AIBU to think we simply don’t socialize like our parents did?

[Enchanted82]

I have been thinking lately about how much more insular and less social people are now compared to my parents era. I’m early forties, young family, lived in different places and always put friendships and making new friends/acquaintances a priority and I love hosting but I do feel lots of other families don’t seem to want/enjoy having people round or meeting up much at all!
in the 80’s my parents and friends parents were round each others houses, enjoying their company regularly but I don’t feel my husband and I have this despite being sociable people.
what’s changed?

It could also be that restaurants, great cafes and clubs etc exist now when back in the day they didn’t. I assume hosting at home was cheaper than dining out was back then. Now restaurants are a good option so people choose to socialise out rather than at home and I definitely spend less money if we meet up with friends at a restaurant vs if I am hosting them (obviously cheaper for the guests to come to ours but significantly more expensive for me so something I will do say, at Christmas but not regularly).

People fill their time with paid activities now, especially with children, finding a time to meet up is nigh on impossible my sil says, her kids have activities every day and competitions on weekends. I think people have less confidence entertaining now and crucially more money than yesterday to eat out

@Pollipops1

We didn't have much space 25 years ago but still had friends over. Unless you have a bedsit (no separate living room) then you can host a couple of parents and kids to play and for coffee

I regularly have friends over and go to friends houses for coffee. We do BBQs in the summer, send out group texts and whoever is free will come up to the local pub.

A lot more women work full time now which means people just aren't free to make friends like they used to and everyone is so busy with all the extra curricular activities for kids and making their lives look good on social media, they don't appreciate the simple meet ups anymore. It's always got to be some expensive bottomless brunch or a weekend away.

On a similar theme, I’ve found committments to regular activities have massively decreased since COVID. I sing in a local choir, conveniently a 2 min walk from my house (so happy to leave my toddler with a neighbours teenager).
post COVID, the oldies (65+) couldn’t get back first enough. The 30-60yr have never come back.

I think I socialise more than my parents did.

I did start listing what I've done in the past 3 weeks or so but it got long. It probably helps that I'm in a fairly rural area where I've lived for decades which is very social and interconnected: a walk with the dogs can become a social session quite easily. Even DH who is not very social has various things he does with friends on a regular basis.

I also wonder if it’s how we are basically connected to others through social media and phones etc now 100% of the time. So people need a break. Vs in the 80s if you didn’t actively socialise you were just alone and didn’t know what anyone else was thinking or getting up to. Maybe we have just reached peak connection in our society so it makes sense that there is an urge to withdraw when we can, which is usually when we are back at home?

In the decade you describe the work rate of women was a lot lower. No judgement just statistics. I imagine that when both ppl are working full time to keep a roof over their head there is less tolerance of the upheaval that guests necessarily creates.

People work more. Have smaller houses. Take more of an active role in parenting their kids. Which takes time, energy and means you don't plan unsuitable kid activities like spending the day in the pub leaving them to their own devices with a coke and pack of quavers so you can drink with your mates.

I've reflected on this recently too. I'm late 30s and growing up in the 90s my parents had a large friend group that was very important to them, we were constantly touring each others' houses at weekends and meeting up at events.

I feel like I dont have ANY close friends and trying to maintain that lifestyle makes me feel tired just thinking about it.

I think we work harder maybe - my mum got dole very easily and studied for a free degree, my stepdad just worked in a factory and that was enough to maintain us. He worked 7 til 5 or something, rarely had to do overtime.

Me personally I got fed up of hosting all my friends as it seemed like we were never ever invited back or if we were it was on a date we couldn't make.

Got fed up of other kids pulling every random toy we had out and then having to do a massive tidy up afterwards. Yes the kids/parents should have done it but it gets late and some point you just want them out

We live abroad and even on taking time, effort and expense to travel to see family we have still on numerous occasions not been invited to their house and had to meet up at cafe/soft play. It's a bit beyond a joke.

However they come abroad to see us and we have them in our house and usually to stay

I don’t know if it’s such generational difference, it’s all very anecdotal. I used to be a very sociable person and often hosted lots of my house and went to others. For a variety of reasons my social life is pretty dead in the water at the moment, friendships have drifted, I’ve stopped bothering. I’ve become less tolerant of people and doing lots of hosting. I think Covid had an impact on many friendships. Plus my children are older now and I work full time. When my children were younger I was a stay at home mum so had more time for socialising and lots of child centred hosting.

