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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think we simply don’t socialize like our parents did?

526 replies

Enchanted82 · 19/05/2024 22:11

I have been thinking lately about how much more insular and less social people are now compared to my parents era. I’m early forties, young family, lived in different places and always put friendships and making new friends/acquaintances a priority and I love hosting but I do feel lots of other families don’t seem to want/enjoy having people round or meeting up much at all!
in the 80’s my parents and friends parents were round each others houses, enjoying their company regularly but I don’t feel my husband and I have this despite being sociable people.
what’s changed?

OP posts:
poshsnobtwit · 19/05/2024 22:57

Pollipops1 · 19/05/2024 22:53

I really don't understand why young mums take their babies/toddlers/pre-schoolers and meet their friends in Costa or somewhere. There's nothing for the kids to do.

because many young people don’t have the space to host a group of mums, babies & their buggies. Plus it’s a reason to get up and get out of the house.

The babies, buggies and hot drinks are such a hazard though. I remember being in a coffee shop where the walkway was so congested with prams that customers had to lift their trays of hot drinks high up, over the top of prams, some of which had sleeping babies in them. That was a major accident waiting to happen.

snowlady4 · 19/05/2024 22:58

I agree. My parents knew everyone in the local area (still do,) they went to school with lots of them or worked with them in different places over the years. There were much more local pubs to go to back then too. Alot of people stayed in the area they were born in.
I have moved out of the area and have minimal friends, despite being a relatively sociable person. I never have visitors, never go to people's houses or events, get togethers etc. I have often thought about this. The working class communities of 1980s UK were a bit special I think, just not the same now.

MadameDeLaRue · 19/05/2024 22:59

Absurdgiraffe · 19/05/2024 22:19

I think many people work longer hours, and are exhausted.

This ^

cardibach · 19/05/2024 22:59

I’m 59. I have a far, far more active social life than my parents did, even when they were considerably younger than I am now.

PitterPatter3 · 19/05/2024 23:02

saraclara · 19/05/2024 22:51

I really don't understand why young mums take their babies/toddlers/pre-schoolers and meet their friends in Costa or somewhere. There's nothing for the kids to do.

My generation of mums simply took it in turns to host in our homes, and the littlies played with each other, with toys, or in the garden. It was so much more relaxed because we didn't have to care about other customers or wrangle highchairs or where to fit the buggies. And the kids actually learned to socialise, or could be put down for a nap or whatever. And no changing nappies on a gross and cramped public toilet.
And when it was your turn all you needed was to provide tea and coffee and some cheap biscuits every month or so.

Edited

Lots live in small flats these days with first babies. Plus buggies have got bigger.

I agree with you though that coffee shops are not ideal either.

Zonder · 19/05/2024 23:02

My experience is the opposite. My parents would go to the pub with friends, or mum would have her friends round for coffee. We are always having friends round or going to friends' houses. I don't think it's generational. Maybe more personality?

bellamountain · 19/05/2024 23:03

Do you think we lead busier lives now? Both parents tend to work and kids seem to do A LOT more clubs and activities which take up a considerable amount of evenings and weekends. So, we are just shattered by the time the weekend comes around.

PuppetQueen · 19/05/2024 23:04

My parents lived in the same town for most of their lives, as did the majority of their friends, so they had a large circle of friends that they'd known since they were young. It was quite easy to hold a dinner party with so many people nearby who all knew each other well and everybody would drink and drive home afterwards, so no need to arrange designated drivers or go to the trouble and expense of booking a taxi.

DH and I live far away from where we grew up. Our long-standing friends from school, uni etc are scattered (many of them don't even live in the same country as us), so seeing them involves lengthy travel, overnight stays etc. We do have local friends that we have made at our DC's school etc but they're much newer friends and I guess it's more awkward to make that first step and try to match compatible people together for social occasions.

Also, my mum was part of a "babysitting circle" when I was little, so a succession of unknown (to my mum) babysitters would turn up to look after us when my parents went out. No money changed hands - it was all done on credits, so if you had babysat for four hours, you had earned four hours of babysitting from the circle.

I tried to set up a baby-sitting circle when my DC were small, but the people I invited to join it were (understandably, nowadays) horrified at the idea that a stranger might turn up to look after their kids. I realised I wasn't comfortable with the idea either - I'd just asked people I knew and liked, but if the circle expanded and my friends asked their friends, then I wouldn't know everyone. We ended up using an agency, where every babysitter was DBS checked and paediatric first aid trained, and we could select by the age, sex or occupation (eg nursery nurse) of the babysitter. But it was very expensive - often more expensive than the cost of our restaurant meal/theatre tickets etc, so we didn't do it very often.

Triptastico · 19/05/2024 23:07

I think hosting dinner parties is a lot more complicated these days with allergies, gluten free, nut free, vegan, vegetarian, halal, people's dislikes etc. You can't just prepare a set dinner anymore you have to take all the above into consideration which makes it a bit of a headache and probably takes the fun out of it as you'd be worried about contamination. I know I would.

EconomyClassRockstar · 19/05/2024 23:09

My kids are all adults now (ie Uni age and above) but I spent a lot of time and effort making a really good friend group when the kids were young, the kind where we would take it in turns to host. The kids would run a little wild at the end of the week and the parents would have a cocktail or two and then all walk home. I absolutely loved it.

My parents socialized with their friends and just left us all at home with a teenage babysitter. Who knows which was better but I feel a little sad thinking that current parents of young kids being too tired to do any of that.

