AIBU to think we simply don’t socialize like our parents did?

[Enchanted82]

I have been thinking lately about how much more insular and less social people are now compared to my parents era. I’m early forties, young family, lived in different places and always put friendships and making new friends/acquaintances a priority and I love hosting but I do feel lots of other families don’t seem to want/enjoy having people round or meeting up much at all!
in the 80’s my parents and friends parents were round each others houses, enjoying their company regularly but I don’t feel my husband and I have this despite being sociable people.
what’s changed?

It’s a conversation I’ve had with DH many times. I grew up in an unsocial teetotal home. DHs parents went to/had parties constantly.

The difference was DHs parents were very young when they had children. So they were in their late 20s/early 30s, they had jobs in factories with people the same. They all lived fairly close. Children would come to the parties, locked in a room to sleep, woken up and made to walk home at 3am. Parents would then spend all day the next day in bed recovering, no one was being taken to activities or days out.
I can’t imagine that being fun. I was very sociable at that age but childless. By the time I met his parents they weren’t really socialising (they went to a club night) and they’re the same age I am now.

My BIL tried to be a party person. However he lives miles away from anyone. Doesn’t understand when people have issues with taxis, not having a drink when needing to drive, not wanting to bring small children and not having babysitters or keep them up all night. He actually ended up pissed off that it didn’t work so he’s stopped trying.

My neighbour has had a few parties but mostly everyone drives and there’s always loads of hyper small children - honestly it’s not really fun. I want adults only!

We used to host a lot. There were times when we'd end up at least twice a week having friends round for mid-week supper, and we'd have people to stay or round for dinner at least one weekend a month. It was all quite casual and easygoing and enjoyable.

We'd go to the cinema or theatre too, and book group, and quite a lot of popping in for half an hour for a coffee or whatever. Plus weekends away with friends. Then Brexit came along and winnowed a few people out and created a lot of discomfort. And people seemed to get more and more difficult to cater for: so many were gluten free or dairy free or vegan or had intolerances — so hosting often became a major challenge requiring me to cook two separate menus. Add in the fact that those who used to expect me to work so hard to cater for them never returned the hospitality and that explains why we don't offer so many supper invites as we used to.

Netflix and streaming services mean you can watch any film you want from the comfort of home, so why bother going to the cinema? Particularly as parking in town added to the cost. Plus Covid and losing half our friends because we don't believe transwomen are women (which apparently makes us hateful) and I think you have much of the answer. I think Covid made a lot of people less sociable. We saw a few people disappear down internet wormholes and swallow conspiracy theories and they became unbearable. We've also struggled with a number of friends whose children appear to have major MH and learning issues and who talk about nothing else. We try to be supportive, but there's only so much dumping and anxiety one can absorb. Some people have forgotten that being a good guest or friend is a two-way street.

We still have a social life, but we socialise more carefully. Something's happened to a lot of people, I think, probably as a result of social media. People have lost real-life social skills. When we meet someone new and there's the potential for friendship we take note of how much time they spend eyeing their phone when they're talking to us. It's a good indicator.

Possibly. But don't forget how unpleasant a lot of socialising can be. Beneath the smiles and hugs there is a lot of jealousy and resentment bubbling away. Many people struggle with self-esteem. And being around obnoxious show offs, or people who've achieved more than they have, is torture. Maybe it's just me, but I often sense this discomfort and fear when I meet people for the first time. You can feel them weighing you up and thinking "are you a threat to my self-esteem? Are you going to make me feel crap about myself?" etc.

Being with people you really like is wonderful, and I agree that we should make more effort to meet up with good friends. But I can't imagine anything worse than a barbeque with random strangers. I really hate this idea that we're obliged to be friends with people just because they happen to live nearby. I was a kid in the 80s, and have no happy memories of my neighbours at all. The guy next door was an absolute prat – one of those unbearable idiots who think they're funny when they're not. He was also pompous and aggressive. Next door to him was an odious, arrogant solicitor. His wife was lovely, but she adored him, laughed at his jokes, and hung on his every word. Ugghh, it was awful to watch. I was friends with their kids, so we were sort of in and out of each other's houses, but it really wasn't the idyllic childhood you're painting.

If people socialise less, it may be because they've got better things to do! Video games, DVD boxsets, Ipods, etc, are more entertaining and less stressful. I've known very few people who are as interesting or entertaining as my favourite books. Thanks to the internet, we can now order any book we like from anywhere in the world. We can also order any album or DVD. I think what's happened is that the introverts (who make up a pretty large chunk of the population) no longer feel the need to socialise. They have more than enough to entertain them.

I know I'll get flamed for this, and I know someone will say "huh, well you sound like a barrel or laughs," or "well maybe no one likes you either either," but I honestly can't be bothered with most people. The majority just aren't worth the effort. A minority (maybe a quarter) are horrible and repellent, and another big chunk, who are nice enough, are boring. I'd rather be reading or listening to music.

