AIBU to think we simply don’t socialize like our parents did?

[Enchanted82]

I have been thinking lately about how much more insular and less social people are now compared to my parents era. I’m early forties, young family, lived in different places and always put friendships and making new friends/acquaintances a priority and I love hosting but I do feel lots of other families don’t seem to want/enjoy having people round or meeting up much at all!
in the 80’s my parents and friends parents were round each others houses, enjoying their company regularly but I don’t feel my husband and I have this despite being sociable people.
what’s changed?

Two fold in my opinion.

One is that every family is different. So while we did indeed have people over, it was family. My aunts and uncles and grandparents were over all the time, and we went there. But rarely adult friends (I had friends over a lot, and was round theirs a lot).

Two is that times are different. Eating out is easier and more affordable than it used to be, and there's more choice. There's more daytime activities (coffee shops, kids groups etc). Which means that there's less clearing up after a get together. More often than not, both parents work now, mostly from necessity. So there isn't the same time to spend on prepping for get togethers at home.

So home has become a sanctuary, and people socialise outside of it more.

Actually. Third prong is that there's people like me and DH. If there's a family get together we often host because, to be frank, we're better at it. But we would much, much rather just chill at home in our comfies on the sofa than be sociable. We have so little time together in amongst parenting, working and all the other family obligations that we don't really want other people in our space and down time.

There's (probably) much less drink driving these days. Years ago people thought nothing of having a couple of pints and driving home. Society doesn’t tend to turn a blind eye to it now.

Anyone remember the round robin ?

We did this a lot.

Basically you went to the first house for drinks and starter.

Then you went to the second house for the main course.

Finally you went to the third home for pudding and coffee.

Those were so much fun

Maybe it’s because “people” haven’t been that kind to the people that feel that way

My parents had proper dinner parties when they were my age (mid forties). They either cooked or had caterers in and then always had After Eights with coffee afterwards. How civilized!!! I don’t feel like I’m that much of an adult to be able to do that yet. 😂

@AlltheFs

how sad

netflix is no substitute for a social life

@Anniegetyourgun

you can have your space and still have a social life though surely?

life is all about balance

my dm is late eighties,
so the socialising was done at people's houses, kids sleeping in one room adults socialising in the other
i think we had a baby sitter also when i was a baby/toddler
or socialising in the pub while we sat in the car with crisps and lemonade

It's our lifestyles I think. Both parents working F/T. Kids in 201 extra curriculars which they have to be taken to because we don't let them out alone. Stacks of homework to complete from the age of 5 which needs adult support. The age that we think they can be left alone continues to rise. Lack of money to pay for food/drinks for our visitors. Embarrassment about our messy houses due to above mentioned full time work. Mental health difficulties and lack of available support can lead to people withdrawing from social situations. Increasing political divides limiting the number of people you'd want to get to know.

My parents didn't socialise much, hardly ever in fact. I sometimes have friends over, however I do find it harder to arrange a suitable day now. I feel people are not quite as spontaneous. I do find it stressful having people over to eat as I don't rate my cooking!
I work more than I used to and find that makes a difference. I meet a lot of people and talk a lot at work and find that when I get home I really want to just chill out on my own, whereas in the past I'd really look forward to doing something sociable.

Ppl get fed up of always being the one who everyone comes to , others never seem to invite you back to theirs. Also they never seem to go , they outstay their welcome , some of the ppl l have had here have been here for over 6 hours !

I suppose that depends on everyone living in the same street. I'm thinking about my friendship group and it would involve driving from Mid Cheshire to Liverpool to Manchester and back to Cheshire. 😂

I remember inviting friends over to eat and they showed no signs of leaving even though it was getting on for midnight and we had a baby. I was shattered! I think in the end we said we were going to bed.

I don't recognise most of these comments. My circle of friends have met in people's houses for drinks since our kids were babies although as they're now nearing 18, we're out a lot more. We still love meeting for an afternoon house session though and take turns to host.

As for staying in more because of Netflix - really??? Is this actually a thing?
Genuine question as this is so sad if so, watching things on a screen is better than having friends round or going out?!

Absolutely. My parents always had friends round for curry nights - which included several drinks. But we used to live in a built up area all east walking distance from each other. I now live in the countryside, which I love, but we all need to drive places. And I know, I know, mumsnet will say “you shouldn’t need to drink to have fun”. But I (and my friends) like to have a few drinks if having a catch up.

Not everyone is sociable.

I work. And I am surrounded by people needing my input all day. And I have a toddler, so when I'm not at work, there's someone who needs me all day. Plus a husband, who I love and who understands that sometimes I need to be alone and in the quiet l. But who is also another person who needs things from me. Add into that extended families and that's a whole lot of people.

My social battery, by the time 7pm comes, is done. I don't need a social life on top of all of that. That's enough "peopling" for me. And I'm not the only person for whom this is true.

You like a social life. Fine, go have one. But don't assume that other people wouldn't rather watch Netflix.

Well we weren't in the same street or town, village, there was a nominated driver or you got taxis.

I agree about pubs not being that social in the main too. I think im one of those that cant comprehend how others arent so bothered to have friends and socialise (at least a bit). I would feel really empty without my friendship circles (different groups, some far away, some we cant see very often) but they are an important part of my life and will be even more so as the kids grow up. I guess others dont worry about being isolated 10/15 years down the line?

That can also be true.

Not liking people doesn’t come out of nowhere. I can easily see why some people prefer to be on their own and do their own thing. You can be nice, friendly, sociable and still rather be on your own.

I socialise much more than my parents.

We have a whole range: fancy dinners with 16+ people, casual dinners, catered dinners. BBQs, pizza afternoons, tennis parties, pool parties, big groups for local events like gin festivals or city fairs. Lots of local friends popping in for tea and cake or going for a walk with a friend over lunch.

I don’t think it’s generational, you’ve just got to find people that suit.

Totally agree@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

It's called JOMO
Ultimately there's no pressure to socialize if you don't want to anymore.
My DM certainly didn't want to,she hated it

Some people can be happy in their own company. And people have families and even those of us who aren't massively sociable have friends. We just have less friends, but that doesn't take away the quality of them.

I'm not worried about being isolated because I haven't the energy to go to the pub on an evening. I'm worrying about building my family and friends circle the way that works for us, so that none of us are uncomfortable or isolated.

I forgot to mention pets in my first post! Back in the 80s if you had a dog it was just a dog. If you went out, the dog stayed at home and no-one worried about it. If you had cats and went away overnight, the neighbours popped in and fed the cat. Now, everyone has pets and they can't be left for more than a few hours. The dog has to go to a dog sitter and you have to collect it before its bedtime. The cats need to have their nutritionally balanced dinner cooked for them. The hamster needs supervision to practise its physiotherapy exercises. The tortoise can't sleep without a bedtime story.

who can afford the pub these days?

I do wonder if it's the ages you had babies. We were all twenties, early thirties. We were sailors so Friday night was down on the boat, or otherwise weekend racing. We took it in turns to BBQ if the weather was good. Everyone brought BBQ food and a blanket to sit on in the garden, kids played around us. Jakers we had so much energy. And we all worked.