AIBU to think we simply don’t socialize like our parents did?

[Enchanted82]

I have been thinking lately about how much more insular and less social people are now compared to my parents era. I’m early forties, young family, lived in different places and always put friendships and making new friends/acquaintances a priority and I love hosting but I do feel lots of other families don’t seem to want/enjoy having people round or meeting up much at all!
in the 80’s my parents and friends parents were round each others houses, enjoying their company regularly but I don’t feel my husband and I have this despite being sociable people.
what’s changed?

Social media now makes things easy- no incentive to actually meet up and speak to people to catch up. Long hours at work with both parents, lack of time and houses being much more comfortable with every mod con.

I agree and I wish we did socialise like our parents did. We’re all watching Netflix and working too hard imo

I’m in my 60s and rarely go out to a pub unless it’s to eat.
My parents went to the pub at least four times a week and then ended up going to each others houses after, driving there and back no drink driving law then . I think, thankfully that drinking and driving changed things it’s such a hassle getting a taxi, plus babysitters and it’s so expensive now.

I think one of the reasons could be the difference in financial circumstances. The people my parents socialised with in their community were fairly similar wealth wise. Their houses were relatively on par within a certain financial bandwidth. A lot of them were in the construction industry or factory workers, active in their church etc. They all owned detached houses on a good size block with enough rooms to fit in a good sized family.

Whereas now I have friends who encompass a very wide financial bandwidth. Some earn loads, and have very large houses (which now cost a freaking fortune compared to when my parents bought/built) but others are in small flats, and some will be renting for their whole lives.

It takes a lot of courage to entertain someone in a very modest home when you know they are wealthy. Much easier to just eat out or catch up for drinks.

I socialise much more than my parents did. Not at home, but I go out. Meet friends for lunches / evening meals / theatre, and also in a walking group that has 3 walks a week with a pub lunch every Saturday plus drinks on a Monday. I’m a sociable person but also like my home time, I like my early nights so don’t like being out late but this works for me.

I'm sort of glad you brought this up. I thought it was just us! My parents weren't great entertainers but when I was in my 20s. In the 1990s I used to host and go to dinner parties. It was a time before Costa and pubs were for drinking in - did a lot of that too!

Since I've had kids done really little of it and not any for 5 years.

This isn't true for me personally. DH and I socialise with friends much more frequently than my parents did when I was growing up. I'm 50.

I think it’s mainly down to individuals and their family’s temperament and choices. My parents were also very sociable (as am I) but my best friends family seemed to go out of their way to avoid unnecessary social interaction.

There is also the post COVID fashion whereby everyone who is slightly grumpy or socially awkward has to identify (erroneously) as an “introvert” and go on at great length about how much they dislike and want to avoid other people. Usually it’s just cantankerousness or attention seeking.

I think this hits the nail on the head! People would be bored stiff in the 80s staying in as much as we do now!
I do think todays world suits being introverted a lot better though whether that’s a good or bad thing I don’t know.

I see two sides of this.

We always used to meet up at home and let the children play (mine are teens) many were at home. Now we all work no one has the energy to host, it’s a lot of work and clearing up. So much easier to go out to a restaurant.

I do still go to and have dinners at home with friends but not regularly. It’s too intense. I love my friendships too op, but I think what you are looking for IS less available due to people’s exhaustion. If you have the time and energy keep inviting your friends over but be prepared they may not be able to reciprocate for a few year or at all.

I enjoy parties in the garden. Love socialising!

Dh and I seem to find ourselves socialising every weekend. This weekend just gone I’ve been out every night Thursday - Sunday. When a free weekend comes up we always say “right let’s keep it this way” but invariably something impromptu will pop up even if it’s just getting together with family for a roast on the Sunday. Dh has a Sunday hobby which involves socialising and my dds, who are in their late teens / twenties are always coming and going with their own social lives. So the majority of this thread doesn’t reflect us at all. I must admit though I’ve slowed down on the entertaining since Covid and no longer feel the need to host big dinner parties. Now we tend to have a max of 6 over. Quite pleased about that as they are so exhausting and expensive!

Also. This thread makes me feel sad about what is happening in society now. As a pp says, it is quite worrying that there seem to be so many insulated and by extension isolated families out there with no support network. It’s really sad that social media is not only forming the basis now for people’s real life friendships but also making people feel ‘not good enough’ to host others. Sad too that so may of the younger generation are now working endless hours and forced to live in such small flats/houses and feel that they are unable to have people over.