People have shown their true colours by being able to hide behind a keyboard and come on forums with no identity and speak their mind anonymously with no accountability.
In my parents ere people were kind and polite to each other and well mannered.
Social media has a lot to answer for and has made a lot of people question humanity.
The bitterness is changing how people relate to each other in real life.
For example you only have to read the unkind comments on facebook from men putting woman down and degrading them especially if it's a picture and they're not a supermodel and it's not long before woman start agreeing and being mean.
People never used to be like that as they'd have had to do it to peoples face.
Bullying starts in schools and continues into the work place creating a toxic environment where people pull each other down to get to the top, bitchiness born out of jealousy by insecure people to help them feel more adequate.
Mind games, ghosting, gaslighting and a competitive system is driving a wedge in society and making friendships shallow and superficial.

In the 70s my parents would have occasional couples round for drinks. My dad and the man would go in the dining room and play fiddles and the women would chat in the lounge. There was also the "dinner dance" culture for work nights out. OH's parents were more socially upwardly mobile - his mum, despite teaching full time, was expected to host dinner parties with the bank manager, dad's work bosses etc in order to make a good impression and hopefully lead to promotion.

We do nothing basically. We go out for dinner once in a blue moon and I have coffee and lunch out with friends once in a while. OH goes to the pub a couple of times a week. I don't really think couples friendships are a thing now - just because I get on with somebody doesn't mean my OH will get on with hers. I also agree that socialising is done much more outwith the home nowadays but to be fair, there weren't the number of coffee shops etc back in the day.

I think the cost of living has had an impact, one of my friendship groups used to meet up regularly for a cinema outing. We would have an early dinner, a drink, watch a film and maybe another drink when the film ended. None of us can afford this anymore, we have cut back to the occasional cinema outing with no food and maybe a coffee before hand.

Wondering the same thing and have had the same experience as you. I’ve never found pubs to be social on your own here, DH has though but he goes to watch sport.

I think it’s odd that some posters can’t or choose not to comprehend that some just don’t have the energy and/or time to be as social as they think others should be.

My parents never hosted dinner parties. They were hard pressed to feed their five kids - they'd never have afforded elaborate dinner parties. And my Mam wasn't a great cook.

However, my Mam did have three friends over from time to time. Two were friends from her childhood. One was a SAHM like mine, so she'd call in some mornings for tea from time to time. One (single lady - never married or had kids) worked and would call in one evening a week for her tea - a plate with a lettuce leaf, tomato, slice of ham etc. and some bread and butter. All three lived in the same area where they'd grown up. The other lady lived up the road although my Mam didn't get to know her until she was married with kids. They would call into each other's houses from time to time for a cuppa and a chat and lots of fags.

Mam went to a ladies club once a week. There were very few women who worked outside the home back then, so it was a social outlet and a means of getting away from their husbands and kids for a few hours.

If my Mam had worked, a lot of the social encounters I've listed wouldn't have happened. Or they'd have been confined to weekends. And if my Mam had moved away from the area where she grew up, I'm not sure if she'd have made such close friends.

Dad's a quiet man and didn't really make friends outside of work. He had lots of company at home (wife and five kids) and would visit his Mam once a week. But of course, as time passed and circumstances changed, he grew quite lonely. His Mam passed away and he retired early to care for my Mam. Then she passed away. We five had all flown the nest by then.

My parents didn’t socialise much, my dad was very antisocial. My mum’s friend would come round once a week for dinner and we would occasionally go to relatives for tea/they would come to us or rarely my parents would go to a function. This was 70s80s. Never had dinner parties. My mum would’ve liked to have been more social and was once my dad passed - he didn’t really have his own friends.

We socialise more, but less so now as the DCs are older and we have lost a lot of the ‘parent network’ - DH runs his own business so doesn’t really have a ‘work’ socialising opportunity (although he plays sport x 2 a week when fit enough) and I work in a v small team who are nice but I could only imagine socialising with one other person - we’ve done one lunch 😆

I do have friends but tend to see them without dh unless he’s friends with the other half of the couple. We used to host more or go to others’.

I wouldn’t have the energy to cook every other weekend for dinner parties, it’s a whole day thing. Now if we have friends round for a meal I prefer lunchtime.

I love socialising but I have pruned my friends somewhat since covid. There were certain people I just didn't miss when we couldn't meet up, I had put up with their odd ways and controversial views and after covid I thought feck it, let them go.

I grew up in the 70s and my parents weren't very sociable, particularly my dad. I had friends round but they didn't invite many people to the house. My mum was an odd combination looking back, loved to chat to random strangers on the bus or in shops but didn't want anyone getting too close to her.

