AIBU to think we simply don’t socialize like our parents did?

[Enchanted82]

I have been thinking lately about how much more insular and less social people are now compared to my parents era. I’m early forties, young family, lived in different places and always put friendships and making new friends/acquaintances a priority and I love hosting but I do feel lots of other families don’t seem to want/enjoy having people round or meeting up much at all!
in the 80’s my parents and friends parents were round each others houses, enjoying their company regularly but I don’t feel my husband and I have this despite being sociable people.
what’s changed?

It’s a combination of changes in how many of us live isn’t it? I remember upto the late 70s my parents, looking back, certainly talked more and mixed socially more with neighbours than I’ve ever done, grandparents even more so, there was no social media then, no mobile phones , people probably were more social, my mam used to talk about how they didn’t even always lock the doors If they went out as a family when young(late 30s), so much has changed

YANBU. Different world, my parents friends and family were always over when I was a kid.
For me personally it's probably these reasons. ( This is purely my experience. My family, my opinions)

1. location - I now live quite close to my parents but I've moved around for work and uni. The people I would call my super close friends now - (or to put it another way, the only " Non-Relatives" That would comfortably pop over to my house) Can't do so because they are spread all over the country and the world. My parents family and friends generally lived worked socialised within maybe an hour's drive of each other for life. Also, I met my husband at uni, he here comes from another town so now we don't live near his family so we're kind of doing half the socialising on a local level, That we would have been if we'd come from the same town.
2. social media - it just creates this illusion that we have to be doing really interesting things all the time!! Which isn't sustainable. It also creates this sort of fake socialisation where you post something and you feel like you've chatted to all of your friends about it, but actually they may not have even seen it (if that makes sense)
3. lockdown- I don't know about the rest of you and this may be really really sad. But the thing I learnt quickly in lockdown is that I'm really okay with just myself for company 😂. I just found a lot of other things to preoccupy myself with rather than socialising. Years later I'm really not okay with this. I would rather have a few more friends But it's difficult as an adult and as a parent to put yourself out there in that way I think.

I also think ( maybe this is a social media problem) That we put a very high standard on what our houses should look like before people visit, which creates a bit of a vicious cycle because you go around, your mate's house is super tidy because they stress-tided before you came, so when they come you want it to be super tidy and so on and so forth. I think with my parents and their friends they just accepted " You've got kids. It's going to be a mess. It's fine as long as there's a couple of clean mugs for tea". When my my aunts or my mum's friends will come over when we were a kid it wouldn't be unusual for my mum to be cooking us tea, putting a wash on and just get on and have a chat at the same time!

Yeah same! Let's gather all the hosters from this thread, move to a village and make it the most social place on earth 😂

I remember my parents socialising a lot in the 80s and I also remember visiting a lot of imperfect or slightly messy houses. I think a lot of people, me included, don’t have people round to visit anymore because of the expectation that everyone has to live in an instagram perfect home.

I think there's a lot in this. It's like we're all hyper connected, but in a virtual, superficial way. Why catch up with a friend if you know what's going on in their life from social media? Same reason people don't phone each other any more. Back in the day I used to have chats for hours with friends; now there doesn't seem much point.

My house pride comes from my nan and my mum tbh. I'm not on social media at all. I dont remember my mother ever having laundry in her room waiting to be sorted out. She didn't have a 'chair' of things she wore that day. The windows were clean, there was no dust, there wasn't even anything on the draining board. The garden was always immaculate, she was growing flowers and veg etc. She had 5 kids and a full time job, AND still did evening classes like pottery or something every now and again, and we often had people to the house. My dad worked away a lot too. She also looked bloody immaculate constantly, like Princess Diana chic. She had her hair done, make up, eyebrows perfect, long skirts and heels on. I'm a world apart.

I have genuinely no idea how she did it. None. Not a scoobie. Apart from the fact that she never sat still, ever. But then I don't either, when people are over I'm always bustling about doing stuff whilst I chat. There are still clothes on my floor though, a pile of laundry to be put away and I genuinely do not recall the last time I dusted😂

My mum always had friends round or neighbours, and family would just turn up, our house was always busy with visitors, but I think that’s why I prefer not to have so many visitors! Also, my parents lived in the same area as most of their family, where as I had to move away to afford a property.

I agree OP. I'd put it down to this town, where I've never struggled with friendships like I have with school parents here, where reciprocal relationships doesnt appear to be a thing....but maybe something else culturally too, to add to the mix.

I think this might be family dependent as we are always socialising with other families.

My antenatal group still meets up very regularly - play dates at each other’s houses, park trips, picnic etc. We’re also going on a big camping trip this summer with them all.

We meet with our core group of friends at least twice a month and there is roughly 6 families and 15 children who all play together.
We also spend NYE with 4 other families, this is increasing as well now more of our friends are having children. There will be 7 families this year and 14 children.

We try to keep one full weekend a month and one day at the weekend to do stuff with my husband and toddler, but every other weekend is with friends/antenatal group.

@rainbowduplo yes! This is exactly my husband and I - we both make as much effort as we can to invite people round or organise gatherings at a pub but its always us being the instigators and rarely reciprocated. We both work and are busy and dont have loads of time but having friendships whether they arer very old friends or others you dont know well are so important!
I cannot understand why so many people we know never want proactively invite round or seem bothered - i was thinking its me but it seems like people just arent as bothered as I am. wont they feel lonely later in life?

