To think if you’ve not bothered with the couple in pregnancy, you shouldn’t expect to the see the baby in the first couple of weeks?

[FlyingSoap]

Before I got pregnant I really thought people were precious saying this and thought, the whole world doesn’t revolve around you just because you’re pregnant. I feel naive now for ever thinking that way, because I get it.

Those who say ‘I can’t wait for cuddles, I’m going to be first in the queue,’ but other than saying stuff like that just don’t bother to ask you how you are at all in pregnancy… ugh.

AIBU to think anyone who doesn’t reach out in pregnancy, at least once or twice, shouldn’t expect to meet a new baby if they’re not that interested in the lives of his or her parents?

Tbf, saying people can't see the baby unless they make a fuss of the pregnant woman beforehand is pretty nasty too.
Plenty of experience too (three children) but I think the difference is that mine were mostly pre-social media and before they days when being pregnant was regarded as something to be competitively special about.
I think the issue with SM is the endless and meaningless gushing about everything from complete strangers feeds an expectation that you are the centre of the universe when you are not.
Honestly, be pregnant, have your baby, see people, accept help when it's offered, do what you can. It's really easy and requires no angst whatsoever.

I am projecting nothing.

Plenty of experience too (three children) but I think the difference is that mine were mostly pre-social media and before they days when being pregnant was regarded as something to be competitively special about.

You’re seeing it from older generation eyes. What is actually being recognised now is that old customs of every Tom, Dick and Henrietta turning up to cuddle a new baby whilst mum is overwhelmed and just wants her baby back is really not acceptable. It’s not natural. It’s also nothing to do with wanting to seem ‘special’ quite the opposite, it’s about understanding the primitive nature of women giving birth and those first couple of weeks will make a woman feel like she only wants those most known and trusted around her.

There is absolutely a misogynistic air about this, coming from generations that may not believe that they see a woman’s purpose in life to reproduce without much thought about the process, but it is there. Being pregnant and giving birth is physically and mentally the biggest thing a woman can go through, and yes it does mean you get a little leeway on expecting people to come to you asking about you rather than pushing it yourself. Of someone was going through any other medical procedure or condition, you’d not be pissy that they didn’t ask how you were first in order to come see them, the situation is about the person in question!

I had this with my parents. Hardly heard from them and next to no interest in my 2 other children who are both little then wanting to be round for hours with the baby. No interest in any of us. So I get what you mean

@FlyingSoap

I’m not expecting to go round and see their brand new baby though
Is everything this transactional to you Op?

@LostTheMarble I agree. I still find it shocking that on this site, a site presumably originally for mums, that many mums don’t choose to be kinder. You would think having been through the whole post partum period themselves, they would be more understanding of what other women are going through.

@LostTheMarble you are doing that MN thing of thinking that this generation is Generation Zero and is the definitive and right way to do everything.
Just because earlier generations may have done things differently doesn't mean they are wrong.
You think shutting yourself away from everyone with just you and the baby (and dad to run around after you) is desirable. I think pushing everyone away seems like a recipe for PND and loneliness, especially if you work on the presumption that you and the baby are the centre of everyone's world and you can turn people on and off at your whim.
Of course we don't know how things will pan out yet because these lonely mothers and babies are not yet old enough. Crack on but be aware there is a possibility that your way might not be always considered to be the right way.

@Ocadoshoppingjustarrived I agree with a lot of what you say. Definitely it takes a village to raise a child and mums should not be trying to do it on their own.

I just think there is plenty of time for various distant family members to meet the baby. Those first few weeks are exhausting, terrifying, special in equal measure so I think wanting time to adjust to all of that should be allowed/facilitated.

I also think in the real world (not on MN where people talk a lot based on principle) most people will be understanding of this and aren’t actually bulldozing into other peoples houses demanding to hold the baby.

YANBU but may need more context

We made it clear to people (in-laws mainly) that if they couldn’t be arsed to respect and get on with us, not to have a close relationship with the baby.
it was a strong stance, I get that.. but to protect my life and boundaries after years of hell it was necessary.

context is important.

but you may also find, you need that village to support you - even if they didn’t bother before - you find and develop new relationships when you have a baby - and you need them sometimes

They’re not bothered about the baby or cuddles. They’re just making an effort to pretend to be interested because they like you enough to. You can’t expect them to endlessly fuss about both pregnancy and the baby. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and then pretending to be interested in the baby is more than enough.

I think your OP says it all - you thought it was precious when other people did it, but now it’s you you think it’s reasonable. Yet you’ve lost sight of the fact that other people will think it’s precious, just like you previously did.

I lost a long-time friend because she berated me for not making enough of a fuss of her and her newborn. I sent a card and gift from my hospital bed where I was recovering from major surgery but that wasn’t a good enough excuse. She completely lost her perspective when she became pregnant and expected everyone in her life to do weekly check ins with her.

Other people don’t exist to play bit roles in your play, OP, they also have lives and stuff going on. By all means ban them from visiting but don’t complain if that means they stop fussing over you altogether.

But the OP is not post-partum. She's anticipating that people are going to be clamoring to see her baby based on the throwaway line that everyone utters to a pregnant woman that they know - "Can't wait to meet the little one".

Quintessential Mumsnet - from the moment you pee on the stick and see a 'positive' you begin fantasizing about all the rules you're going to impose on the (imaginary) people who are just dying to behold your baby.

How about just enjoying your pregnancy, focusing on your little family once the baby arrives and seeing visitors when it suits you? What's with all the negativity beforehand?

And who knows? You might actually crave some adult conversation while you're home on maternity leave. I know, very un-mumsnetty but IRL it's been know to happen!

PFB much?

Oh dear. I really hope you're winding everyone up. If not, and you really think that, then that's really troubling

That’s awful, glad you’re not still friends with her.

I had a friend drop a pointed hint that “some people” had also brought presents for her and not just her newborn when I came to visit 😏 I’d brought a present for not only her newborn but her other kids too and it still wasn’t enough. That’s great other people got her a present too but she should be thankful for what’s she got for her kids. We are giving them gifts because of our relationship with her. It is still in a way us giving to her - or her household at least. And I’ve rarely received any gifts from her.

Exactly , for many people unless they live super close it’s more of a chore than anything else to go see your baby.

They probably think they’re doing you a favour, by coming and usually they’ll bring a gift. So even if they do invite themselves just politely decline and say you’ll let them know when you’re free. No drama or negativity necessary.

Yeah agree with this, I always try to sound excited when talking about babies but tbh I’m not really bothered with ones that aren’t my own but I don’t want to literally say to anyone ‘I’m not really planning on going out of my way to see your baby’.

First time mums (I’m assuming?) who think the everyone is as fascinated by their baby as them are unbearable. Please don’t be one OP.