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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be on board with oral sex

155 replies

Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 19/05/2024 22:37

Long story short- husband finds oral to be the ultimate sex satisfaction. He loves everything about it and would love to release in my mouth.
I've always found the thought of this to be disgusting and very porn inspired (not my thing). I just want to enjoy my partner without him demanding that. He's aware I don't enjoy it and yet I find myself still giving in to his "needs" because during the act he coerces me into it.
I recently listened to a podcast which talked about consent and how a woman may agree to vaginal but not necessarily oral or anal, as it would be classed as rape if she did not consent but you still did it. I brought this up with my husband which didn't go down well. He said that if I love him, I should want to please him in the ways that he likes best.
I feel bad that I'm not at all into oral but it's putting me off sex completely, knowing that there will be the expectation for oral.
I try to please him in other ways via sensual massages and hand jobs, even breast stimulation - but he says it doesn't cut it and that all he wants is my mouth. Would it be unreasonable to completely stop oral until I actually want to do that myself? or should I put the effort in to pleasing him as (admittedly) he's a great father and husband?

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 19/05/2024 22:54

Id hate to think this isnt a genuine post, if its genuine ...OP you really need to look at doing the freedom programme. Your OH is an abuser.

bellasmith · 19/05/2024 22:54

GreenFairies · 19/05/2024 22:51

It’s a tad worrying that you’re ok and pleased with being sexually assaulted. What happened to you really wasn’t ok.

Show quote history

ya your right... i'm NOT pleased tho, i know i made it sound that way! sorry... it was not OK at all. you all are right--- nothing is ok w/ her guy pressuring her. not ok at all.

MonsteraMama · 19/05/2024 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

And you thought a thread where a woman is being sexually coerced by her own husband was the spot to share that you enjoyed being sexually assaulted as a child?

MrsElsa · 19/05/2024 22:56

Great husbands don't force their wives to perform blowjobs.

He's a shitty abusive husband sorry.

PhuckyNell · 19/05/2024 22:56

@PinkArt yeah of course I do! 🙄

ozemmy · 19/05/2024 22:56

WTF. He’s your husband. Presumably you’ve known him for a good amount of time. Why was this not discussed at the early stages of your relationship?

Not sure I believe this thread tbh.

Maray1967 · 19/05/2024 22:56

mbosnz · 19/05/2024 22:41

I'd give him the same choice as for dinner - as in, take what I'm offering, or go the fuck without.

If he loves you, he should not be wanting to pressure you into performing sex acts that violate your personal boundaries.

Creep.

This. Loudly and clearly. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it.

Beginningless · 19/05/2024 22:56

Don’t do anything you don’t want to do, sexually. End of. It’s ok for your DH to not be cool with a relationship with no oral in it, then he can decide how he wants to handle your boundary. But if it’s not what you want, don’t do it.

Mmhmmn · 19/05/2024 22:56

If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it.
It’s too invasive a thing to be doing if you are not OK with it. Even without him ejaculating in your mouth. (I get you - it’s totally yuck - why would anyone like it?! 🤷‍♂️)
Some people are OK with it, plenty of people aren’t.
Your husband sounds awful, coercing you into that.

Jiski · 19/05/2024 22:57

Stop it if you don’t like it. You never have to do things that make you uncomfortable and if he loves you he won’t make you. Be prepared though as he sounds like a selfish AH.

SabreIsMyFave · 19/05/2024 22:57

What a disgusting vile pig. Wants to use you like a porn star. Tell him to go to a prostitute. They do things like this for a few quid.

It's a LTB from me.

What is it with mumsnet this week, and the amount of scumbag men who are absolute cunts?

And one thread running on here asks why do men get such a bad rap on here?! LMFAO! As if anyone needs to ask that!

Wordsmithery · 19/05/2024 22:58

He's getting pleasure from an act he forces you to perform. That's not being a good husband. It's violation, it's disrespectful and it's certainly not healthy. Sorry you're in that situation.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2024 22:58

And you thought a thread where a woman is being sexually coerced by her own husband was the spot to share that you enjoyed being sexually assaulted as a child?

@MonsteraMama I think we need to be a little careful. If PP is reframing her trauma with denial and sexualised behaviour (which would be my guess) shaming her isn't a great thing. Sexual assault in childhood often results in 'consenting' sexualised behaviour.

