AIBU to think we simply don’t socialize like our parents did?

[Enchanted82]

I have been thinking lately about how much more insular and less social people are now compared to my parents era. I’m early forties, young family, lived in different places and always put friendships and making new friends/acquaintances a priority and I love hosting but I do feel lots of other families don’t seem to want/enjoy having people round or meeting up much at all!
in the 80’s my parents and friends parents were round each others houses, enjoying their company regularly but I don’t feel my husband and I have this despite being sociable people.
what’s changed?

I am close to retirement…had to spend so much time working in a high stress job that there was little time for socialising though I did have people over, made dinner, etc. on occasion. The job was very people-oriented and involved a lot of voluntary service to the profession as well, so I just was worn out with human contact! I also didn’t have children, so I think that made me lose contact with people as they became parents and now grandparents.

Now I am coordinating mum-in-law’s care and that is time consuming, and we have had endless house reno to do which is nearly done, but which stopped me having people over previously. I usually find I have to travel by train to see people now as they don’t want to take the time to come over as we live more remotely, and after a long week, I don’t have the impetus as much. It is a shame, because the house is done, and it is a lovely rural retreat for friends that want to get away for a while. Never mind.

I think it's this.
I'm peopled out and just want peace and quiet at the end of the day.
Also in the 70s and 80s we didn't have mobiles or constant tv/ streaming so you had to make your own entertainment.

With my teens, secondary schools are different. We all went to little ones nearby, and everyone lived nearby. Now you apply for the "best" school and travel to it. So your mates don't live in the next street anymore. Covid taught them that they can stay in their pjs, under the duvet and have a group chat at the same time as watching their favourite show. Why go to the hassle of getting dressed and tidying their room to have someone around. If they do meet up, they go to a central point like cinema or Starbucks.

When they were younger, I went back to work at 4-6 months. My mother didn't work so had the time to invite toddler friends over and go to toddler groups and coffee mornings.

Society has just changed so much.

We have a few close friends that we host, but other friends, it's easier to meet up for an hour or two in a coffee shop or pub. It's more of a time commitment to spend time at each other's houses so we only do that with the inner circle!

My parents were fairly social when me and my siblings were young - having other families over for the day etc, but as we got older and my mum started working it was less and less; and I suppose thinking about it, the three families we mostly socialised moved out of the area one by one to cheaper areas of the country so that was another factor.

This. I am retired and widowed now and a lot of the socialising I did in my 30's 40's, while I wasn't a "company wife" was linked to my late husbands employment. I don't miss it at all.

We socialise like our parents, we do go out, but we also spend weekends regularly with each other due to distance, I’m just back from a weekend with a group of friends at one’s home. Last month they were with us at our home.

I love cooking and socialising so if we are not out,on a Saturday evening we nearly always have guests over for dinner either family or friends. Yesterday we had a lovely day in the garden entertaining all my DH's team from work so 25 for a buffet and BBQ afternoon in the sun.

Social media and the fact it’s very easy to entertain yourself at home without needing a huge group of people. Also that generation were big drinkers which I think has changed a lot in the last decade or two.

Lots of people are saying 'but everyone works now'. But that was the case with my parents too. They both worked full time, but it was the norm for their friends to pop round in the day at weekends for a cuppa or us to go there. I'm not talking dinner parties! Just a general socialising. No-one cared what anyone's house was like. Ours was a bit of a shit tip, but my parents still had loads of friends in and out.

I grew up with adults other than my parents popping in and out, as part of my normal life. Likewise my friends were welcome any time without it being planned, and I could turn up at theirs.

I think my mum was just more popular tbh.

I agree with you OP.

We're the hosters, and the instigators of social gatherings. Whilst I enjoy it...it's exhausting and expensive when it's rarely reciprocated. Doesn't feel like there's a balance to it, it's legit always us. My kids also don't understand why we always have people at ours where they have to share their space and toys but then they rarely get to go to their friends houses and enjoy the other side of it. They like having friends around, but explaining why we always have people here rather than going for a playdate elsewhere is tough.

We've got around the expense a bit now by doing pot lucks, where everyone brings something to share, which has at least made me feel like we don't have to hold back on socialising. If we didn't invite people I think we'd rarely see anyone. Same goes for nights out tbh, have a few whatsapp groups with local mums and families in and if I look through the last year it's genuinely always me suggesting we go somewhere/do something.

Pretty demotivating.

I'm 50 and go out loads but in a different way to my parents. Evening wise I go to pubs, gigs, comedy nights, after work drinks, to friends houses for a drink with a load of us bringing a dish.
When the kids were little 8 can afford to work full time so how to work around DH shifts which meant I had loads of time to hang out with other parents we went to houses, museums, parks loads

Must be a class thing - I'm almost 66 and my parents didn't ever socialise in the ways you describe. My Dad went to the pub on a Saturday night and once in a blue moon, took my Mum with him. That was all - they never had people round the house and didn't go to people's houses.

Coal miners - for Dad was one - weren't big on dinner parties.

I would say it’s part of the general slobbification of culture on one hand (I include myself in this category so not judging) and unrealistic expectations caused by TV and social media. I’ll explain:

Slobbification: in the past, there was always the expectation that you would have company or be around others who might judge you on your appearance or the appearance of your house so people in general dressed smartly, got their hair done regularly and made sure their homes were presentable. With most mothers at home or working part time women at least had more time to go to the salon regularly and keep a tidy home.

