AIBU to think we simply don’t socialize like our parents did?

[Enchanted82]

I have been thinking lately about how much more insular and less social people are now compared to my parents era. I’m early forties, young family, lived in different places and always put friendships and making new friends/acquaintances a priority and I love hosting but I do feel lots of other families don’t seem to want/enjoy having people round or meeting up much at all!
in the 80’s my parents and friends parents were round each others houses, enjoying their company regularly but I don’t feel my husband and I have this despite being sociable people.
what’s changed?

I said two jobs?

I work 1000-1800 at one 5 days a week and then the second one I work 1845-2300 Monday - Friday, 1300-2300 Saturday and some Sundays 1830-2300. Obviously if I have to work a weekend at job 1, then I do get slightly more time off as I should get a day off in the week. Unless it’s Panto and I’ll pick up two shows at job 2.

My husband works 0900-1730 Monday - Friday and then 1830-2300 Monday - Wednesday, has counselling on a Thursday and then does the same Friday, 1300-2300 Saturday and 1800-2300 some Sundays like me.

If we are to meet up with people, it has to be planned in advance, we have to take time off to be able to do it.

We have a lovely life, but we work bloody hard to have it, like I said, 2 jobs, full time. Most friends and family don’t like to meet up at midnight.

I see more people now that I’m on mat leave, but that’s new. And I will have to go back to both jobs, so between them and seeing my daughter we’ll be back to not seeing people often without a solid plan. Obviously we can’t both work all the hours, but we will alternate the evenings and weekends now.

I agree - a social media 'friendship' isn't a real friendship and people who think that it is are deluding themselves at best. Social media is how you stay in contact with people you don't really care about, or friends you do care about but can't actually see that often. It gives an illusion of friendship but it's not real, for the most part.

I disagree OP.

Not a generational thing but a combination of class and people thing. I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s in a very working class area in the north of England.

My parents never once invited anyone to our house and I wasn’t encouraged to have friends over either. The only visitors we ever had were my older married sister and her 2 sons.

I went over to friends houses to play but I don’t think their parents ever invited adult friends to visit. They’d have definitely told me if they’d done that.

Adults socialised by going to the pub but not entertaining at home. Chatting outside with the neighbours on the doorstep was the nearest they came to entertaining anyone. 🤷🏻‍♀️

In stark contrast, I’m a lot more sociable and have people round and visit friends in their houses. However, I don’t enjoy going to the pub at all, so tend to only go to a pub, if we’re going for a meal out.

Crikey - you must be KNACKERED! Are you an actor who is also working a day job then? (she asks nosily!)

I'm older as well I keep my home as my place of quiet and peace.
I don't want popper inners,no thank you.
I do answer the door but people don't just pop round, it's really rude to impose with out an invite.

Life is busy with hustle and bustle, far more than in our parents day.
There are so many more places to go and meet up with people.
My parents had a weekly social club,probably yearly meal out or visit to a stately home.
It was the norm to entertain at home.
We now meet friends and family for walks,meals,visits etc

This is so true! If you care about someone you used to have to actually see them to catch up

We've definitely become less social since covid. Used to be part of a (eughh) dinner party circuit, plus PTA events, parties, Sunday lunches, but now we only do these things when we feel shamed into doing so (as in 'We must invite Janet and John over, its been nearly a year since they hosted us at their house, they must think we're really rude").

I do though still see my friends for lunch/dog walks/occasional meals out. It's more the with-partner events that have fallen away.

I've noticed that my friends who always seem to be hosting/ busy/ visiting actually see a lot of their families and it isn't always necessarily with friends. We notice it as for geographical reasons our family is much more spread apart.

We did much more in house socialising when the DC were smaller - now they are teens we've found that actually the DC aren't really friends with our friends DC any more so we don't tend to do big things like that any more. I see one set of friends every 6 weeks or so rotating houses, my other group of friends I rarely see as a couple have moved away, and the others only ever go for dog walks now and I don't have a dog, so whilst I don't mind joining them for a walk occasionally, I get left out of the loop now and they are much closer as they see each other most days.

Surely not every 40 something is posting regular updates of their life on SM? I rarely post, you would have to message or see me to know whats happening! surely I cant be the only one!

I’ve got to say I think this is no way to live and it makes me feel sad thinking about it.

I also work a lot and sometimes crave time on my own but the idea that it’s “risky” to meet new people in case they turn out to be “weirdos” is a depressing outlook. For one thing you are far more likely to meet “weirdos” on the internet than you are by going out and chatting to people.

Hope you haven’t passed this on to your kids…

Yeah we’re pretty tired! But honestly we’ve both done it for so long now, it’s weird having time off. Maternity leave is actually really difficult, I’m not used to be away from work and I love both my jobs!

Neither of us are actors, we both work in theatre as stage crew/dresser/stage door/FOH and have done for a long long time now. But it doesn’t get you a mortgage lol. So we both also have day jobs.

It’s more than just a job. But when we do plan time off we make it count. We are trying to cut DH’s hours at the moment for job 2 temporarily so he gets time with our little girl. But I drop to SMP from July so there isn’t too much we can do.

How old are you?
Do you have children (what ages)?
Do you work? How many days/hours?
These are all related to how we socialise I think.

I don't like socializing. It's got people in it.

Interesting. Place marking to come back to

My friends and family do but I've noticed since becoming pregnant and staying sober it's very superficial, drinks in the garden of an evening with the chimney or bbq and drinks Sunday afternoon, now I'm not drinking for a while I do see it's just a lot of social drinking.
I do have a lot of mum friends I meet for picnics in the park with the little ones but even that used to extend to kids sleepover with the parents staying late, children going to bed and the wine coming out.
I would say the drinking culture is definitely what I remember from my parents as a child, holidays with evening entertainment for the kids while the adults drank and there is a slight decline in the drinking culture with the younger generation choosing not to drink so much which may be a small contributor to the socialising decline. As sad as that is.

Personally, babysitting costs a fortune.

I agree, I think people aren't as nice as they used to be to each other and are more out for themselves rather than pleasant company, so much back stabbing and bitchiness I'm ok not meeting up and just spending my time unwinding with hubby and the kids.

I think it depends on the actual people . My parents were not big socialisers and nor are we . My neighbours who are a younger than us socialise all the time , as do the younger people behind us

It’s depressing that this kind of comment has become so normalised and accepted. It’s so mean minded and spiteful to feel that it’s OK to hate “people” in the generic sense.

You never know, you might change your mind if you started to talk to a few people.

I wonder if it is also that both parents tend to work now so people worry about the state of their house. Many families when I was a child either had a SAHP or a cleaner etc whereas nowadays two people have to work to survive.

I feel these are definitely valid reasons, and I can also feel like this but try to make some time otherwise im scared i am going to blink, im a decade older and totally isolated and lonely!

I’m 50
3 kids 2 still in school
work full time

when the kids were little we met with friends at least once a weekend, had people over for tea, entertained and used paid babysitters

@sososotocvfgft

i think it probably depends on the people more than anything. Sociable people make the effort even when they’ve got jobs, kids and distance as obstacles. To some people it comes naturally, others have to work harder at it. I’m the latter.

Yes I think that’s fair and there are a few factors

-expectations and relating costs are different. Our parents would have gotten dressed up for 2 drinks in the pub or club. The cost for that is low whereas we rarely go out unless it’s for a meal / party. We would never dream of getting dressed up to go to the local . Therefore we can go out less.

-2 people working means everyone is just more tired now.

-there is a lot more at home entertainment , take aways and alcohol options. The home is a nice place to be. They weren’t great in the 80s unless you were well off