AIBU to think we simply don’t socialize like our parents did?

[Enchanted82]

I have been thinking lately about how much more insular and less social people are now compared to my parents era. I’m early forties, young family, lived in different places and always put friendships and making new friends/acquaintances a priority and I love hosting but I do feel lots of other families don’t seem to want/enjoy having people round or meeting up much at all!
in the 80’s my parents and friends parents were round each others houses, enjoying their company regularly but I don’t feel my husband and I have this despite being sociable people.
what’s changed?

My parents were really unsociable. I don’t remember my dad ever mentioning any friends at all - certainly none came to his funeral. Mum had one best friend who lived a couple of hours away - she would always get so stressed if she was coming over and made it seem like it was a big intrusion. Neither of them ever went anywhere to meet with friends. Mum had a colleague who would sometimes drop round unannounced for a coffee and she was always complaining about how rude that was.

Whereas my husband and I make a real effort to see friends - admittedly it’s not all the time, but we’ll try to make sure we invite them round for dinner a couple of times a year (I know that doesn’t sound like much but we’re talking about different groups of friends, so that’s still hosting every month or so) as well as making sure we go to the bigger events throughout the year.

I agree, I can remember aunts and uncles coming over to play cards together an evening a week, and definitely more socialising, we had an aunt and uncle that lived very rurally, didn’t have a phone etc and on a Sunday afternoons in the summer we would just turn up, usually around 8 of us, always welcome and would have tea and cake in the garden, of their small holding. There were more sports clubs, like snooker/darts teams etc, now younger people go to a gym to exercise rather than socialise. Now I think communication is mainly internet based and younger people don’t seem to want to socialise in the same ways, that I was used to growing up. It’s a shame but times have changed.

The 8yo thing. That's me. I stay and lie with DC until they are asleep. So by 8pm I an utterly f%&ked. DH feels the same although he would love to have people over.

My parents seemed unusually unsocial in their time but would probably be about average now. I worry about how isolated they might be in old age.

I reach out a lot to friends now but I'm competing with their local family and children's activities. My university friends aren't local and neither are my family so we don't see each other very often. I don't want my children to have the insular upbringing that I had so I keep trying even if it is a bit of a one way street.

I'm mid-40s and I socialise probably more than my parents. They usually only saw people or had people over on the weekends, whereas I spend time with friends at least 3-4 times a week. Having a big friendship circle has always been a priority for me and I get energised from seeing them.

I do notice a difference with my kids though who are in their late teens/early 20s. It's much harder for them to make friends and the ones they make tend to be quite flaky. It's better now than it was in their early teens but it's still nowhere near how it was when I was their age. I don't think I was home more than to sleep basically, and sometimes not even then.

I prefer going put during the day to meet friends. I am at my most awake at that time of day. I am possessive of my evenings. Like to spend my evenings reading books.

I used to have people round a lot pre-covid as I enjoy hosting. However, I think I became unconditioned to it during the pandemic - we moved out of town as did a lot of our friends, and it's now more effort for people to come, and I feel more exhausted about the idea and reality of hosting, even though objectively we now have more space to do so. We had a couple of friends' gatherings and a family gathering last year, but not the regularity of so and so popping over for lunch/dinner etc that we previously had.

I read something the other day about a "third place" and back in the "olden days" people would have somewhere that wasn't work or home to hang out and other people with similar interests to socialise with. With my in-laws it was the St John Ambulance, and they would do lots of socialising with them outside of meetings. With my parents it was the working man's club, and socialising was mostly done there but there were also family trips to the seaside etc. We don't do anything like that. If we meet other families it's somewhere kid friendly.

I'm 46 and when I was little most mums in my parents mileau still didn't work so that probably meant not socialising. My parents used to do lots of dinner parties when we were kids, but then it was the 80s!

I have friends over a lot - will cook a curry or a roast or a huge lasagne. No-one ever reciprocates. I don’t mind (much!) as I like cooking and entertaining.

My parents used to have parties and friends over for drinks regularly. We also used to go and see my grandmother a couple of weekends a month - small council flat crammed with my mother and at least three of her siblings, all of my cousins, kids sitting on the floor. The adults would drink wine and beer and we’d have something from the Corona man’s delivery and some crisps. I meet up with two of my cousins regularly but we always go out to dinner or lunch rather than to someone’s house.

I think social media is to blame. My Nan worked, as did my Mum, her sister and sisters in law.