In the 70s and 80s my parents were massive dinner party people. To the point that they had a notebook detailing which people were invited (often couples that didn't know each other), what food they had (can you imagine giving Paul and Barbara prawn cocktail as a starter twice in a row?!) and whether the couples meshed well.
My mum did the cooking, my dad did the wine and setting the table and they would go on until the early hours. When my parents went to dinner parties at other people's houses, it was largely the same set up, sometimes meeting a couple they hadn't met before or had met once or twice at previous dinner parties.
I would be dragged along and once it got late, I'd be put to bed in a random bedroom upstairs and they'd bring my pillow and quilt off my own bed for the backseat on the way home - my dad would carry me in and put me in bed when we got home.
I think people have more pressure on them at work these days, and working hungover isn't something people want to do. For those with the income for things like wraparound childcare, hobbies and activities for children after school and at weekends, it just means there's less time and money for hosting people. The cost is prohibitive and you obviously can't just let your small child use the back seat of a car as a bed these days (Car sleeps were the best sleeps I've ever had though!)

Add to that, increased entertainment options at home and it's understandable why people would do that less.
So yes I think we socialise differently these days but there's numerous reasons why.

I'm 45 and I remember my childhood being filled with people round our house - it used to drive my dad mad! My mum loved, and still loves, having people round but I am my fathers daughter and I loathe people round my house. I don't know why to be honest, I used to love it as a kid, but as an adult I feel very on edge when people are round, like I can't relax properly. Not an aspect of myself I like very much and I worry that I'm not providing my children with a sociable childhood like I had but, on the other hand, they socialise out of the house with clubs and play dates etc. They also have gaming parties with their friends online so they're never short of people. Perhaps times have just changed?

We've got quite a lot of friends and I did used to host regularly but since covid we've been meeting out much more often. The main reason being they never used to bloody leave until really late! I was tired after cleaning, cooking, hosting and although I always enjoyed the evening, I was ready for them to leave by 10.30/11 .... not 1am!

Met friends yesterday .... table booked for 3pm, we were off by 5.30 😁

Agreed- we don't have people round often for dinner etc partly due to lack of space, lack of money, having small children with bedtime routines to do....I have people round for playdates often, but it sometimes feels abit one sided with afew of them that they want to come here and not invite us back, which can be frustrating as we end up with all the mess to tidy up each time!

We both work two jobs, full time. It’s just not possible.

I find that too, and it’s very off putting. It ends up taking up a whole weekend from start to finish. We are getting too old and too tired to have such late nights! 😂

One of my friends was the organiser. She moved away (we still keep in touch and visit regularly) and whilst the rest of us want to meet up, we miss her keeping us organised and doing it regularly. It’s not for lack of wanting to, just life gets in the way and we don’t get round to it as much.

rainbow - as long as your friends seem keen and appreciative, keep on organising whilst minimising the expense to yourselves. All social groups need a good organiser.

My father grew up in a very large family with a revolving door policy and my mother did not. He was social but worked on a small team of medical staff whereas my mother worked in public-facing jobs. Our home was not a revolving door (thank god!) which my mother would have hated as would I. Dealing with the public and then going home to have visitors would have drove her mad.

The only people that visited were friends and family and often said they were stopping by beforehand because parents were usually not home until 5 and we had dance classes and after school clubs and if not those, we went to see family and by time we were home for the night it was 8:30pm/9 pm so often the house was empty. We met friends out most of the time which was easier for us. My parents didn’t start having people over until my sister and I had moved out, but they still both go out more to see people than have people come over.

I also rather meet people out than have them come over. I’m usually doing numerous things and chores at home so why would I also want to host people which would be another host of chores for me to add on when we can meet for a walk, go to a cafe or restaurant. These days though, I just want a day to myself without someone talking to me and being on low level alert.

There are plenty of threads on MN where people are moaning about the fact that random strangers say hello to them in passing or start conversations. I think people are just much more miserable and wrapped up in themselves nowadays to engage with anyone outside their immediate family.

The Internet is what's changed.

We used to have parties, dinner parties, day trips. Our kids all knew each other from a local mother and toddler group long before school.

It's so sad that this doesn't all happen anymore.

We were often in the pub garden in the summer until it got dark when parents met up friends and we played with their kids. My mum was always hosting dinner parties, Dad was chair or whatever it is of the Rotary club and it was expected. Family always came to us for Sunday lunch or we went to theirs. Every Sunday. My mum was SAHM and we had an au pair.

People just used to knock on the off chance we were in. that would never happen now.

Pre kids we socialised with our friends every week, meal or pub, bbqs in the summer, dinner parties etc. Then the babies started arriving and it became difficult to organise and then as more babies arrived no one really had the space to host the whole group, then activities took over as the kids got older. We are all mostly out of the child stage now, the kids can be left alone and do their own thing and we see each other much more regularly.

Living life online has probably stunted the ability to socially interact.

It was very very rare that my parents did things like that. We'd have met up with their friends and their kids from time to time but mostly the socialised by phoning each other. I'd say me and dh are more social than my parents would have been. I'd love to host more but we can't afford a bigger house to do it in and our current house is really too small to fit the people we'd want in it. So we tend to socialise out and about instead of in our home. But that costs money and with col I think everyone is tightening the purse strings a little. I think it really depends on personality and how extroverted you are and what your family were like.

@Zebedee999 youve made me think that I have a very small extended family as many live far away. Perhaps thats why i feel i want to build friendships nearby and have people I can hopefully rely on whenever that might be!

I'm in my 50s. My childhood memories are of men socialising at the pub together, while women socialised together in the day time in each others kitchens. On the odd weekend my mum and dad would meet other couples at the social club. I guess the modern day equivalent of this is the lads night out/girly lunch which I know many young couples still do.
In the 90s, we would socialise with other families, at child friendly pubs, or in each others homes and my adult children do much the same thing now with their families and friends.
DP and I don't do much of it, because we don't have to. With no DC to consider now we go out and about to meet friends or with each other.
I think its less about 'changing times', and more about life stage and whether you have a friendship group or not. Although as people get busier and have less surplus income, socialising is often an early casualty. So maybe there's something there.