IMHO the couples friendship thing was to facilitate the man's job and his socialising.
In the 70s it was the norm to host dinner parties for your boss and his wife in the hope of getting promotion.
Unthinkable now.
My DM also had to provide regular refreshments for my father's friends who did a hobby together at our house.
They would not tolerate anything shop bought either
They barely spoke to her
She once told me she made a Sunday roast and not one of them uttered a word to her and she cried in the kitchen.
She had lovely friends but my father never joined them.

I didn't say I hated people. Well, ok, some people ARE hateful but the majority are nice or neutral. I'm perfectly capable of being nice back, too. At the end of the day, though, I just want my own space.

I think people who are poo pooing the idea that full time working is not at least partially to blame are forgetting the increase in the pace of work due to technology. My grand parents worked hard physically but not mentally. Even in an office job just think how much more information you have to process and respond to now than in days gone by. Just think back to when things were done by memo or post??? Can you even imagine how much slower the pace was. I’m expected to perform like a computer and frankly by the end of the day my brain is just done 😂 Il

I've been surrounded by human beings for 65 years and counting. I've talked to a fair few in that time, believe it or not; had some really positive interactions with some. However, on the whole, it cements my desire to pull up the drawbridge when I get back to my own place, not seek out even more interactions. Enough is enough. (A few exceptions exist, e.g. my DC who live inconveniently far away, my bro who I don't see enough of, and a few friends I've known for many years. I'd drag myself out for them, obviously.)

@Harriet766

Possibly. But don't forget how unpleasant a lot of socialising can be. Beneath the smiles and hugs there is a lot of jealousy and resentment bubbling away. Many people struggle with self-esteem. And being around obnoxious show offs, or people who've achieved more than they have, is torture.

Of course. But there’s a middle ground between full on Abigail’s Party socialising and just having the ability to hang out with people you trust.

I totally get that not everyone will feel robust enough for a full throttle middle class dinner party but a certain subset of people these days (of whom a lot are ok here) increasingly seem to regard any kind of social interaction outside their immediate family as threatening and onerous.

Not everyone has to be a social butterfly but I struggle to imagine that it’s healthier to spend all your life with relatives in front of the TV and never venturing out into the world. Everyone needs contact with fresh blood sometimes and someone to shoot the breeze with.

This. We were ultra-supportive of everyone we knew during Covid, including the oddballs and those who for various reasons needed a lot of input, but we've stepped away now. Life is just too short to listen to yet another self-absorbed, flakey monologue.

I was thinking the exact same thing ! My parents used to hold dinner parties for their friends then those friends would ask everyone back. It was a sort of supper club I guess. no one does this any more. We have had our neighbours over for drinks twice but they have never asked us back. I think people just can't be arsed any more.

I can remember handwriting letters and sending them to the typing pool. The pace of work was very slow.

Very few mums when I was growing up had proper jobs. I only really knew one and she seemed so amazing and interesting. Dads were home just after 5, unless they were on the rigs and they were either there or not.

I think one of the issues we have found is changing relationships and struggling to make more. We had very good friends pre children. Had a baby at the same time, honestly turned into massive arseholes at this time. Thought children would bring us together but how wrong you can be.

I agree OP we don’t go round to people’s houses in the same way.

We meet for coffees/walks and meals out. But rarely each other’s houses.

I don’t invite people over because my flat is too small.

I would say I'm a social parent of young children, but mainly meet friends outside of our home. It's mainly because most people like a change of scenery I think.
Where I live we have a shared garden so on a warm days my children play with the neighbours kids, we have a drink and BBQ or the kids play near the pub so we all grab a drink together.
I have a WhatsApp group of mum friends that I post in if I'm free or found a good activity and want company and we have a good day out together or drinks without the kids I also have friends (mainly my husband's friends wives) who have started having kids now so we will meet with or without the kids.

I do love being social but it can be tiring and I have hosted big playdates at mine and although they are fab, it is tiring!

I do like spending some days just me and the kids too

I wouldn’t have the energy to cook every other weekend for dinner parties, it’s a whole day thing.

We had people round this weekend for dinner. I don't do dinner parties. Slow-cooked chicken with chorizo and butter beans, peppers, courgettes, tomatoes. About 10 minutes' prep, then bung it in the oven or slow-cooker. Served with a green salad and steamed new potatoes. Followed by a Nigella chocolate/ olive oil/ almond cake served with some creme fraiche or ice cream and some diced fresh pineapple.

Easy, uncomplicated recipes. A bit of chopping required but no fancy techniques. Everything available at Aldo or Lidl.

All served/ presented casually on a very well-worn table in the garden. Not a white tablecloth in sight, non-matching cutlery and crockery. And no one dressed up for the occasion. Just friends enjoying each others' company around the table.

We do socialise a lot as couples, I'm now wondering if that's unusual reading this.

We're mid 50s though, with DCs in their early 20s. We're still friends with 2 couples we met when our kids started school, in the same class. So we've been friends for nearly 20 years, have had weekends away, holidays, meals out with the kids. Now they're older the six of us go away together. We're very lucky the the dads all get on really well and go out together without us.