Sapphire387 · 19/05/2024 23:00

I don't understand how this did not come up before you were married. You two are sexually incompatible.

I also find it quite interesting that you frame 'oral' entirely as a one-way street, I.e. you doing it to him. Does he ever give you oral?

Ifhappylittlebluebirdsfly222 · 19/05/2024 23:01

I don't understand how you can be married with children and only dealing with this now.

Personally I wouldn't marry someone who hated something that I really loved in the bedroom and vice versa. But of course you shouldn't do anything sexual that you don't want to do.

bellasmith · 19/05/2024 23:03

MonsteraMama · 19/05/2024 22:56

And you thought a thread where a woman is being sexually coerced by her own husband was the spot to share that you enjoyed being sexually assaulted as a child?

Show quote history

My reply is gone now so I cant read it, but i dont remember saying i enjoyed being assaulted. uh, I did not. I am sorry for my earlier post.

I agree w/ everyone here that pressure to do sexual things you dont want to do is def. not ok!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/05/2024 23:05

Mindblownawaybyfog · 19/05/2024 22:45

Well it is a matter of taste....
Do you like or expect him to give you oral?
Assuming you don't bully him. Tell him he is a fucking sex pest. Or do it half arsed and bite down.. He won't ask again.

“A matter of taste.”
Where they pun on words.🤣🤣🤣🤣

Mmhmmn · 19/05/2024 23:05

SabreIsMyFave · 19/05/2024 22:57

What a disgusting vile pig. Wants to use you like a porn star. Tell him to go to a prostitute. They do things like this for a few quid.

It's a LTB from me.

What is it with mumsnet this week, and the amount of scumbag men who are absolute cunts?

And one thread running on here asks why do men get such a bad rap on here?! LMFAO! As if anyone needs to ask that!

It’s just the nature of the forum. People come for advice on problems which are often similar and husband/male partner-based. People who are (currently) happy with things aren’t posting, that’s all.
So it’s not like we all think all men are scumbags, it’s just the ones that provoke the posts on here are behaving really shittily…(and some are all-round bastards)

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2024 23:05

@bellasmith have you ever talked with a counsellor about it? Might be worth it.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/05/2024 23:08

He coerces you in to a sex act that you don’t want to do! There’s a word for that

beAsensible1 · 19/05/2024 23:09

He is coercing you into a sex act you don’t want to do.

put a stop to it today. Tell him you don’t like it, don’t want to do it. And he should not ask or try to make you do it ever again.

horrid man, trying to emotionally manipulate you into sex.

Catsmere · 19/05/2024 23:10

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2024 22:53

Exactly. The thing he wants is sex with someone unwilling. And that does make him a sexual abuser.

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I would lay odds a large part of why he enjoys it so much is because OP is not.

drusth · 19/05/2024 23:11

Catsmere · 19/05/2024 23:10

I would lay odds a large part of why he enjoys it so much is because OP is not.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Original poster
Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 19/05/2024 23:11

Thanks for all the support everyone. I'm feeling quite down reading the responses of my husband being a rapist and an abuser. He goes above and beyond the average man in terms of housework and fatherly duties so I feel like I should want to "reward" him with his favourite sexual activity.
For the person who asked why this wasn't discussed before - my husband took my virginity at 19 and he was 20. He talked about oral a lot and I mentioned I wasn't interested. We split one year later and then got back together when I was 22. He said he realised he really loved me and that oral wasn't important. We reached a point where I decided to give oral a go as he mentioned it again. I found it exciting at the time to perform on him. At some point he seemed to keep on initiating and I found myself in positions where it was difficult to turn away. I believe it does somewhat turn him on that I'm a bit reluctant but he has never said that himself. He says that it would be his dream for me to be very much willing.
I've noted I'm already feeling some sort of trauma related to oral in general which I discussed with hubby last week. He couldn't understand why I would feel that way
In terms of receiving oral - I personally do not find oral arousing when performed on me. He still offers but I've noticed he goes floppy every time he does it, which is a big turn off for me

OP posts:
MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 19/05/2024 23:13

It would make me very uncomfortable if my partner was pleasuring me in a way that they really didn’t like, to the point I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it.