I also think people have become paranoid about how their house looks.
I agree that unless your house looks freshly decorated in the latest shade of grey, minimal with nothing out and just the odd staged photos in matching frames, people daren’t invite guests round.
You have to have a land rover on the drive or else you aren’t good enough.
When I was growing up nobody cared.
Nobody cared if there weren’t enough matching chairs, you made do.
Need a glass? Just use a panic beaker.
You don’t really need to leave the house now.
Back then TV was rubbish.
I disagree that people work longer hours now. Maybe different hours but not more.
My mum worked full time until the day she retired. All my aunties and uncles worked until retirement age too.
Families split up now and with that people lose their friendship groups.
Covid has led to people being more insular.
I certainly don’t want to be in close proximity to strangers. I like keeping a social distance.

Yes a lot, more introvert and insular, plus more general anxiety, plus internet, then Covid. My parents had dinner parties regularly. I miss all that and am very social so dislike how it's changed.

Mums working longer hours don't have the bandwidth to plan and prepare for social events.

My mum was always the one who cooked if friends were over, she worked full time but as a teacher and the hours back then weren't as bad and she didn't work at all in holidays.

Commuting further to work means no one lives near colleagues

We do still socialise with local friends but everyone is just so busy

For us honestly we're just too tired. When mu children were little I was a stay at home parent for a bit and we had people over more for bbqs, meals, went on days out with friends etc. Hung out in each others houses but now I'm working full time alongside raising a family, life admin, keeping on top of everything, going to the gym, clubs etc... I've got nothing left for anything else 🤷‍♀️

Working full time leaves me with little energy for socialising.

There are more options to go out. Women work and have their own money. People are time poor and getting the house ready, deciding a menu, shopping, prepping, cooking and cleaning, is just far too much work unless you have staff.

Dd and I walk back from school with others and yes we all pop in, at the moment play dates arranged etc.

There definitely is a difference. I host friends for dinner probably every 1 to 2 weeks on average (4 different sets of friends, plus a few who are further away). They host me much less often, and often suggest going out for dinner instead. I have two sets of friends who host me back out of four, and of those only one set has me to visit equivalently often.

I usually have two decent sized parties a year plus a few events for 8 or so with drinks and food. None of my friends host anything tbh, one set has the occasional decent sized party.

I don't have a bigger house than anyone else or anything like that. But I am a confident cook, and I have several friends who pretty much eat ready meals/meal prep loads of chicken at the weekend/similar.

I don't generally do massively fancy food - a main and a pudding, sometimes some nibbles, sometimes even just a main if it's a weeknight dinner. But it's a far cry from meal prepped chicken.

I'm in my fifties and I don't think my parents ever socialised much ,why would they spend much needed family money on food and drink that wasn't needed .?Why would they spend much needed family money on sitters ?

This. And hosting can be expensive, plus people might be embarassed by the state of their homes if they don't have time/energy to keep it clean and tidy.

Growing up in the 1980s, my parents weren't particularly sociable with lots of friends, so I don't recognise that particularly anyway. They also hardly ever drank alcohol. We had family over frequently or visited family but that was much more informal.

I socialise and have people round more than they ever did, even if it's not that often.

My parents never socialised. My mum didn’t have any friends. My dad had one who he would see periodically.
We are much more social. I see my friends regularly, we see DH less but that’s because of distance.
My mum gave up work when she had children and I often wonder how she wasn’t bored when we were both in school with no one to meet up with. I guess it meant the house was immaculate though which mine isn’t

Yes, but , as others have said, for several reasons.
Also, socialisation now seems to be about mixing with children, which I really couldn't be bothered with. When I had small children and went out, it was to get away from my children and have an adult conversation.
I find it very sad that there seem to be no babysitting circles now. They were an absolute godsend.

Completely ageee OP. My parents both worked full time but had people over every weekend (even if it was the neighbours for a quick pre dinner drink) and my childhood was spent at family friends’ houses. Nothing expensive or fancy but we socialised extensively every weekend. I look at our kitchen calendar now and feel sad. In regularly invite people over but the invites are very rarely reciprocated.