Men also kept higher standards in terms of dress and grooming even if they were working full time but usually it was the women in their lives who helped them with this. Now of course not only are women busier, often with full time jobs, but technology has made it that people are spending less time in the company of others, so there is far less pressure to dress smartly or keep a tidy home. Add to this a far greater cultural acceptance of “scruffiness” which means we are less judgemental of messy homes and messy people, some even sort of wear it as a badge of honour (posh don’t wash middle class types mainly).

unrealistic expectations: the flip side of this is the fact that we are all exposed to a never ending stream of information pertaining to the lives of the rich and famous as well as so called influencers through TV, film and of course social media. Whether it’s cooking shows where the action takes place in immaculate kitchens and perfectly turned out cooks (think Nigella) or Netflix shows where all the characters live in spotless show homes or social media where influencers show off trendy interiors that look completely unlived in, the perception of what the ideal, aspirational home is has been completely skewed.

It all leads to people like me, who would like to host more people but always feel that my home is uncool, not tidy enough etc and as there is almost no really chance of anyone popping round unexpectedly, I don’t feel a massive urge to create an environment that I’d be happy to entertain in. The same goes for clothes. When I’m at home I’m happy to slob out for days, without even brushing my hair as the likely hood anyone will see me is low.

Ive decided that the only solution to this vicious cycle is to do a kind of exposure therapy where I just start inviting people over more often, without caring too much about how “perfect” my home is and then hope this little pressure of having people over will eventually lead to me dedicating more time to making it, and myself, presentable.

I think it's probably a combination of factors:

1. There are more options of places to go out to eat to now. And people don't see going for a meal as much of a "treat" as it used to be. In my grandparents days they never had the money to eat out so everyone socialised in their homes. We often "nip to the pub" for tea, whereas my grandparents would have been mortified at wasting hard earned money.

2. Friends live / move further away now. I have two friends locally (within half an hour drive) and the rest are well over an hour away at least. When I was young, pretty much all my parents and grandparents family and friends lived in the same town / village. Not as many people drove so it just wasn't the norm to have friends further afield! Also, we tend to have friends from different circles now. Most of my friends don't even know each other!

3. Covid. Many / most people simply got out of the routine of socialising and never got back into it.

Interesting thread! We have a big annual bash and have noticed we are in a minority, it is expensive. Also 'dinner parties' are often done with a raised eyebrow as if people are being ironic somehow and rarely are "strangers' invited whereas my parents gen wd often invite new people to eat, allseemed a bit more formal.

Too tired
Everyone inc women working all the hours
Facsimile of social interaction from social media
Can’t leave kids alone any more and less likely to use teen babysitters
Higher standards of cleanliness so we can’t be arsed pre cleaning
Friendship groups more likely to be geographically scattered
Softplays and coffee shops more abundant
Decline of pubs/social drinking
Overscheduling of everything and everyone

You know, I’m a teacher/skint solo parent/hour each way commuter and in combination with the “why are schools on the edge” “why are teachers leaving” and “why is parenting so shit now” type threads this is all combining to be bloody depressing about the state of modern society, isn’t it.

I’m just so so tired and it seems so are we all.

It's so hard being the only one doing the instigating. I'm not even particularly extrovert and yet it's always me. If it wasn't for my DC and wanting them to have the socialisation I missed out on I'd struggle to keep bothering.

Social media and internet, that’s the main reason I think.

we socialise more than our children; they are quite happy just staying in their house and go out a few times with friends; but I always worry they spend too much time indoors; thanks goodness for schools

We’ve moved around a fair bit and I agree with you a lot of people seem to feel anxious about inviting people over.

I know we all bang the social-media-is-the-devil drum too much - but I think people scroll through instagram perfect houses all the time and then feel embarrassed about theirs. Also it’s easy to send a couple of WhatsApp’s from your own untidy living room as your ‘social thing’ vs making an effort.

I think that’s miserable! I love hosting, I love being hosted. I find it takes a long time - and usually some trial and error dinner parties / bbqs / game nights to find your people. We’re out here!

I always feel like I’ve found my people when we can agree we don’t tidy up for play dates / coffee - we only make an effort for dinner parties!

We have people round all the time (and go to theirs) but my parents never did!

It's not just seeing people in houses. People don't go to the local pub any more. It makes me sad to go in them now, remembering how busy and vibrant they were when I was younger.

Totally agree with you - what I wonder is are all those people who are too busy (which I totally understand) going to wake up in 10 years time to no friends or social circle and are they not concerened? Thats why I put in loads of effort now evn though it is really not easy as we are two busy working parents but I think about the long term!

I also think its because we do so much with our kids, including numerous sports clubs, dance, swimming etc. Add in working and you don't really have the time/energy?

Point 1 is so valid. I was thinking the other day that my children lead charmed lives compared to my childhood (in some ways, way less so in others). We visit a cafe or get an ice cream or something on average once a week, my toddler and I do things like go to a soft play or a gymnastics class or something along those lines once or twice a week, we have picnics multiple times a week. These things were huge treats when I was a child. I remember the excitement of a day out and packing a picnic, it was a big thing! I don't remember mum ever having food in her bag for example, or going to her for a snack other than an apple maybe. Sometimes I look at what we've achieved in a weekend or a half term and to my inner child it's about a years worth of activities. It doesn't feel like a lot, it's just what people seem to do now. But if we're out at cafes and parks and soft plays etc, then we're not hanging out at each others houses.

It's also a lot easier to be out as then I don't have to tidy up afterwards because we haven't been home to make a mess!

With the second point...how often do you see those friends who live further away? We used to spend weekends going to visit people and doing those things, but now everyone (or everyone else, we're not there yet thankfully!) has kids sports clubs and things on the weekends it's harder to squeeze visits into the schedules when people live far away.