To think if you’ve not bothered with the couple in pregnancy, you shouldn’t expect to the see the baby in the first couple of weeks?

[FlyingSoap]

Before I got pregnant I really thought people were precious saying this and thought, the whole world doesn’t revolve around you just because you’re pregnant. I feel naive now for ever thinking that way, because I get it.

Those who say ‘I can’t wait for cuddles, I’m going to be first in the queue,’ but other than saying stuff like that just don’t bother to ask you how you are at all in pregnancy… ugh.

AIBU to think anyone who doesn’t reach out in pregnancy, at least once or twice, shouldn’t expect to meet a new baby if they’re not that interested in the lives of his or her parents?

Yabu

What do you mean by 'reach out'?

‘How are you?’

Or sending a picture of their dog, initiating conversation in any kind of way.

Not going months and months without speaking then expecting to turn up when we’re fresh out of hospital

Maybe give people the benefit of the doubt since you‘ve also had no idea about pregnancy before. Even those who‘ve been pregnant might‘ve had easy pregnancies.
However, you don’t need to accommodate anyone you don’t want to meet just after giving birth 🤷‍♀️ your baby, your choice of visitors!

Well you could just as easily start a conversation with them

I’m not expecting to go round and see their brand new baby though

Who are these people? You shouldn't have very many people around the baby soon after birth, anyway.

It's not exactly appropriate to quiz women about what's going on with their bodies - and the names/decorations/shopping can be seen as inviting bad luck. But a baby? Safely here as its own little squigy being? That's OK.

Extended family, auntie/cousins and friends who I’ve not seen in a long time

They’re not just there to have the baby though. Could ask how work is going or if they want to meet for a coffee.

But you've just said you don't often see extended family anyhow so isn't it rather nice they did come to see baby

Ask them then? Ask them to meet for coffee if that's what you want

Do YOU ask THEM how they are? Works both ways baby or not

You don’t see them a lot so obviously not close major event ( having a baby) so they get in touch

sounds pretty normal

If they haven’t made much effort during the pregnancy then I suspect the whole “ooh, can’t wait for cuddles” is going to be equally lacklustre tbh and you’re not going to have to worry about accommodating them. Most people not immediately related to a baby don’t really give much of a shit, it’s just the done thing to pretend you’re excited.

They may not mean it literally! As in, some time before the baby's first birthday.

It's also a talking point when you may not have much to talk about otherwise.

Weddings, births, funerals, birthdays and Christmas are the triggers for getting together. Not the opportunity to withhold your baby.

It's a person not a tool in a political power play.

It just seems a bit mean-minded, really: anyone who didn’t show adequate obeisance gets punished. Like King Lear 😃

Threaten to move in with 100 knights? 😀

I think you sound weirdly transactional, OP, like these relatives have to earn the right to visit your baby by paying you X amount of attention in your pregnancy?

Well they may not come to see baby anyway which I’m betting you will feel a lot worse for then if they did .

OP your choice of wording is getting people's backs up, r.e. 'reaching out during pregnancy'.
However, I understand your point and agree.
If you didn't have much of a relationship with these people, why would you want a visit from them solely because you've given birth?

So they come, see baby, maybe give a couple of gifts.. and then... what? You don't see them for another few years?

Makes no sense.

Also the first few months after giving birth are hard, IME visitors, especially 'non-close' ones are hard work and expect a certain level of hospitality, when you're exhausted! I have never understood why people think that they're doing new mums a favour by 'visiting'. In my culture visitors would come with loads of food, clean etc to actually help the new parents. But that doesn't seem to happen in the UK.

I agree with pp, wording like ‘reach out’ will cause a greater reaction than your actual point. And you’re not unreasonable, it’s again a classic case of forgetting the woman who’s bringing this new baby into the world. The baby itself isn’t a cute doll to come hold, of people are genuinely interested then the least they can do is show basic interest in you first.

Your pregnancy isn’t a family event. It’s no one’s business but yours (and your partner if you want.)

A new baby in the family is the whole family’s business, and something to celebrate.

You don’t need to have fuss and attention because you’re pregnant though? So it’s no more on them to reach out to you, than it would be the other way round, same as usual?

@CountingCrones @HeddaGarbled
The OP's second post makes it clearer. She isn't talking just about being pregnant - her first post was badly worded.
She's referring to regular communication. Why would she want visits from people she doesn't really have a relationship with, just because they want to see the baby?

A new baby in the family is the whole family’s business, and something to celebrate.

It’s really not. The baby doesn’t give a shit for anyone bar its mother (and father once they get a bit more used to the world). So the best thing for the baby is a well cared for mum, even if that’s having shown basic interest in her before giving birth. A woman doesn’t cease to exist as an individual once pregnant, only becoming an incubator for a human that brings out the ‘cuddle baby and gone’ family members. Anyone only interested in seeing a new baby without slightest consideration for the woman who brought them into the world should be last on the list of visitors.

You want everyone fussing round you to earn the privilege of meeting your child??

Of course they will want to meet their new family member.

It works both ways, was my point. Why do they have to be the ones to reach out to OP?