjobs so much he shouldn't have married someone who hates them. "

Alternatively this could be turned around to you. Why did you marry a man when he had such different sexual desires and needs to you? It's no different to anything else - why marry someone who likes this when you don't? Why marry a man who likes tuna if you don't. Why marry a man who wants any sort of sexual activity, wants you to dress up or themselves wants to wear women's underwear, if you don't. it's all about compatibility. When did you realise that this was a big thing for him? You are not compatible. what do you suggest you're going to do about this? How will it be resolved?

Of course he’s being unreasonable. Oral is a big part of many people’s sex lives but he needs to understand you don’t like it. You need to stop doing it. Tell him that you’re not doing it again and that’s that, don’t let him try and guilt trip you into it. I’d consider leaving if he continues to try and make you participate.

Your definition of great husband isn't the same as mine .

He's a man, not a dog, he doesn't need rewarding for not shitting on the furniture. Do you think he'd let you shove a nice big dildo up his arse as a reward for being such a good little wife? Even if he didn't like it, just because you do?

Sex should never, ever be a transaction. It just shouldn't. The fact he knows you hate it and is happy for you to do it anyway is just disturbing. Think really hard for a second about what that actually means. It means that he values his penis over you. It means he values his pleasure over you. It means he values you more as a warm hole than as a human being. In fact, your pleasure is actually a turn off for him as he doesn't even enjoy reciprocating.

Does he sound like such a good man and good husband now?

I think many people (usually men), confuse the two extremes of 'passive consent'.

There's the in-law analogy, e.g. visiting them even though you're not a fan, but you do so willingly to please a partner... and coercion, where they keep asking, and you do it because you're pressured, but really don't want to do it. Sadly, unless there's firm communication, these can look similar.

Definitely don't do anything you don't want to do, and be firm with him. He needs to realise that pressure is non-consentual.

This.

Turn it back on him.

If you love me you wouldn't emotionally blackmail me into doing something I really don't want to do.

Well I love receiving oral but my DH hates it so I go without!

he knows you don't like it and still keeps pushing it on you? that would give me a massive ick
and the fact that you feel you have to "reward" him with sex is soooo beyond toxic.

I want to suggest you leave him, but if you love him then try marriage counselling/ therapy to see if this can be fixed.