We are 80’s parents. We lived on the metropolitan line and all of my mum friends were like me in that we had no families nearby. Our husbands commuted daily and we’re out from 7 till 7.
Most of us mums only worked pt and couldn’t afford to go to restaurants so socialising was dinner parties at the weekend .
Nothing fancy, lasagne, home made dessert and some cheap wine.
If I made profiteroles my dc would get them for breakfast next morning.
In the week we had coffee at each others homes.
The only restaurant meals we had were our anniversary and Christmas.

I miss those days.

I’m mid 50s and socialise a lot more than my parents ever did. I don’t think they had any friends, just church acquaintances they saw at church.

My parents large place of work had a brilliant social club in the 80's. It was family friendly and had space for kids to play in. I don't think there are many left these days.

I think your point about being sad that we are too tired as young parents to socialize is absolutely right. I often wonder what will happen in 10 years time when kids are grown up- I want a life beyond my husband so I do try and put in as much effort now to maintain friendships near and far. But it’s a two way street!

My parents didn’t really socialise that much when I was growing up. My dad would go to the village pub once or twice a week in the evenings but my mum would hardly ever go anywhere. My mum only socialised with other mums during play dates but not often at all. I definitely socialise more than they did.

@WhatNoRaisins I also feel the same when reaching out to friends, it’s difficult but I persevere. I do t want to be 50, kids grown up and I’m isolated with no friends. I actually panic over this despite having lots of friends.
on this thread it doesn’t seem to worry people or maybe they just haven’t mentioned it. We both work full time and it’s an effort but I think it’s so important for the long haul of life

DH and I socialise far more than my parents did. They never had or went to dinner parties. They both belonged to a hobby group each but that was it.

Unlike many mumsnetters we love having visitors and overnight guests (probably because they don't outstay their welcome )

We always had house guests staying for a long weekend, often around friends and families homes, dinner parties were a regular, as were trips to the pub and meals out.

Up until my 30’s, I was pretty similar but certainly I’m much more insular now and lead a quieter life and it seems the norm these days.

I got lucky with the (much maligned on here) baby groups and made some nice friends.

I expressed some worry to my own parents about how now we're all heading back to work and kids starting full time at different schools etc. I'm worried about us drifting apart. My DP were like "we just went to work and had no social life and we're fine". I just thought ok..... and didn't say anything.

We host family a lot, once a fortnight, sometimes more. We also have 1 family locally that we're good friends with, we take turns hosting every 3 months or so for dinner and games and see each other outside of that too. Other friends I meet out and about mainly.

we found lockdown really made us appreciate our time together as an immediate family and we have tried to reduce extended family obligations since then.

I actually think women are more sociable on average nowadays.

Its anecdata of one but my mum had almost no social life of her own: she had lost touch with the friends that were hers and mainly just enabled my dad’s social life. She was constantly required to put dinner parties on for him and his friends at the drop of a hat. She did get on with them and their families but it very much felt like an extension of my dad’s friendships. I can’t remember her ever going to do anything on her own with a girlfriend.

I think women of my generation (born early 70s) and later are generally much better at keeping their own networks up and carving out space for friendships they have chosen themselves as opposed to having to go along with being mates with the wives and partners of their spouses friends. That’s one of the many benefits of getting married older in my view: women have more time to develop an independent identity and don’t just get lost in being one half of a couple.

I blame social media. Why pop round to eg ask your neighbour about scouts / brownies, when you can look up info online, or send a WhatsApp?

And if you don't chat to your neighbour, you're unlikely to invite them over for coffee

And if you don't meet for coffee, then you're unlikely to go to their house for dinner

Also, in the past, restaurants were expensive, for special occasions only. It was cheaper to host at home

My parents didn't really socialise much tbh.
I socialised more in my teens/twenties/thirties than they did, but in my 40's I am not overly sociable either.
I think that different factors affect how people socialise and keep in touch - we definitely write less letters, probably phone less, but we do send messages and use SM etc.

OP, it's so true! And I tell you what, I'd say that me and my siblings had better social skills with adults than my kids do, as a result.
I'm an introverted single parent. My eldest is 22 and for years and years I did the playdates thing, and having mums and children round. I'd never want my kids to miss out in any way. But it's now that my girls are older teens, I realise just how much I like my own space. I'm still happy to have people round, but it's much MUCH less.
In fact, my 18 year old said to me the other day, 'mum, don't you think it's a shame that we don't have any family friends?'
To be fair, I see that as more of a couples thing. And their friends are still welcome round! I just don't have many of my own

My parents didn't socialise often. They never did dinner parties or New Year's parties and I never knew any of their 'friends' as being part of my life
My kids do know my friends