@JMSA agree about children developing social skills through their parents' socialising

My parents used to invite their friends over quite often. I didn't like making small talk with then, or their children (rarely my age / shared interests), but I managed

My DC rarely socialise with people they don't already know and like

I don't think it's coincidence that many of their generation say they have social anxiety (aka, for most of them, appropriately mildly uncomfortable around people they don't know)

You are so right. These days people prioritise material things, not social closeness. Why spend x amount of pounds on going to the theatre/show, etc. as a group, when you can re-decorate (why????) for the umpteenth time. Mine used to be in a local choir, gran was even in a local dramatics society in her village, not to mention their rich church lives with fetes, etc. We are more stupid these days (me very much included I think). We are all about me-me-me, 'personal development' (what on Earth?) and boundaries. You are right. Social skills are gone too. Civility is gone.

My mum never socialised, didn't have friends and we only had relatives to our house. I'm a bit older than you OP but we have a great social life, and are out every weekend, or have people over for bbq's in the summer etc. We also have friends who no longer live here visit for weekends quite often, and we go to see them. This was the same when my children were growing up to. Maybe it's just the people you know OP?

I think it depends on your parents. As a child we saw some cousins once a year, the other set once every couple of years and grand parents most weeks. Family friends maybe twice a year... ? I can't really remember.
My parents never, ever went out to the pub.
They are more sociable now since all children left. I assume it was lack of money/energy that stopped them socialising more.

We socialise more but not on a regular weekly basis. Tbh there ard plenty of days when I don't even want to socialise with my husband and children 😂

My parents social life came from the church and pub, but never in the house. I grew up used to never having visitors. I don't have anyone over, apart from the kids friends. If my husband wants friends over to drink and watch football, I always ask him to go to the pub with them instead. Because it feels like invasion of privacy, we live in a tiny house and would all be together in one room! Unless the children and I stay in the bedrooms! It could be to do with the size of homes now. Many new builds are smaller than the old ones. Mine is half the size of my parents (1970s vs 1900).

My parents mostly socialised with their families (both large sibling groups who stayed close to home). Dad also played golf but I don’t remember ‘dinner parties etc’

My DH and I have tons more friends because we don’t have that family. We used to do the whole ‘dinner party’ thing but now it’s mostly meet out somewhere. First, it will cost me the same as if I were catering (£100ish) and secondly I hate the hours of cleaning that come with entertaining.

The house size one is funny - I don't think it's that exactly - certainly not in the case of my family circle anyway

Perhaps it's more social media expectations meaning people don't all shove in together like they used to - I know I laugh every time people say they want a guest room and a separate room for each child and wonder how I ever survived - visitors slept in the living room , children would bunk together to free up a single bed that was enough for 2 adults.

Casual guests were acceptable- then Dinner was whatever was for 4 shared between 8 - no need to offer your guests anything beyond a cup of tea though , alcohol if there was some or a trip to the pub

It was filled with laughter every time any stood on a foot or queued for the single loo - attitudes have changed

I think this is true but I actually also think we probably socialised less years ago and I wonder if that isn’t the difference. With social events gravitating around restaurants and coffee shops more, it’s much easier to organise something and to do it more often. I don’t know if socialising more has driven a change in how we do it, or if the cafe culture has led us to socialise more. But I remember going out to restaurants to socialise - esp as two whole families - was much more unusual and a big event. We had people over and went to them BUT there were also lots of weekends we did nothing and weeknight socialising was very rare.

This definitely. Never enough time to get the house visitor ready, plus most friends live too far away.

Yep, I had a SAHM and I remember going round to other SAHM’s houses all the time in childhood. We’d be booted into the playroom or the garden for hours while the mums chatted.

Im not a SAHM and none of my friends are. Only a handful are keen to meet at home at weekends. Most want to meet out. I’m not sure what’s caused the change, but it’s a shame as I loved an old school play date 😂

I agree with this, if you live rurally you have to socialise and make an effort or you simply won’t see anyone! You have the pheasants for company. I noticed it’s very friendly in rural villages, people look out for each other.

Do you mean that people socialise less or that they don't host at home like they used to?

In terms of hosting at home, I think women being stay at home mothers facilitated that. It's far easier to host if you've been home all week and had time to clean the house and prepare for guests. Much harder if you've been working all week and then have to spend Saturday rushing around cleaning the house, catching up on laundry, tending to the garden and then preparing a meal and serving your guests. Not to mention all the cleaning up afterwards or the next day.

I think people lived closer to their jobs also and had much shorter commutes. So they had shorter working days.

Also, families are more child centred these days. Back in the day, kids didn't do so many activities. My brother played football but he walked to his training sessions. My parents didn't have a car so they couldn't have driven him even if they'd wanted to. I don't know how he got to football matches - I must ask him. Likewise, my sisters and I were in the girl guides but we just walked to the centre where we met every Wednesday night. These days parents seem to spend their weekends ferrying their kids around to birthday parties, sports clubs, dance classes etc.