PippyLongTits · 19/05/2024 23:10

I think a lot is down to the fact more women work. By the time I'm home from work and have got the kids to bed, and cleaned up after the day, I just want to veg on the sofa or go to bed. The last thing on my mind would be to start preparing food for a dinner party! It wouldn't be ready until 10pm and I'd be falling asleep before we had the starters!

Also, a lot of people have more stuff and more mess and don't want to have to sort it out before guests arrive.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 19/05/2024 23:15

PippyLongTits · 19/05/2024 23:10

I think a lot is down to the fact more women work. By the time I'm home from work and have got the kids to bed, and cleaned up after the day, I just want to veg on the sofa or go to bed. The last thing on my mind would be to start preparing food for a dinner party! It wouldn't be ready until 10pm and I'd be falling asleep before we had the starters!

Also, a lot of people have more stuff and more mess and don't want to have to sort it out before guests arrive.

This, how do you fit it in around a full time job with commuting and expected overtime.

Noonelikesasloppytrifle · 19/05/2024 23:16

We were far more sociable when the kids were small. Now they're teens and I work full-time, I am too knackered, busy and broke to be as sociable.

Mulloffuckintyre · 19/05/2024 23:33

We used to have such a busy social life, often entertained at home but then Covid lockdowns and we were financially strained. Entertaining is v expensive and we realised that many of our friends weren’t really reciprocating so felt a bit disgruntled honestly.
we had to reduce staff in our business and now work much harder ourselves, probably don’t even make minimum wage most weeks. We are still not financially recovered and maybe never will be that well off again given the state of the economy. Now it’s hard to afford our ordinary shopping. certainly not enough left over for entertaining. no time or energy for it either.

saraclara · 19/05/2024 23:36

Pollipops1 · 19/05/2024 22:53

I really don't understand why young mums take their babies/toddlers/pre-schoolers and meet their friends in Costa or somewhere. There's nothing for the kids to do.

because many young people don’t have the space to host a group of mums, babies & their buggies. Plus it’s a reason to get up and get out of the house.

I only had a small house. But three adults with one or two babies/toddlers each was perfectly manageable for a couple of hours. Certainly more room than a table at Costa. The buggies either remained outside, or weren't needed as people arrived in cars and just carried the kids in.
And getting out of the house to the others houses for the majority of times was just as much a change of scene.

PitterPatter3 · 19/05/2024 23:38

Do you think with more women working they are getting enough social interaction through work that they have less desire or incentive to arrange meet-ups with friends? Or does the increase in remote working (particularly since Covid) mean this isn’t the case?

Cheshiresun · 19/05/2024 23:40

I think you're right. My parents, in the 1980's and 1990's, went to the pub at least twice per week, and my mum was part of a baby sitting circle so they could all take turns to go out.

They didn't have close friendships as such but were out socialising at the local pubs a lot. It's not something I do.

Brightandbubly · 19/05/2024 23:44

I agree usually socialising out of the house,

Alicewinn · 19/05/2024 23:45

My parents were always getting drunk around their friends houses, doing keep fit then going down the pub. As kids we all used to run feral in a big group and I don't think I have ever had as much fun since.
i think hosting takes time & energy and a lot of people are so low on all resources
I love the idea of wine and cheese circles though!

MoonKiss · 19/05/2024 23:45

We socialise a lot, as did my parents, in laws less so. The biggest difference is my parents often seemed to get dressed up for dinner parties, whereas we’re more likely to get a takeaway or have a bbq.

Cheshiresun · 19/05/2024 23:49

Thinking why we don't socialise down at pubs like my parents did, I think it's mainly due to the internet and social media, we can chat online instead of at a pub. Also more entertainment like binge watching Netflix/Disney/Prime/etc. Also the price of alcohol, if you did want it, I suppose pubs are now too expensive.

Echo21 · 19/05/2024 23:51

I agree, but it may also be regional and a lot to do with housing crisis. e.g in the south east a lot of people rent or are not seeing their home as "forever home" - they've been priced out their hometowns and don't have a network nearby so socialize less. 9-5 at work is not as prominent anymore, and there are other stresses of life (cost of living). I do believe covid has also made people less social. Lifelong childhood friends are rarer now due to people moving around, accessibility of travel etc

You may see more costa meet ups because people are trying to create new friendships without the burden of staying hours at someone's house first. There is all this pressure for children to do X and X activities fueled my "perfect family" rhetoric on social media, whereas back in the day playing in the street was deemed fine.

AllTheChaos · 19/05/2024 23:53
  1. most people don’t have a lot of space as housing is so expensive;
  2. people work longer hours and are knackered;
  3. people have too much stuff, which means it’s harder to keep things tidy (see point 2, also);
  4. home shows mean people are more aware that their home may be a bit shit, and therefore feel more awkward about inviting people over;
  5. lots of people live too far away from friends and family to be visiting often;
  6. for younger people, COLC makes it too expensive to live anywhere they can host, but also too expensive to go out;
  7. for older people (40s/50s) they often have young children and are knackered as well as skint (as per the younger folk in point 6);
  8. there are more alternatives available now, meaning there is less impetus to put in the effort
Goldenbear · 19/05/2024 23:54

Yes, I agree, my Mum even wrote a song with our neighbour(and friend) composed the tune for it, they had a record made of it!

justasking111 · 19/05/2024 23:54

I remember planning a menu surrounded by recipe books, writing out a shopping list.

Starter cold usually
Main hot
Pudding cooked ahead and frozen.
Cheese and biscuits

Wine and liquers or brandy.

OH then the cleaning 🙈. Laying up the table on the day. I was flat out knackered the next day.